So much about being single is great: being able to eat, watch and do what you want; independence; no in-laws. But routine can easily turn into a rut, which makes life difficult if you want to find a relationship. We asked the experts how you might go about shaking things up.
Use apps with intention
It is easy to mistake a presence on dating apps with putting yourself out there. Unless you make an effort to meet people, apps can soon become a time-suck.
Annie Lord, a dating columnist for Vogue whose memoir Notes on Heartbreak will be published in June, recommends using them at a particular time, “rather than spending every evening just scrolling”, and making a plan to meet any promising matches as soon as possible.
Many people have profiles just for the ego boost, Lord says. “If you haven’t arranged a date within 48 hours of talking, it’s never going to happen. You can overthink it, or procrastinate. If you’ve had one OK conversation, you should probably just meet them.”
Given that an app is marketing its user base, it also pays to try a few; the Tinder experience – and crowd – is different from the Bumble one, for example. It is also normal, even advisable, to delete and re-download with your changing enthusiasms.
Jo, 45, used apps on and off for about five years after her marriage ended, when she was 34. “I was a bit wary, but I slowly learned that it’s a lot of luck – and not to take anything personally from someone you’ve never met.”
She met someone last year. Her top tips are to limit your activity and take months-long breaks. On her last venture on the dating scene, she swiped for no more than 10 minutes, a few times a week.
Be upfront about who you are and what you want …
It is tempting to try to maximise your matches, or search online for icebreakers or opening lines – but if you are looking for love, it is better to emphasise what is unique about you. (It won’t be your position on Hawaiian pizza.)
Mark Manson, the author of the bestselling self-help series The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, advocates emphasising your quirks to appeal to the 10% of people who will think you are fascinating and fun, instead of downplaying them for the 90% who will think you are merely fine. If you are not sure of your best or defining traits, ask a friend.
The same goes for what you are looking for: if you want a long-term relationship, or to be friends first, don’t be afraid to say so. The only people you will put off will be those who want something different. But emphasise what you do want, not what you don’t want: positive, upbeat profiles get more messages and matches.
Getting a second opinion on your profile doesn’t hurt. Jo says her partner’s profile stood out for its detailed description of his interests, which made it easy for her to ask questions, and several decent photographs (not selfies). “He told me later that a female friend helped him.”
… but be open to being surprised
Logan Ury, a behavioural scientist turned dating coach and the author of How to Not Die Alone, says people tend to fall into one of three categories: the romanticiser, chasing a fairytale; the maximiser, with a checklist, always out for the next best match; and the hesitator, who is seeking reasons not to start looking.
Instead, Ury suggests cultivating a “growth mindset”. If you see each date as a learning opportunity, it becomes less decisive.
Apps make it easy to be overprescriptive about a potential partner, but it is impossible to gauge chemistry or compatibility from a profile. If you are curious about someone, meet them.
“We’re so quick to judge,” says the comedian Katerina Robinson, 28. She ended up matched with a long list of tall, bearded project managers (“my type”) before recently having her horizons broadened by a BDSM enthusiast she met through work. “If you don’t keep an open mind, you’ll always end up dating different versions of the same person and never find out what you actually like.”
Plan a date that works for you
Pre-pandemic, meeting for the first time for a walk or on a video call would have been exceptional; now, all bets are off. Take advantage and arrange a date that you truly want to go on. (For women in particular, being proactive tends to be rewarded, OkCupid data shows.)
You might find dating becomes less daunting and easier to fit in. “Keep a first date short – and weekdays only. Don’t waste your weekend on a stranger,” says Jessica.
Prefer to test for a spark on a phone or video call before meeting in person? Since lockdown, many dating platforms have introduced calling functionality, so you don’t have to give out your number.
Feel yourself – literally and figuratively
Sensuality might not figure into your life as a single person, even if you have a healthy sex life. Kate Moyle, a psychosexual therapist and the host of the podcast The Sexual Wellness Sessions, says it is important not to neglect the importance of touch – if only your own. “Building on the relationship with yourself and your body is not partner-dependent,” she says. “Take time to touch and explore your body, getting to know yourself and what you like – not just in terms of sexual pleasure, but in terms of sensuality and all-over body touch.”
Not only can this help to build your own body confidence, it can support you in communicating with a new partner, says Moyle.
Ury recommends establishing a pre-date ritual, such as calling a supportive friend or playing a favourite song, to help you approach the date “from a place of optimism and possibility”.
Forget flirting – just say hello
According to a 2020 YouGov survey, only one in 20 Britons in their 20s met their current or most recent partner “out and about” – at a gig, bar or bookshop, for example – versus one in five aged 50 to 64.
The fear of embarrassment and rejection makes swiping across screens much more attractive than approaching strangers in public – yet, for many, an old-fashioned “meet cute” remains the gold standard. Also, if we never return to the office full-time, another time-honoured path to romance will be diminished.
Lord says the direct approach is due a comeback: “I’ve been out recently and managed to talk to guys in bars in ways that I thought didn’t exist any more.” She relates it to the pandemic: “Everyone is so desperate for human contact. If you’re feeling a little bit awkward, it’s all right, because everyone is in the same boat.”
Instead of an obvious come-on, she suggests being friendly and striking up a conversation. “There’s less of a risk factor if you can find common ground that will make it seem less intrusive, and you’re not going to feel rejected if the conversation stops.”
If flirting seems foreign, keep it light, says Jean Smith, a “flirt coach” and the author of Flirtology: Stop Swiping, Start Talking and Find Love: “You’ll soon find it’s not as scary as you imagined. Just go up and say hi.”
Worried about being considered sleazy? Don’t be a sleaze
Many men are afraid of asking out women for fear of being seen as sleazy – but if your intentions are not sleazy, and you are sensitive to others and to the situation, it may be worth the fleeting discomfort.
“If you’re really attracted to a woman and think the vibe is right, but you’re scared to ask her out, ask yourself: ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’” says Kieran, 26. “Then walk yourself concretely through that worst-case scenario.”
If it is nothing more than a polite no and some mild embarrassment, he says “shoot your shot – send a DM or ask her for a drink like you’re ripping off a plaster. And if the answer is anything other than a resounding yes, take it as a no – and live to try another day.”
In my experience, the difference between a cynical come-on and a genuine compliment, offered without expectation, is like night and day.
Find a wing (wo)man – or couple
“Everyone has that friend who likes to slightly embarrass you and set you up with people when you’re out,” says Lord. “You’re like: ‘Oh, stop it’ – but secretly grateful.” Also, if it backfires, “you can always put the blame on them”.
Partnered people, in particular, love to hear dating stories. Put them to work by asking them to set you up with a single friend or colleague, or engineer an introduction to a stranger. Combining groups can often be less intimidating.
“Don’t be afraid to be the third wheel,” agrees Aaron, 42. When he went to a bar recently with coupled-up friends, they got talking to another couple, who thought Aaron might be a match for one of their friends. “They tried to get us to do a FaceTime date.”
Know when to work against type
Chemistry and compatibility are not always aligned. If you find yourself consistently attracted to traits that work against you – such as emotional unavailability – it is possible to heal through therapy or self-reflection.
“Try to focus on how you want to feel, rather than fixed attributes or characteristics that you think will make you happy,” says Moyle. Our concept of what is desirable in a partner, and what we should look for, is informed by factors we may not even be aware of, she says. “Considering or challenging these messages could be a really positive thing. In fact, feeling satisfied, intimate and connected may look different to how we imagined.”
Lizzie Cernik, who has interviewed many couples for the Guardian’s How we met column, says it can be helpful to reflect on your “attachment style” – your approach to intimate relationships, established in childhood. “Don’t look for what you want in a partner and try to tick boxes – look for what you need,” she says. “The two can be very different.”
Do the second date
Unless the first date was truly disastrous, Ury is in favour of a second. We tend to see people’s flaws first, which means we may mistake pet peeves for dealbreakers. As for the fabled spark, it is a terrible measure of compatibility, she says: “Chemistry can build over time.”
Making two dates your default minimum helps to unearth deeper points of connection, such as values and long-term goals, and “give more people a chance”, says Ury. How your date makes you feel – understood, dismissed, desirable, drained? – is a better measure than butterflies.
Even after a good date, it is easy to catastrophise about the future. “If something feels good, just appreciate it for what it is and go with it,” says Lord. “Don’t worry about whether they would get on with your family, or are the ‘kind of person’ you could see as your girlfriend. You have to give yourself a chance to see whether you like them. That isn’t leading someone on, or a bad thing to do.”
Know your hard lines
That said, it is helpful to know which lines you won’t cross, such as political differences or ambivalence about children. “Particularly when it comes to shared relationship goals, if you’re not on the same page, it’s unlikely that will change,” says Olivia, 34. “Don’t get too caught up on people who don’t match what you’re looking for – it saves a lot of time and energy.”
Generally, anyone who demonstrates controlling or problematic behaviour, is consistently poor at communicating or does not meet your effort equally “is probably worth walking away from”, Olivia says.
Smith gets her clients to list “five fundamentals” on which they won’t compromise: “It helps you weed out any time-wasters.”
As soon as you are confident that there is no future, it is kind to communicate it, even if you have had only one or two dates. It may be tempting to ghost the person, but Ury says it will only make you feel bad about yourself and depressed about dating. She recommends sending a short, polite message such as: “I don’t think we’re a romantic fit.” (You can lessen the sting of sending it by saving a template on your phone.)
If you receive such a message, Lord says, try not to take it to heart: “There are so many reasons why they might not want to be with you that probably don’t have anything to do with you.” Allow yourself to be excited about your next date: “Life would be so depressing if you didn’t have hope.”
Accept yourself and be vulnerable
It is common for single people to be told to “work on themselves”, or to learn to be content on their own before they go looking for love. But it is perfectly fine to want to be in a romantic relationship as you are.
Sure, you will probably be a better, more secure partner if you have some awareness of your relationship history and patterns. But love is not a marathon for which you have to train, as our societal fixation with self-improvement and personal responsibility can suggest.
Jenny, 25, says longtime single friends, seeking to reassure her, will often labour the advantages of single life. “I think: that’s wonderful for you – but there are days when all I want is a cuddle or someone to make dinner with,” she says. “Being able to admit that you want companionship and romance is healthy and, I believe, helpful when it comes to being single. It’s OK to have those days, as long as you are able to pick yourself up and keep going.”
Jenny says learning to open up and be vulnerable with friends has helped: “Being able to share your wants, desires and goals in life is a huge part of a romantic relationship – but friendships are also a loving relationship, just in a different way.”
Finally, don’t date if you don’t want to
It is easy to feel the pressure – from friends or family, or our couple-centric culture – to “put yourself out there”, but no one gains from you going on dates you don’t fancy. “Only date when you’re enjoying it,” says Alison. “Doing it for the sake of it will zap the joy from your life and take away much-needed energy reserves.”
A break can also bring clarity and perspective. Elena, 32, stopped dating after she realised that she had not healed from negative experiences in past relationships. “I realised that a lot of dating tropes – when do you text them back, when do you have sex with them, how do you not ‘scare them off’? – were triggering for me, so I opted out for a while.”
The pause gave her a chance to appreciate her life. “I’m doing great on my own – and realising that has made dating a lot less stressful,” she says. “Why do I need to find ‘the one’ when I’m quite happy with myself and my life?”
Kayleigh, 30, agrees: “You can be in total control of your happiness, with no compromises. Want to go to the cinema? You can. Fancy a trip away? Book it! Want to eat pizza in your PJs at 11am? No judgment! It’s super-freeing!”
Jen, 37, says: “I’ve done more dining, travelling and embarking on adventures alone in the last two years than ever before.” Being single through the pandemic, she learned to accept all parts of herself, including those she had previously disliked or shied away from. The experience has been life-changing, she says: “I know myself in ways I never thought possible.”
Now, she says, “I would so much rather be solo than in an unfulfilling relationship – when one is single, the possibilities are unlimited”.
Some names have been changed
