WATCH: A Paralympic gold medallist in the pool, Tupou Neiufi reveals the struggles she's had to overcome - mental, physical and cultural - in this Loading Docs documentary. And she tells Suzanne McFadden what she's decided for her future.
Barely a day goes by when Tupou Neiufi doesn’t wrestle with herself to get out of bed at 4.30am.
It doesn’t help that the swimmer who’s won Paralympic Games gold and world championship silver hates getting wet and can’t stand the smell of chlorine.
Or that the 21-year-old grapples with often crippling self-doubt, the pressure to perform, and the on-going fatigue that stems from the traumatic brain injury she suffered in a near fatal hit-and-run when she was just two.
At times, she also finds herself at odds with her Tongan culture, where disability can sometimes be perceived as karma on your family, and where you must fully cover your body to go swimming.
And she’s been the victim of cruel cyber-bullying about her disability – or wrongly presumed lack of it.
And yet, Neiufi has already targeted the 2024 Paralympic Games in Paris, and bringing home another gold.
“Every morning, I fight myself because I don’t know why I’m still doing it. But I still go because at the end of the day, it’s something I’m really passionate about,” she says. “And if you asked me if I was going to quit, the answer would immediately be ‘No’.”
Neiufi hopes to share her messages with Pasifika youth, especially around mental health and being true to yourself, as the subject of the newly released Loading Docs short documentary, Beneath the Surface.
“I want to help to break the generational cycle, especially when it comes to mental health,” she says.
The documentary follows Neiufi in the four months leading up to this year’s Commonwealth Games in Birmingham - where she struggled with pressure, was bedridden with Covid, then slipped behind in her preparation. In spite of the hurdles – both physical and mental - she went on to win silver in the 100m backstroke S8 classification.
“Swimming has pretty much given me everything,” Neiufi says in the documentary. “It gives me that real drive to better myself each and every day.
“I want to win so bad, but that self-doubt never stops creeping in.”
While she now understands most high performance athletes experience periods of self-doubt, Neiufi still relies on a support team to help her “push through the dark times”.
After she won gold at the Paralympic Games in Tokyo last year, she was harassed on social media by people questioning her disability.
“A lot of people were used to see disabled athletes in wheelchairs or with no limbs. So, for me to come through not in a chair and with all my limbs - there were people who weren’t very happy with that,” she says.
Neiufi has hemiplegia – paralysis on one side of her body – after being hit by a speeding car as a toddler. Her left side is weaker and smaller, and her brain injury means she tires quickly.
“It’s so hard to pull yourself away from looking at those comments. There were a few people saying ‘Is she even handicapped? She shouldn’t be allowed to race’,” Neiufi says.
“I managed to brush it off. But then I was getting direct messages accusing me of faking my disability, because I looked ‘normal’. They made me doubt myself and question ‘Did I deserve to win this gold medal?’”
At a time when she should have been celebrating, Neiufi turned to her athlete life advisor, Sarah Blundell, who “helped pull me out of that dark zone.”
In the documentary, Neiufi works through the cultural issues she’s had to contend with as a young Tongan woman whose profile as a world-class athlete continues to grow.
“For a lot of Polynesian cultures, having a disability is a bad thing. It’s like karma on the family and that’s why a lot of families tend to just leave their kids at home,” she says. “I’m just lucky with my family, my parents were able to see through that.”
And then there’s the issue of modesty; Tongans usually swim fully clothed. “With swimming I’m wearing togs so you can pretty much see everything,” Neiufi says.
“There would be a bit of talk: ‘She should wear a t-shirt when she swims’. Well, that’s not going to get me a gold medal, is it?”
Neiufi, just 15 when she first swam for New Zealand at the 2016 Rio Paralympics, also talks about coming to grips with “being seen differently” as a Polynesian in elite swimming, and feeling she wasn’t good enough to compete on the international stage.
But she’s grateful for Tongan role models like Olympic shot put legend Dame Valerie Adams and her sister, Lisa, who also won gold in shotput at the Tokyo Paralympics.
“I’ve been in high performance for 10 years now; so I would see Val at the gym once or twice a week,” Neiufi says. “The very first time I saw her, she came and said hello, but I felt so scared. She was so much taller than me.
“But she’s an amazing person, who jokes around with everyone. When Lisa started competing, seeing them interact with each other was so cool.”
She realises she’s now a role model, especially to young Pasifika women and girls with disabilities. “It’s pretty cool having people come up to me and say I inspire them to get into swimming - especially when I hear that from Pasifika parents. It really touches my heart because it’s something I’m very passionate about,” she says.
“One of my goals is to help advocate for women in sport. It’s a huge thing for me.”
Every couple of months, Neiufi thinks about throwing in the towel, but she’s still training daily at the pool in Pukekohe, working towards the Para swimming world championships in Manchester next August. She’s just applied for a job as a pool lifeguard.
“Although I’m a swimmer I hate getting wet. I can’t stand it. I stand on the pool deck feeling really moody about getting in,” she says.
“But after the session it gives me such a sense of achievement. And I feel so much better for doing it.”
She’s also finally accepted herself for who she is and the culture she represents. “I’m so proud to be a Tongan and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
• Beneath the Surface is part of the 2022 Loading Docs collection and can be viewed online via www.newsroom.co.nz/lockerroom, nzherald.co.nz/loadingdocs and www.loadingdocs.net
