In the latest episode of Succession, professional side character and Waystar Roy Co board member Sandi Furness is discussing how she declined Connor Roy’s wedding invitation when she mutters the somewhat throwaway line: “That was such a regretful no.”
Of course we know this is complete bulls**t, but it is such a well placed, understated way of saying “I do not want to come to your wedding because I do not like you or your spouse enough to allocate my precious time that way,” that you simply have to marvel at it. The rudest snub in the world, packaged into a neat little digestible morsel.
The perfect decline is an underrated, underutilised and invaluable art form. It is not easy to turn down an invitation to something huge, like someone’s wedding, or a landmark birthday, and maintain a completely unscathed relationship. Far too many of us have accepted invites to events when we’ve sunk two glasses of wine, found ourselves in a pleasant mood and the person asking is sitting directly across from us so staying out of their eyeline just won’t quite cut it this time.
I’m not typically in the habit of suggesting that we as a society should take notes on decorum from Succession, of all things, but maybe Sandi Furness was onto something. Here’s how you can steal her style and snipe down any unwanted plans with subtlety.
Show remorse, but not a sickening amount
“A regretful no,” is so masterful because it’s just delicate enough for you to almost believe that Sandi wanted to come, but not so much that you’d ask “Well, if you’re so cut up by it, why don’t you just say yes?” This is the fragile centre of the venn diagram into which you must deftly place yourself.
Too many times have I declined an invitation and said I’m “gutted” not to make it, only to be met with alternatives to my excuse, or rationale for why I actually should join, as if the inviter believes I, the invitee, really am gutted not to be there. Some people really can’t take a hint, so make sure not to go too hard: “I’m sorry,” not “I’m so sorry,” then “I can’t make that day” and finally, “but have a brilliant time.” Simple, vague, forgettable. You have successfully slipped through their net.
The backwards double book
This is a personal favourite, and perhaps the only viable route for saying no to something massive like a wedding. As anyone knows, it’s a big deal to say no to a wedding if you have no actual real world reason (like another wedding, or you have broken your leg). But the day that ‘Save The Date’ text comes through, or the RSVP arrives in the post, you have what you need: the day of the year where you are suddenly, inexplicably, irreversibly busy.
“Oh how lovely that your wedding is on May 5th, but sadly I’m set to be in the Maldives with my entire family that week,” you can say, or, “What, you’re getting married on June 24th? Rats, I’m doing a six day intensive scuba class in South Africa that week!” What they needn’t know is that you booked these events 30 minutes after receiving your invite, and that you purposefully avoided buying travel insurance so you can’t amend your flights.
NB: This is a get out of jail free card and, unless you are Succession level wealthy, obviously cannot be reused frequently. But if in a massive pinch, book that bizarre bucket list activity you’ve always dreamed of and don’t look back.
Pick your bails
If you have burned someone badly before – a missed wedding, a forgotten birthday – best be sure they will remember that, and they will be taking note. However, the art of the decline is just that, an art form: not only can you not decline too often, you must also have established some history of declining, or your friend will be irreparably crushed after mentally making a space for you.
Do you think Roman Roy turns up to every single event he is invited to? Would Shiv be there for your baby shower? No, because they are busy, nasty people, and as such, you do not expect them to be there, so if they do arrive it’s a pleasant surprise (well, maybe not if Logan turned up). Make yourself a desirable extra addition to events, not a necessity, and your bailing will be much better received – after all, you can’t disappoint someone if they already have no hope!
The honest approach
Maybe I’m just saying this because I like to vicariously watch people blow up their lives but sometimes the bomb has to be dropped. You’ve just read around 800 words worth of guidance for snubbing a mate without getting into hot water, which means it may be worth investigating why you want to avoid a certain event or friend so much.
If you were truly Succession-born, you would tell your friend point blank why you don’t want to attend their event. If you really hate your friend’s fiancée, maybe it’s worth having a word before the wedding, instead of jetting off for an impromptu Antarctic expedition on their big day. If you’d rather stay home than head out to someone’s birthday party, tell them – they might still love you anyway. And if you find yourself cancelling on a mate multiple times in a row, maybe you just don’t want to see them ever again!
Our days are numbered and I’ve spent too much money on gifts, dresses and bad drinks in sub-par pubs to turn up anywhere I don’t want to be these days. So sorry, but it’s a regretful no from me.
