A grieving mum who lost her much longed-for baby at 19 weeks is challenging herself to a daring fundraiser to raise money for the charity which offered support in her darkest hour.
Paula Fraser will abseil from the Falkirk Wheel on Sunday to gather cash for Held in our Hearts (HIOH) – which helped her and husband Johnny come to terms with their loss.
After years of trying to get pregnant, Paula, a team manager for a pensions company, and Johnny, a Scotrail conductor, were left devastated by the news just before Christmas in 2021 that their baby would not survive.
The Stirling couple married in 2017 and decided that they wanted to start a family. However, after a series of complications, meaning Paula, 43, had to undergo surgery, they were told that their best chance of having a baby would be via IVF treatment.
They joined the waiting list in 2019 but due to their age they were only allotted a single try on the NHS at Ninewells Hospital in Dundee.
They received the green light for treatment in February 2020, however Covid hit and everything stopped.
Paula told the Observer: “It was a blow to us and I found it quite difficult to have this setback. However, I understand there were worse things happening around us.
“In June 2020, we got the go-ahead from Dundee and in July 2020 we started treatment. Unfortunately, I only had one egg retrieved and the embryo wasn’t viable for transfer. We were disappointed and were told there was little chance of success if we did try again.
“After much discussion about our next steps, we decided to try again using an egg donor. Due to waiting times in Scotland, we opted to go to Alicante, Spain, for treatment and we did this in September 2021, after undergoing a lot of tests/hormones at a private clinic in Dundee.
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“We were delighted that we ended up with seven viable embryos – one was transferred and I got a positive pregnancy result. We couldn’t have hoped for a better outcome and both the six week scan and 12 week scan showed a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat.”
It was at a gender scan at 18 weeks when they were first told of complications. The baby had an enlarged bladder and as a result doctors couldn’t confirm the sex as they were unable to determine the extent of the complication.
“I saw my consultant the next morning and he confirmed our worst fears – our baby wasn’t going to survive”, Paula added.
“Our baby had a blocked urethra meaning they couldn’t wee and so I had low amniotic fluid. Our consultant confirmed even if I did carry to term, the kidney damage would be irreversible and lung development would have been affected due to low fluid so our baby wouldn’t survive outside of the womb.”
On December 22, 2021, Paula went into Forth Valley Royal Hospital where her labour was started and the following morning at 9.42am the couple’s baby was born at 19 weeks.
It was at that stage Paula and Johnny had to make the most difficult of decisions. She added: “We opted not to see or hold our baby, feeling this would make things that much harder for us and we also chose not to find out the gender.
“We got home from the hospital on December 24 and started the grieving process – for the loss of our baby and for the loss of the hopes and dreams we had for our future. It was a very difficult start to 2022.”
A post-mortem was carried out which showed that the complication was not genetic and was the result of bad luck.
“We decided we’d try again as we still had six frozen embryos in Alicante. I had further embryo transfers in May, June and September 2022 but none of these ended in pregnancy.
“We decided we couldn’t keep putting ourselves through this so donated the remaining embryos back to the clinic. It was – and still is – difficult to process that we were never going to have a baby, something we both wanted very much.”
Following the traumatic experience, the couple sought help and found assistance through the Held in our Hearts charity – which provides baby loss counselling and peer support to families.
Paula said: “The staff at Forth Valley Hospital were amazing – I couldn’t have asked for better care or follow up. When leaving the hospital, they gave us different leaflets for counselling, etc, and one was for Held in our Hearts.
“I reached out to HIOH at the start of February 2022. Up until that point I had only spoken to friends about what we were feeling but felt I needed more help in dealing with my grief.
“The team are so helpful and kind – I was set up with a ‘befriender’ – someone who had been through a similar situation. I attended a Zoom group session where we shared our stories and this was useful as this kind of grief can be very lonely.
“I had a one-to-one session with my befriender and also attended a group face-to-face session.
“Throughout my healing process someone is always at the end of a phone, message or available to meet up and knowing that is a real comfort.”
Paula hopes the fundraiser will allow the charity to continue its work supporting bereaved families. She added: “I’m not great with heights but motivated to raise funds.”
She had initially set herself the target of raising £150, but at the time of print had already breezed past £1,300.
To donate to Paula’s charity effort, click here.
