Attention all citizens. This is a public service announcement. Stop what you are doing and listen. For your own safety you are advised not to get ill any time in the next 10 years. If you feel a heart attack coming on, then just take a few deep breaths and ignore it.
If you are worried you may have cancer, take two aspirin and go to bed. If you aren’t dead within six months, you will know it was a false alarm. If you think you need mental health services, just pull yourself together. Just stop it. Thank you for your time. There will be further updates in due course.
