At 4.10pm, the last business of the day began in the House of Commons. A backbench debate called by Tory Jamie Wallis on residential cooperative power production. There were just two people in the chamber. Wallis and Graham Stuart, the government minister obliged to respond. Both heroically tried to ignore the futility of the situation and heard each other out. As if something worthwhile was taking place. But once they had both said their piece – for obvious reasons there were no interruptions – they looked a bit embarrassed and shuffled off. Shortly before 4.30pm, the Commons adjourned for the day.
Some might call this a zombie parliament. Lifelessly ticking over with no sense of direction. Less than two weeks after returning from a six-week recess, the Commons had already run out of things to do. Rishi Sunak sees it rather differently. Inaction Man regards inaction as a virtue. The fact that parliament could pack up early was a sign of success. That the government was doing its job. That everything that needed to be done, had been done. What cost of living crisis? What stagnant growth? There are no schools falling down. Rather than criticising the government for doing nothing the country should be grateful for what the Conservatives have done.
But politics abhors a vacuum. So in the absence of RishGPT running the country, Keir Starmer thought he would get some practice in before the next election. And why not? Most European leaders already regard him as the de facto UK prime minister. So the Labour leader, decked out in his favourite international hitman black shirt, had headed off to Europol headquarters in The Hague to discuss how to stop the small boats. After all, Inaction Man hadn’t managed to sort it out over the past 12 months, so he might as well have a go.
In a series of interviews with rightwing papers – might as well try to get them onside – Starmer had outlined his plans. The trafficking gangs would be treated as harshly as terrorism and the climate crisis. I’m not sure the small boats pose quite the same existential threat to the planet as global warming, but what do I know? Keir was very, very serious. With the cooperation of the police in the EU, he was going to smash the gangs. Get rid of the traffickers and the number of refugees arriving in the UK would slow to a manageable trickle. That and establishing safe routes for genuine asylum seekers should solve the problem.
It took a while for Sunak to respond. He’d been too busy on another helicopter awayday from Downing Street. This time on another pointless jaunt to Devon. To watch the sewage pouring into rivers. Another Tory triumph. But he did eventually make time to record a television pool clip. Starmer working with Europol was a betrayal of Brexit, he claimed. The EU would force us to take back 100,000 immigrants as part of a returns deal.
Just mad. But Inaction Man couldn’t help himself. His Artificial Stupidity buffering. For one thing, RishGPT had once committed himself to working with police forces in the EU. How else were you going to stop gangs in France and Belgium? Sunak seemed to imagine he could create his own supranational hit squad. Then there was the amnesia. He had completely forgotten that his own government’s policy was in tatters. We were already effectively taking 80,000 migrants a year anyway. Simply because the Rwanda plan was a non-starter and the UK didn’t have the capacity to process those arriving in small boats. Starmer merely laughed off Sunak’s ersatz government as talking nonsense. There was no way he would agree to a returns deal of 100,000 a year.
But Sunak wasn’t finished. He also wanted to explain that he hadn’t deliberately let five hospitals affected with Raac fall to pieces while he was chancellor. What he had done was delayed mending them until they could be considered part of a new hospitals building plan some years later. Which was obviously a huge improvement. He was also thrilled that hospital waiting lists were now at their highest level ever. Showed how much people value the NHS. RishGPT is often at his best when he says nothing at all.
Back in the Commons, a handful of MPs were reluctantly making an appearance. Though they weren’t entirely sure why. At departmental questions, the business and trade secretary, Kemi Badenoch, got through the entire hour without insulting anyone. Normally she never passes up the opportunity to make enemies by being rude to anyone who disagrees with her. But she too was on auto-pilot. A government by numbers and she could barely bring herself to open her eyes. She certainly had nothing to say about her department’s brief. Other than that Brexit was proving a bonus by limiting trade.
Next up, there was an urgent question on the flooding disaster in Libya in which as many as 20,000 people may have drowned. Only about five backbenchers were in for that so the whole thing was done and dusted in under 20 minutes. The Libyans would have been so touched by the concern. And overwhelmed by the £1m in aid we’ve given them.
Voter fraud was next on the agenda. For about 30 minutes, as the braindead levelling up minister Rachel Maclean wrestled with the wrong end of the stick. Quite how someone so dim can get into government is a mystery. Can there really not be anyone more able than her? She makes stupidity and complacency an art form. She had read the report from the Electoral Commission, which found that voter ID had severely affected the ability of some minorities to vote and concluded everything was working perfectly. Several opposition MPs tried to put her right, but she wasn’t having it. Maybe she overdid the Valium.
Come the business statement, the shadow leader of the house, Lucy Powell, took the government to task for doing nothing. This was a zombie parliament, she said. We would be on recess next Wednesday so Inaction Man could avoid prime minister’s questions and there were rumours Sunak wanted to prorogue parliament for two weeks before the next king’s speech later in the autumn. Could the leader confirm this?
Penny Mordaunt gave a bloodless smile. She too was only going through the motions. She attempted a feeble comeback about Starmer being a “Beach Ken” with “zero balls”, but this won’t stick. No conviction. Inaction Man though is here to stay. It fits. Plus she didn’t try to deny Sunak’s dislike of PMQs or the two-week prorogation. If we get the government we deserve, we must all have done some bad shit in a previous life.
