Stephen Colbert
As usual of late, Stephen Colbert checked in on the latest with Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. “It’s like a nesting doll of bad,” the Late Show host said on Monday evening, after a weekend of indiscriminate shelling that has driven more than 1.5 million Ukrainians to flee the country.
That number would be higher if Russia abided by its own announced ceasefires. Over the weekend, Russian forces continued to pummel cities with rockets and mortars despite the announcement of corridors for civilian evacuations. “It’s like Putin’s competing in the evil Olympics against himself,” Colbert noted, “and because he’s Russian, you know he’s juicing.”
Putin has since said he would reopen corridors, but only for civilians to flee to Russia. “Well, that’s not helpful,” said Colbert. “That’s like having a safety sign that says ‘in case of fire, jump into a pit of snakes.’”
In response to brutal Russian tactics, the US and its European allies have discussed a ban on Russian imports of oil. “Take that, Putin! We’re not going to buy our gas from a war criminal,” Colbert deadpanned. “We’re going to buy it from the good guys: Saudi Arabia.”
Such a ban would have a cost, at a time when the average US gas price is at an all-time high of $4.104 a gallon. “OK, that stings, but a clean conscience is worth a buck or two,” said Colbert. “I’m willing to pay $4 a gallon. Hell, I’ll pay $15 a gallon, because I drive a Tesla.”
To help support Ukrainian civilians, some Americans have to taken to Etsy to purchase digital items such as fonts, patterns, downloadable photographs and artwork. “So now you can order a lovely, motivational needlepoint pattern that reads ‘Live, Laugh, Russian Warship Go Fuck Yourself’,” Colbert joked.
Seth Meyers
“It’s worth remembering in a moment of international crisis like the one we’re in right now that we came incredibly close to having this criminal dingus in charge of our response,” said Seth Meyers on Monday night over a photo of Donald Trump. “Can you imagine – can you imagine! – what things would be like with Donald Trump at the helm right now?
“I mean, put aside everything else – have you heard him talk lately?” the Late Night host continued. “He sounds like he’s muttering to himself while sitting under his favorite tree at the old folks home after getting his morphine drip topped off.”
Trump as president during the Russian invasion of Ukraine would be scary for many reasons, Meyers added, “one of which is Trump keeps giving us a glimpse as to how he would have responded. And as usual it has that unique Trump blend of being both terrifying and incredibly stupid at the same time.”
In a speech over the weekend to Republican donors in New Orleans, Trump said the US should put the Chinese flag on F-22 jets and “bomb the shit out of Russia” in retribution for its invasion of Ukraine.
“He definitely gets his ideas from cartoons,” Meyers responded. “I mean, this is a slightly stupider version of Bugs Bunny dressing up as a sexy lady to distract Elmer Fudd.” He then broke out his Trump impression, saying, “We put the Chinese flag on the planes and if that doesn’t work, we paint a tunnel on the side of a mountain.”
Trevor Noah
Ukrainians continue to brave the Russian invasion with courage, defiance, and, for one guy, stoned fearlessness. pic.twitter.com/yNSD4NRGLb
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) March 8, 2022
And on the Daily Show, Trevor Noah celebrated the Ukrainian resistance to Russian invaders. “It’s been so inspiring to see how they’re still, still telling the Russian invaders to go fuck themselves,” he said before a montage of Ukrainians telling off Russian soldiers, protesting in occupied streets and climbing on top of a Russian tank with the blue and yellow Ukrainian flag.
“This really shows you the difference between capturing a city and controlling a city,” said Noah. “You see, capturing a city is easy. You send in more tanks than the other team and then boom, it’s yours. But if you can’t stop the old man in town from coming out and roasting you, have you really won?”
Noah zeroed in on one Ukrainian interviewed by a British reporter who “seems to know the secret to not just coping with the possible destruction of your country, but smiling while doing it”.
Asked if he was all right by the journalist, the cheerful man said: “I’m alright. I smoke weed. Legalize 420.”
“You guys can have [Ukrainian president Volodymyr] Zelenskiy,” said Noah. “I just found my favorite Ukrainian.
“I don’t know about you, but when I smoke weed, I can barely handle the stress of the doorbell ringing,” he added. “This guy is in a war zone getting questioned by a journalist, and he’s chilled AF.”
