I have always given foot massages to my wife, and she has enjoyed them. But since I admitted to having a foot fetish, things have changed. She used to proffer them to me and I would massage them. It feels as if the moment I admitted I got pleasure from it, she saw it as a zero-sum game and withdrew. This wouldn’t matter if she was open and honest, but it’s as if she has put up a wall. Massaging her feet felt like a way to connect. This fetish won’t go away and I don’t want it to. I will indulge it on my own because I am bored with sex always being on her terms. I’m bored with everything seemingly being on her terms.
Ingrained fetishes can rarely be ignored or banished. Without an understanding or supportive partner, you will continue to be miserable and frustrated. But sometimes a partner’s avoidance or withdrawal is based on lack of information, or a fear they are not wholly appreciated. Your wife may even feel uncomfortable and confused about her own role in previously acting out your erotic interest in feet. Try to talk frankly and kindly with her and find ways to help her understand your needs, while also making her feel loved and appreciated. She has her own needs, so ask what you can do to give her pleasure. Longevity between couples with different sexual interests is often based on the ability to negotiate parity in pleasure so that neither feels resentful.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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