A new Nielsen report has just been published, analysing the way in which audiences streamed their television last year. It’s a long and complex report that requires an advanced level of close reading, in order to fully parse all its numerous clauses and complexities. However, the primary takeaway seems to be that you people watch way too much Suits.
By some distance, Suits was the most streamed programme in the US last year, racking up 57.7bn viewed minutes. And, yes, there are some qualifications to make here. In America, Suits streams on two platforms – Netflix and Peacock – and it has an archive of 141 45-minute-long episodes. Compare this to say, Netflix’s The Night Agent (which has only aired 10 episodes in total), then of course Suits is going to rack up more minutes viewed. There is an argument here to say that “minutes viewed” shouldn’t always equate to “most popular”.
But still. Suits. Suits, for crying out loud. We live in a world of almost unlimited choice, where the best television that has ever been made sits forever in a streaming submenu, waiting to be devoured by a huge and discerning global audience. And you’re watching Suits? You’re watching a beginner-level legal drama that hasn’t aired any new episodes in half a decade, feels like it was written by ChatGPT and is performed by actors who have visibly never managed to experience more than one simultaneous emotion? It’s weird. Listen viewers, one day you will die. I guarantee that, at this rate, your final dying thought will be profound regret at wasting your life watching too much Suits.
Nevertheless, as worrying as the Suits thing is, it is merely the headline. Dig further into the data and a more complex picture emerges. Here are some other lessons.
Old shows are much more popular than new shows
The overall streaming top 10 is dominated by old shows that were licensed by streamers, rather than commissioned by them. Suits we know about. But NCIS managed to rack up 39.4bn minutes, Grey’s Anatomy 38.6bn, The Big Bang Theory 27.8bn and Friends 25bn. In comparison, the most viewed streaming original of 2023 was Ted Lasso, which only managed 16.9bn minutes.
Again, we need to factor in the size of the catalogues at play here. There are only 34 episodes of Ted Lasso, compared to 443 episodes of NCIS. But still, this shows that people are much happier to soak in the comfort of something they’ve already watched on actual TV than they are trying something new. This could be a sign that the days of peak TV are over, and that the future of streaming might just be an endless loop of the sort of old network shows that you often see running on mute in the background of dentist waiting rooms.
You are not terribly present parents
The dominance of old shows in the overall streaming top ten is broken up by two wily interlopers, both of whom have managed to notch up tens of billions of minutes watched. Interestingly, both of these shows are for children. Netflix’s Cocomelon was watched for 36.3bn minutes, and Disney+’s Bluey was watched for a whopping 43.9bn minutes, making it the second most streamed title in America.
Now, Bluey’s presence can be easily explained by the fact that it is an incredibly good television programme with multigenerational appeal. The depth and breadth of imagination that Bluey demonstrates from episode to episode is a testament to what television can achieve, and I’d be willing to bet that a fairly high percentage of those minutes were watched purely by adults. On the other hand, sitting through even a second of Cocomelon as an adult is roughly equivalent to spending a thousand years being tortured with red hot pokers in an echo chamber that has been filled with vomit and malfunctioning smoke detectors. It is hideous, and it’s clear that many of you are just dumping your kids in front of it and then buggering off down the pub.
Netflix is still the streamer to beat
Seven titles in the overall top 10. Seven in the original programme top 10, seven in the acquired programme top 10. Four in the movie top 10. Although the media has been quick to signal the end of Netflix’s golden years of late, this data shows that all the other streamers are still scrambling to make ground. Max has a moderate showing thanks to old sitcoms like The Big Bang Theory and Friends, and Disney+ has the edge when it comes to movies. However, if you want to be seen, Netflix is still the place to be. Perhaps this is the time to say a prayer for Amazon Prime Video, a streamer that cannot buy its way into the top ten with all the money in the world.
