It’s lovely to be back, dear reader, after spending the last 10 days in bed.
There was nothing wrong with me – I’m just terrific between the sheets, ladies . . .
Nah, on the second anniversary of lockdown, I marked the occasion by self-isolating behind closed doors with Covid.
How appropriate, eh?
I haven’t spent this long in the spare room since I forgot my wife’s birthday the morning after getting caught watching the midnight freeview on the Adult Channel.
But hey, let’s look on the bright side. Being housebound for just over a week meant I saved about two grand on petrol.
Covid is no laughing matter. My head was throbbing as though I’d just cracked a joke about Jada Smith and, after ramming those big cotton buds up my hooter for all those lateral flow tests, I’ve now got nostrils like Daniella Westbrook.
But here’s the REALLY painful part – the international break meant I didn’t miss any Motherwell games.
Ouch!
On the plus side, I think catching Covid might be the best diet ever as losing my sense of taste meant a complete loss of appetite.
And, after being bedridden for 10 days in the same pair of Y-fronts, I suppose no sense of smell was also a bit of a blessing.
Well-wishers included my old pal Mark McGhee, the former Motherwell boss, who texted: “Hope you’re not suffering (too much).”
Bizarrely, I was just about to send the Dundee gaffer the exact same message . . .
Anyway, folks, after all that glorious weather, I’ve now emerged from my pit (yep, just in time for the gritters being put on stand-by) and I’ll resume my social calendar by attending a pal’s 70th birthday party on Saturday night.
To be honest, though, that just makes me feel even more depressed.
I’ve got a pal who’s 70!
By the way, here’s another positive about being positive – I was able to stay up late to watch the 2022 Oscars.
Now I’m just hoping and praying that Graham Alexander can take a joke next month when I host the Motherwell Player of the Year event . . .
The sensational bust-up between Will Smith and Chris Rock was surely the best bit of live telly EVER and I love the fact there are now worldwide demands for James Corden to present an award at next year’s ceremony.
Ricky Gervais is the master of cracking gags at the big award nights but I don’t think he’d have made any jokes about Jada’s alopecia.
Nope, he’d have saved his best material for wheelchair-bound Liza Minnelli.
I’m firmly in the Chris Rock camp – you should NEVER be offended by a joke, especially in these grim times – so I was delighted to see Will Smith basically hoisted by his own petard.
After leaving his victim, well, gob-smacked – and screaming profanities at such a prestigious event when he swaggered back to his seat – will anyone even REMEMBER he won an Oscar in 2022?
That was his first Academy Award but he surely deserved another one 30 seconds later after that blubbering acceptance speech/apology. What a terrific performance, eh?
To his credit, Chris Rock refused to press charges – he was just relieved he hadn’t upset Alec Baldwin . . .
PS. You know the only part of the Oscars I found offensive?
What about one of the female co-hosts (Regina Hall) getting four dishy actors on stage to frisk them and joke about swabbing for Covid by putting her tongue down their throats?
Can you imagine the reaction if that had been a MALE presenter with four FEMALES on stage?
The Will & Chris punch-up wouldn’t have got a mention . . .
Wild, Wild West . . . of Scotland
If only Paul Gascoigne had been invited to the Oscars, eh?
He could have tripped up Will Smith before he got to Chris Rock . . .
Gazza was one of the stars on show at Ibrox last week as a Rangers Legend XI played a World Select and a lot of people were shocked when he sent that wee boy flying . . . shocked that Rangers weren’t awarded a penalty.
Staying with football, Celtic keeper Joe Hart has revealed he was ready to quit football after the Spurs boss Nuno Espirito Santo said he was too slow, too old and too weak.
Yeah, but only for the English Premier League!
I’m afraid Joe’s not the first – and he won’t be the last – player to arrive in Glasgow to top up his pension.
Meanwhile, Dundee FC chief John Nelms is calling on fans to ditch their fury and back the team with “unconditional love” in their bid to beat the drop.
Unfortunately, though, his plea was EMAILED to supporters and the club will be relegated by the time they receive it…
PS. Sir Alex Ferguson has revealed he once bought a suede coat from a “fence” – a purveyor of stolen goods – when he ran a pub in Govan. It cost £7 and fell to bits a day later.
I had better luck in my local a couple of years ago.
Paid 20 quid for a “genuine” Hugo Boss leather jacket and, to be fair, there was only one thing up with it – one of the sleeves was half an inch longer than the other two . . .
The crown fool
Mystery surrounds the fact that Prince Harry was the only senior royal not to attend the memorial service for the Duke of Edinburgh.
Maybe it was family only?
The poor auld Queen’s been getting a bit of flak for allowing disgraced son Prince Andrew to escort her into Westminster Abbey.
Give it a week, though, and he’ll flatly deny he even attended the service, insisting he was at Pizza Express in Woking.
Hasn't Boris been punished enough?
More flak for Boris Johnson after organising a glitzy bash for fellow Tory MPs – just hours after the Met Office confirmed Downing Street parties during lockdown HAD broken the law.
I think, however, we should give them a break.
Well, according to reports, the after-dinner speaker was Gyles Brandreth.
Surely they’ve been punished enough?
Thunder in the Mountains of Gemma Collins?
Edinburgh woman Natasha Wilson, 48, was amazed when it was revealed on Channel 4 show Fame In The Family that she’s a distant cousin of 80s pop star Torah Wilcox.
She said: “Thith ith thenthathional! I’m thtunned, totally thocked, what a thuper thurprithe…”
Meanwhile, reality TV star Gemma Collins is set to make her stage debut on the UK tour of hit show Chicago.
She’s playing Chicago.
In other showbiz news, the original Full Monty team has reunited for a telly sequel – 25 years after the famous movie.
Filming was disrupted last week, I hear, during one of the stripping scenes when a cast member broke his ankle after tripping over his Davina McCalls . . .
A quick word for my stand-up comedy pal Susie McCabe . . .
I’m reliably informed that Professor Jason Leitch was tickled pink by your suggestion at the King’s Theatre last week that he’ll be the subject of this year’s biggest-selling Christmas calendar – 12 glossy pics of the wee man wearing nothing but a face mask . . .
Personally, I think Tam Shepherd’s – the legendary Glasgow joke shop – is missing a trick ahead of Halloween if they don’t sell Chris Whitty face masks.
They’ll fly out the door.
You know what they say about men who have big cars?
Did you see the humongous Hummer – the world’s biggest driveable car – in Tuesday’s paper?
The incredible vehicle is 21ft high, 46ft long and 20ft wide and it was built on the frame of a US army amphibious
cargo vehicle. It runs with four diesel engines and is owned by a multi-millionaire sheikh. Or, as he’ll be known the first time he fills the tank, a penniless sheikh...
PS. Hello to regular reader Kenny McGurk who contacted me to say: “I was thinking of buying a seabird, but have you seen the price of petrel . . . ?”
My fave funny photos of the week
“Just a few bottles before the awards… what’s the worst that could happen?”
The new agency staff start their first day at P&O Ferries.
Motorcyclist who identifies as a bicyclist sets a new world record.
“Hello, Will Smith? Did you hear what Putin said about your wife . . . ?”
A young Nicola Sturgeon visits Butlins with Diego Maradona in 1979.
That reminds me - Die Hard is on later.
Text jokes of the week
"I’m now convinced the incident at the Oscars was staged. I checked on Google and the guy who punched Chris Rock is a professional actor!"
"If Jada Smith doesn’t like jokes about alopecia, that’s hair loss."
"As the cost of living soars, I’ve just paid 55p for a bag of air. Mind you, there were a couple of crisps at the bottom."
"The Rotterdam police stumbled upon 56 drums of petrol yesterday. The estimated street value is over 12 million euros. The drums were hidden in a shipment of Venezuelan cocaine."
"I asked my pal from Airdrie why he only spent £3 on his mum for Mother’s Day. He said: “That’s all she had in her purse."
"My wife asked what my plans were for Easter. “The same as Jesus,” I told her. “Disappear on Friday and turn up on Monday.”
"If anyone’s got any tips on how to reverse cheap plastic surgery, I’m all ears."
"Back in the 70s, I used to sing Abba songs to my grandmother who’d then give me some pocket money. Ah yes, I used to love singing for Nan dough…"
"Fun fact: the majority of the world’s archaeologists are women. This is due to their natural ability to dig up the past."
"I applied the haemorrhoid cream I got from the chemist and I got a very nasty reaction. Perhaps I shouldn’t have applied it on the bus."
"Survival tip: if you get lost in the woods, just start talking about politics and someone will show up to argue with you."
"Don’t wait until your deathbed to tell people how you feel. Tell them to f*** off now."
And finally
Medics in Spain say men with bad breath who suffer from erectile dysfunction could be at risk of a stroke.
But not, I imagine, from the opposite sex . . .
