Spoilers below for anyone who hasn’t yet watched the series finale for HBO’s Succession, so be warned!
“T- to the O-M. Wamb to the S-Gans.” That isn’t nearly as catchy as Kendall’s unforgettable rap song dedicated to his hard-hearted father, but it might be the one that Tom’s child eventually sings to him, presumably as an homage, at some big gala celebrating his life atop Waystar Royko as the official successor to Brian Cox’s late bazillionaire. In the end, Matthew Macfadyen’s foul-mouthed sycophant earned the spot at the head of Succession’s boardroom table, in large part due to Shiv the Shiv gutting Kendall when he most needed to remain un-Shived. It definitely took a while to get to that reveal, though, with 75+ minutes of Jesse Armstrong & Co.’s brilliantly savage, quirky, and endlessly quotable dialogue.
So instead of talking the ins and the outs of how Tom will do as Matsson’s powerful puppet, let’s celebrate the best of the best lines from Succession’s series finale, “With Open Eyes,” since they’re almost definitely the last lines we’ll ever hear from the Roy family and the few characters who actually deserved happiness in the end.
Kendall: I fucking got this, Telly Bear.
While only a C+ line in the moment, it became an A+ line in retrospect, when comparing Kendall’s untethered optimism to the haggard look on Jeremy Strong’s face in the final shot as Ken’s staring out over the water. No moment in Succession was more worthy of Ron Howard’s Arrested Development Narrator popping in with a quick “He didn’t” than this gem.
Shiv: This is separate feelings aside: Tom will honestly suck the biggest dick in the room. That’s just my assessment.
It’s almost heartbreaking to think that Shiv’s purposefully half-assed attempts to keep Tom employed beneath Matsson’s wing very directly helped to convince Matsson that her metaphorical dong-gobbling hubby would be the perfect Stepford CEO for him to control.
Kendall: New Jess, New Jess.
I’m not sure if Succession ever did pinpoint the name of Kendall’s new assistant before the finale ended, possibly because I was too amused by him initially calling her “New Jess.” It sucks that Juliana Canfield wasn’t around to conclude things, but at least her wrongfully attributed name was there to make up for some of it.
Catherine: Yeah, I don’t like to think of all these blobs of jelly rolling around in your head. Just…face eggs.
Harriet Walter’s performance in “With Open Eyes” makes me wish she’d been around so much more often to share her specific distaste for human eyes and other peculiar details. “Jeepers creepers, where’d you get those face eggs?”
Kendall: Cunt is as cunt does.
This line would easily be too sleazy a Kendall bumper sticker if not for how it foreshadowed Shiv’s umpteenth betrayal. In other shows, the mere fact that he spoke of her in such a way might have been the thing that provoked the betrayal, but this is Succession, after all, where not even Shiv’s future breast milk off-limits.
Tom: I have an excess of vigilance, I think, and I have a very high tolerance for pain and physical discomfort.
Fans have so often seen Tom punching down when dealing with Greg and others below his pay grade, so seeing him show his true colors as a brown-nosing parasite is always a joy. And this particular selling point sparked quite the chuckle, and it was all the more hindsight-hilarious after Greg fought back during their bathroom mini-rumble.
Greg: Hey, so..okay so, I have something huge. Dude, I’m in the center of the fucking universe with, like, knowledge to…to fucking, like, take down solar systems, man.
By and large, Nicholas Braun’s Greg has delivered my favorite lines in all of Succession, and while he didn’t get quite as many zingers as I would have liked in the finale, he was once again a lynchpin in bringing a house of cards down. (And through the cleverest of means, by using his phone to translate Matsson’s crew while they gossipped.) It’s too bad that the solar system his information ended up taking down was Kendall himself.
Greg: Can I quad it up? Like, full quad?
Anytime Greg takes another shot at making #QuadGoals happen, I am all over it and then some. The joke really is on the Roy siblings, though, since Greg will still be living large at Waystar under some of his own terms, while the others will be wallowing in their own respective forms of misery. (Granted, Shiv will probably work Tom over to get her way sooner rather than later, but still.)
Telly: I think it hasn’t been great for credibility, The Incredible Fuck Brother Bandwagon.
Who knew the blonde-o Telly would make two appearances in this list, and that he would actually get one of the big lines? I love that he got to tell Kendall and Roman that their co-CEO venture has been summed up by the outside world in carnival sideshow terms, and that it was over the phone where no one could do anything about it. And big props to the editors for keeping in the take where Kieran Culkin subtly muffed repeating the name back. It’s a hard phrase to say out of the blue.
Shiv: Persuasive. What else did he say when no one was around? That he was the Zodiac Killer? That he did Tupac?
Is it really THAT out there to think that Logan might take credit for some of the biggest unsolved murder cases in the last 100 years? He probably wouldn’t drop those confessions into Roman’s ears, admittedly.
Roman: Or he played you like a big fiddle. Like a pregnant cello.
Another instant laugh-out-loud line from Roman, who couldn’t help but add a quippy insult to injury as Shiv was realizing her big play had dissolved beneath her.
Roman: You get the bauble. Congratulations. It’s haunted and cursed and nothing will ever go right, but…yeah, enjoy your bauble.
Another line that was rock solid in the moment, only for it to get upended by the time the credits rolled. The only bauble that Kendall actually took on was the imagined trinket his brother sarcastically offered him, and yet it still managed to haunt and curse him.
Caroline: Fine. That fucks Christmas up, doesn’t it? Oh, don’t touch that, that’s Peter’s cheese! God’s sake. I made that mistake myself. His special cheese. He gets really boring about it.
So. Goddamned. Good. The up-and-down-ness of this line was so perfect, and Harriet Walter’s delivery was indeed good enough to send the siblings into the giggle-fits that ensued. Maybe not enough to cause Roman to slosh his tongue over every inch of Peter’s special cheese, but he rarely needs further provoking.
Peter: Fucking waste of time.
Power to Pip Torrens, who knocks every appearance as Peter out of the park, and I don’t think anyone in this show was dealt a better final line than this. I’m sure his idea was shit, too, and he should have known better than to try and sell the Roy kids on it.
Logan's Delivery Of The Losers List
Though Brian Cox filmed a scene or two for the funeral episode, that was just to throw off onlookers. The finale, however, did feature a “new” Logan scene that was definitely worth waiting for, as he delivered the politically minded Losers List at a dinner party with Conner, Kerry and the Waystar higher-ups. The whole thing was solid, and even though it was split up by others’ dialogue, it still warranted a spot on this list.
Conner: I’m a little teapot. Fuck off!
Now I need a whole run of just Roy siblings parodying classic kids songs as if Logan was the one singing them. Conner didn’t even need to keep singing this one. Two-lined perfection.
Hugo: Big, big day on the ol’ salami line, huh?
This would have been a humdinger of a Fisher Stevens line even if Karolina hadn’t just voiced to Shiv an interest in firing Hugo as soon as possible. I suppose I see her point.
Kendall: Bullshit. Bullshit. You like pancakes and waffles and you kiss guys on Molly. You’re not the heart of darkness. You’re…you’re a grilled cheese with a sucked dick.
Succession sometimes takes it bro-baby shit-talk to baffling places, such as when Kendall called Stewy a “grilled cheese with a sucked dick.” Is that really the opposite of the heart of darkness? Does one reach the River Styx, take a hard left turn, and then there’s the land of grilled cheeses with sucked dicks somewhere yonder?
Kendall: I’m the eldest boy!!
Kendall has hit so many new lows during Succession’s four seasons, with arguably the biggest 1-2-3 combo being “being involved in that waiter’s death,” “confessing his involvement to Roman and Shiv,” and then “lying and saying that confession was all bullshit,” with the latter happening in the finale. Oh wait, you say you have that much further to fall, Ken? Ah, yes, screaming the phrase “I’m the eldest boy!!” in the midst of an argument with your brother and sister, within an office with glass walls that aren’t soundproof. That’s somehow the dumbest low Kendall could have stooped to. Since it’s pure whining, and also isn’t even true.
Roman: Hey! We are bullshit.
Even though Kieran Culkin’s wholly defeated Roman rattled off a bit more about just how nothing they are as a family, the line above could easily serve as an epitaph for any one of the siblings, Conner included, or even Logan himself. Just spray paint that rumination across the front of the family crypt, I’d say.
Honorable Mentions
- Shiv: Are there any, uh, positives about the nightmare we’ve shared?
- Caroline: Seem to have landed myself the only hellhole in paradise.
- Shiv: Just a bit of horseplay gone wrong. Just a biff to the head and a bonk to the noggin.
- Shiv: You can smile, bitch.
- Roman: Oh, it’s a BAG of frozen knobbies.
- Kendall: Don’t go down on Peter’s special cheese.
- Roman: I haven’t seen Frank run like that ever.
Succession may be done with delivering new episodes, but fans can always rewatch the four-season run to their hearts’ content with a Max subscription.
