From working unsociable hours to waking at 4am to prepare for the day ahead, many mothers are overcoming huge challenges to stay in the workforce. Yet new research commissioned by Maltesers has found that once they get to work, many don’t feel they’re able to be their authentic selves: 30% say they don’t feel understood by others in the workplace, while 24% say they feel less valued than before.
This lack of authenticity can have a huge knock-on effect, according to Let’s Lighten the Load, a groundbreaking report from Maltesers. Not only do some working mums feel isolated, misunderstood and overlooked, but the inability to be honest about the challenges they face means they often don’t get the support they need. In some cases, mums may not be able to claim their maternity rights because their employers’ policies are not readily accessible.
Thankfully the picture isn’t totally bleak. We spoke to 13 working mums from around the country to hear about the challenges they’ve faced – and the people who have helped to lighten the load.
So if you’re a working mum, prepare to relate; if you’re not, prepare to make notes. If we want things to change, we all need to step up and become better allies (AKA motherlovers as Maltesers is calling them). Partners, families, friends, colleagues, bosses – we can all lend a hand in a myriad of ways, big and small. Read on for some motherloving inspiration …
Anna, family support at a school for children with special educational needs. Mum to a teenager of 17 and a nine-year-old
“My neighbour (and good friend) doesn’t have kids, and she can never believe how little time I have for myself. I’m used to it now, but it’s quite mad, really. If I’m not at work I’m cooking, cleaning, food shopping, ferrying my youngest to football, visiting my parents (my dad has serious health problems, and my mum has been taken into care after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s).
“My job is really intense too. I work in a school for children with special educational needs and disabilities; for the first eight years I was a teaching assistant in the classroom, but last year I started an office-based role in family support. My new role is less physically demanding, but the workload and responsibility can feel overwhelming at times, and there’s just no time to decompress.
“My husband is great and definitely helps out – he takes our youngest to school every day, shares the food shopping, and cooks dinner a couple of times a week – but he works full-time too and has a long commute, so lots of the day-to-day stuff falls on me. He also likes to go to the gym after work, so I’m often ready for bed by the time he gets in. Hopefully it won’t be like this forever – my eldest son is pretty self-sufficient, which helps – but right now, it’s just non-stop.”
Tobi, managing partner and head of growth at a media agency. Mum to children of five and three
“When my children were one and three, I changed from financial services to a full-time job in the media. I love my job, but it’s full-on, and I have used just about every arrangement going to keep the wheels turning on my career.
“Ambition does not die as you become a mum, for many of us it fuels and drives us to be ambitious for very deep, personal reasons. I had to learn a new sector [during lockdown], remotely, and blend that with a young family. My husband and family stepped in to help with the children while I put in the extra hours to learn. My boss has been a wonderful role model – she shares her advice and practical tips on being a working mum.
“Changing careers has been the best thing I ever did, and reaching out for support has been such a powerful lesson: it takes a village to raise a working mum.”
Kelly, wedding industry speaker and trainer. Mum to a five-year-old
“I wish people wouldn’t assume that because I have a young son I can’t travel to build a company. Society on the surface looks like it’s moved on with ‘women working’, but the reality is that most people expect women to put their lives on hold while raising children. My husband is just landing back from the US today – I imagine no one during his trip was worried about where his son was.
“My biggest ally has been my mum, Margaret; I could not have set up my business without her. By the time my son was two months old, I was desperate to get back to work – I wanted to use my brain and talk revenue, not just clean up baby sick. My mum stepped in and began to stay at our home two to three days a week to help keep everything running, as well as helping to take care of my son.
“Now almost six years later, my global business is thriving, which could only have happened with her time, love and support.”
Lindsey, technician at a hospital sterilisation and decontamination unit. Mum to children of four and two
“Like many NHS workers, I work shifts. When I was arranging my hours after my second maternity leave, I tried to be quite clever with what I chose to do. The pay is slightly better after 8pm and on weekends, so [as well as two day shifts a week] I do one evening shift, every Sunday and every other Saturday. My partner, Scott, has been really supportive; he has the kids while I’m working out of hours, so we don’t have to pay for childcare – but it’s a shame it has to come to that. Getting to spend time together is quite difficult, but it’s just what happens these days – one parent comes home and then the other goes to work.
“Aside from Scott, I have one massive ally, and that is my mum. She’s an absolute superstar. When I went back to work after having my eldest, she arranged for one of her days off to coincide with a day I was working so she could look after him. Now she has both kids every single Tuesday, all day. She even brings them home, she baths them, she does their teeth, she gives them dinner – so that’s been a massive, massive help.”
Rebecca, owner of a jewellery boutique. Mum to teenagers aged 15 and 13
“I gave up a career in TV when my children came along as my husband worked away filming and I didn’t want to have a nanny. At the time I was a staunch supporter of mums staying at home and not leaving their kids to return to work. Reflecting now, it was my own insecurity about giving up a successful TV career and trying to right-size my decision by judging other mums for theirs. How wrong I was.
“Since returning to work, I’ve learned that having a support network around you is absolutely essential. I honestly don’t know how I’d have done life as a working mum without my tribe. I’m so grateful for my mum and dad, sister and close friend Sam, for how they picked the kids up when I was at work, fed them, and even got them into their pjs when they were little.”
Laura, founder of social enterprise. Mum to three-year-old twins
“I’m a single mum and have just got back from a multiday conference. I had to take my daughters with me as I had no childcare, and I was overwhelmed by how incredibly welcome we were made to feel, and how supportive everyone was. We dipped out of some sessions and headed to a lovely park up the road for a run around to get their ‘wriggles and their giggles out’. But overall I felt fully able to participate, thanks to some strategically-timed naps and the other attendees embracing our chaotic but jolly vibe.
“I would like non-mum colleagues to know that, with a bit of creativity and a supportive community around you, mums don’t have to give up work travel just because they have little ones. Next time, I’m hoping to take my girls to a workshop I’m facilitating in Delhi.”
Jayne, website editor. Mum to a 13-year-old
“I had to leave my previous full-time job to go freelance, because my employer and colleagues just didn’t understand how having an autistic kid impacts so much of your day-to-day life. There are so many appointments, and sometimes his anxiety is so high he can’t make it to school, both of which impact my ability to be in the office.
“I recently went back to full-time employment, and it’s only possible because the work is remote and my new employers are so supportive. They understand that I need to be around for my son and have agreed to let me work summer hours (7am to 3pm) in the holidays so he’s not glued to a screen all day.
“If only remote working had been around more when my son was little, my career may have advanced more. I feel like my current employers are one of the first to realise people have lives outside of work and that it’s essential that the two work in harmony to create happy employees!”
Samantha, author and financial journalist. Mum to a 14-year-old and a 10-year-old
“I would say, never underestimate the effort working parents have made to stay in the workplace. Often it’s because we have to be there for financial reasons, and often we are torn between having to work and looking after children.
“One of the first allies I found in the workplace was the publishing director of the newspaper I was working for. Without question and without any need for embellishment or explanation, he let me work from home one day a week. This was in 2010.
“What worries me at the moment is all this stuff about returning to the office. The only way I can work, and not be totally stressed, is to work from home some days; my lunch hours are spent cleaning and washing. I wish employers would take this seriously, and as for younger or childfree colleagues, I’d ask them to remember that they might need this flexibility in the future, so it would be great if they could be supportive rather than judgmental.”
Rebecca, life coach, trainer and supervisor. Mum to a one-year-old and a six-year-old
“I used to be a teacher, but left the classroom when my eldest was 18 months old. She had just started nursery and caught all the germs going. I had to call in absent at work most of the time, and used up all of my paid leave. I was planning and marking at weekends, which meant I saw my daughter for 30 minutes a day. This had to change.
“I decided to train as a coach. I have a better balance now, but there’s always the pressure of being a working mum. I don’t have many people around me to help with childcare, but my mum helps every now and then. She works full-time, but recently shuffled things around to stay with my kids, so I could go on a business retreat. I knew my kids were well cared for, which meant I could focus.
“My partner is a big support too: he came on a photoshoot with me for a couple of days while I was still breastfeeding my son. I encouraged the photographer to bring her baby too – she was also breastfeeding. It’s great for kids to witness us working and making life work for us in our own way.”
Jane, strategy and operations consultant. Mum to three children, aged seven, six and 11 weeks
“I left a senior corporate role, and started my own business, in a bid to have a more balanced life. I am now doing what I love, but it is a constant juggle. My day starts at 4am, as I have to get everything ready and do some work before being a ‘mum’ for the school run.
“My mum, Emilie, has been my rock, and helped me with all three kids. I remember one all-day conference where I had to run out at every break to breastfeed my son, who my mum was pushing around the grounds in a pram. When one of the delegates told my client about this, they asked if I’d considered that ‘it was time to start bottles’.
“It often feels like employers and colleagues have no real understanding of the pressures working mums are under. I wish they understood that many of us actually do want to work and have adult conversations that do not include anything about feeding, poo or nappies.”
Ruth, founder of a campaign group for single parents. Mum to children aged nine, four and one
“For single mums, it can be especially challenging in the workplace. My experience of life is different from someone in a couple or without a child. I don’t have the freedom to do things outside my core working hours due to a lack of childcare, which can make it hard to attend socials. And when I do, it means I’ve forked out on a babysitter or pulled in a huge favour.
“I’ve joined a few local single mum groups, and over the years they’ve provided great advice and an understanding ear when things get too much. When I moved home last year, heavily pregnant, one solo mum friend came over and immediately began moving the dozens of boxes from my garden just in time to save them from the rain. It was a huge emotional support as well as practical help. People ask: ‘Can I help?’, but even answering that can be hard because as a single parent you’re used to doing it all. Sometimes you just need someone to step up and help where they see a need.”
Nyla, beauty advisor (retail) and front of house (hospitality). Mum to 21-month-old
“I currently have two part-time jobs – one in retail, the other in hospitality. I used to be a national training manager for a beauty retailer; it involved a lot of travelling and flying. It was amazing, lots of fun – but I think it would be tricky to return to that sort of role right now.
“Going back to being on a shop floor was second nature, I knew I could do it on three hours’ sleep and I’d be fine. I feel fortunate for the roles I have at the moment, because it does allow me a lot of flexibility for my family.
“My partner is really supportive and not pushy at all for me to go back to my career. And then my in-laws are fantastic – we live with them, so that’s allowed me the flexibility to only go back part-time. And I have some fantastic bosses as well. One has had children, so she understands, and the other’s been really understanding.”
Zoe, solicitor, and children’s book author. Mum to a 20-month-old
“Clocking off on time isn’t slacking off. My firm is really flexible in this way, but I see the problem so much across my sector. There should not be expectations to work evenings and weekends. This applies to everyone – but for mums it can add to the guilt that you’re letting your kids down by not being around enough, or make you feel like you’re falling behind and letting people down at work.
“I think the same goes when our kids are poorly. None of us want to take time off but the reality is we have to. Again it comes with a lot of guilt, worries that your work is stacking up while you’re off are set against the tug of looking after your poorly little one. Recognising that the onus isn’t just on mums is huge, I think. Thankfully my husband is excellent for this, and will always do his share if our little girl is off.”
Dr Poku, author and award-winning coach for mums. Mum to seven-year-old twins and an 18-month-old
“After giving birth to my twin boys, I suffered from severe postnatal depression. My story isn’t unique. I wish other non-mums knew that being a mum isn’t all happiness and joy. I wish they knew it’s extremely challenging, and even if a mum seems to be coping, she might not be.
“When the twins were small, it was my husband who helped me the most. I could not have handled it without his help and support. My parents and sister travelled from Slovakia as often as they could to help too, which was incredible and literally lifesaving. I could not thank them all enough for everything they did (and still do) for us!
“After having my third son, I began to create a ‘sisterhood’ of local mums to help one another with childcare. We babysit for each other, take each other’s children out etc. There are so many mums who have no friends/family nearby, so having one another can be life-changing, in some cases even lifesaving. It is also one of the first things I do with my clients – helping them start a supporting community in their area if they have no one to help with children.”
MALTESERS® in partnership with Comic Relief, is working towards a future where women no longer face injustice. Together, we’re working to lighten the load for working mums and to help women thrive. Find out how
Mars Wrigley is donating £500,000 in 2023 to Comic Relief, operating name of Charity Projects, registered charity in England & Wales (326568) and Scotland (SC039730)
