Dear Coleen, I’m a 40-year-old woman with one child, aged eight. My divorce came through a couple of months ago and I’m finding myself in a weird place socially.
My social life used to revolve around going out with a group of other couples. Since the split with my husband, I’ve carried on seeing some of the women, but I’m no longer invited on the couples’ nights out, which I guess is fine.
However, one of my good friends in this group admitted recently that her husband isn’t keen on her going out with me for drinks any more, as apparently I’ll “be on the pull”.
I couldn’t believe she was telling me this with a straight face and that she didn’t turn round and tell her husband to get a life!
The truth is, I would like to meet a new partner, but I’m certainly not going out on the pull with my married friends. I feel offended and angry over this but, the truth is I have no idea how to meet someone after being married for 12 years.
Any advice on whether I should tell my friend how I feel about her husband’s remark and how to go about getting my social life back?
Coleen says
I think I’d probably say to your friend that you didn’t realise her hubby was so insecure about her! The bottom line is, if he trusts his wife, it shouldn’t matter who she’s going out with. If you were out at a bar and some guy started chatting to you, all you have to say is: “She’s married, I’m single”. But don’t be angry with her because her husband is being a prat.
I’ve seen this before in friendship groups where the newly single person is suddenly viewed with suspicion. I understand them not inviting you on cosy couples’ nights because it might make you feel uncomfortable and I’m sure you’d probably feel like excess baggage and wouldn’t want to go anyway.
From my own experience post-divorce, you’ll probably find that of the couples you hung out with, you’ll stay mates with two or three of them.
In both my marriages, we had a great group of married friends, but after divorce we kind of drifted off with the people we’d known prior to getting married.
Look, it takes a bit of time after divorce to get back into a groove socially and find out who your true friends are – the ones who stick by you through thick and thin.
And you’ll make new ones. Don’t be afraid to try dating sites – it’s how most people meet partners these days – but also try local clubs and groups with like-minded people. Even if you don’t find romance, you might find new friends to go for a drink with. Good luck.
