PULL THE OTHER ONE
Oh, Barça! This was supposed to be the season when football’s bastion of sanctimony and fiscal eccentricity returned to former glories. Instead, after Wednesday night’s desperate, exhilarating 3-3 draw against Internazionale, they have another first-class ticket to Big Vase in the post. Before February, Barcelona had not slummed it there since 2003-04. Now they are in danger of becoming a Thursday-night staple to rival George Clarke’s Remarkable Renovations and – hic – starting the weekend prematurely.
It would have been worse had Robert Lewandowski not pulled the trusty “Added-time Equaliser” lever against Inter. Without that goal, Barcelona would have been out of Big Cup with two games to spare. As it stands, they have an outside chance of qualification, though in reality Lewandowski’s goal was akin to finding out your firing squad had been held up because of an inordinately long wait-time in Frankie & Benny’s. Their president Joan Laporta gambled the farm by spending around £130m in the summer, pulling a series of financial spindles marked “DO NOT TOUCH”. Our cousin, Spanish Fiver, reckons Barça had budgeted to reach the quarter-finals of this year’s Big Cup. The Fiver isn’t the best when it comes to understanding or dealing with money – why else do you think we’ve been sleeping on Weird Uncle Fiver’s sofa since 2006 – but even we can discern that this is not good news.
It doesn’t help that Barcelona are still paying off transfer fees for players they have long since discarded, including Philippe Coutinho, Miralem Pjanic, Emmanuel Petit, Alex Song, Geovanni, Giovanni, Diego Maradona, Johan Cruyff and Steve Archibald. The upshot is that Europe’s finest are looking for some bargains and are circling Barcelona’s gated section of the moral high ground, where Xavi was last seen swigging from a bottle of Good Times, a divisive 64.2% ABV aperitif, while watching a video of the 2011 Big Cup final.
The Camp Nou draw was the highlight of a spectacular night of action. Liverpool won 7-1 at Rangers, prompting an ongoing, impassioned and almost entirely infantile debate about whether they are BACK. Despite a noble effort, including a Harry Kane penalty that was last spotted in the airspace above the Galapagos Islands, Spurs were unable to blow a 3-1 lead against 10-man Eintracht Frankfurt. Club Brugge, Bayern Munich and Napoli all qualified for the last 16, with the latter – who beat Ajax 4-2 – again inspired by Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, a player so joyfully creative that GPs have started prescribing Partenopei videos to treat existential ennui. Come the summer, Kvaratskhelia, 21, is likely to be coveted by all Europe’s big clubs. Well, all bar one. Please, Joan, don’t touch that lever.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I couldn’t see the incident clearly. The two players, Shilton and Maradona, were facing me from behind. As per Fifa’s instructions issued before the tournament, I looked to my linesman for confirmation of the validity of the goal – he made his way back to the halfway line indicating he was satisfied that the goal should stand” – Ali Bin Nasser, the referee who awarded Diego Maradona’s ‘Hand of God’ goal for Argentina against England at the 1986 World Cup, is cashing in on his incompetence to the tune of an estimated £3m, with the ball heading for auction next month. A lesson for us all, right there.
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FIVER LETTERS
“The Knowledge article regarding stadium distances from railway stations (yesterday’s Still Want More?) reminded me of an away trip to watch Liverpool play Newcastle in the 1971-72 season (‘Supermac’ scored a hat-trick and we lost 3-2). I was with my wife-to-be and a friend. We bought cheap-day return tickets, changing at Leeds. The last train home was leaving Newcastle before the game finished, but minor problems of that nature are inconsequential when you are young and carefree. Not bothering with the protocol of purchasing tickets, we caught one to Carlisle later that evening with the vague hope that there would be a connectiom to Liverpool. Fortunately, there was, with enough time for a refreshing ale in a nearby pub. It was just after closing time when the train left. Being somewhat tired and emotional, we fell asleep. We were woken some time later as it was pulling out of Preston, with a voice over the Tannoy announcing the front cars were going to Manchester and the rear cars to Liverpool. I think you can guess which car we were in. We duly arrived in Manchester at about 4am, where we waited for the ‘milk train’ to Liverpool. It stopped at every station, dropping off the Sunday papers and presumably the milk. We eventually arrived home at 10am. The story of the nuns saving me from being caught bunking the train after a Spurs game can wait for another day” – John Milce.
“Hugely disappointed that, after 24 hours of bleating reportage about the PSG maestro’s woes, neither The Fiver nor its (less) tawdry competitors have alighted on the bleeding obvious headline of ‘Unhappé Mbappé’. Come on Fiver, where’s the imagination? I mean, it’s not like you spend your day drinking Tin and just throwing together ill-considered, banal nonsense at the last minute” – John McNeil.
“When will commentators learn that saying ‘the all-important first goal’ is often a hostage to fortune? Darren Fletcher uttered this nonsense on BT Sport when Scott Arfield scored to put Rangers ahead against Liverpool, who then scored seven without reply” – Deryck Hall.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … John Milce.
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