Maybe the Kansas City Chiefs ought to schedule their playoff games closer to the Fourth of July.
For the second time in three seasons, K.C. was in need of a fireworks stand as its pyrotechnics crew ran out of celebratory fireworks when the team scored six touchdowns in a 42-21 playoff win over the Steelers. They did likewise in a 51-31 demolition of the Texans after the 2019 season.
So dial up a few less explosive plays, please.
Headlines
— At TheOnion.com: “NFL expands Super Bowl to include 2 additional teams.”
— At Fark.com: “Seahawks uninstall Norton.”
Reboot the umpire
Robot umpires — or ABS, the Automated Ball and Strike System — will be used in Triple-A games this season, Major League Baseball announced.
So now players will be subjected to a whole different kind of annoying robocalls.
No penalty on the play
Cowboys QB Dak Prescott was fined $25,000 for praising fans who threw debris at officials after his team’s playoff loss last Sunday.
But he somehow escaped a 15-yard penalty for piling on.
Fashion show
The 40th International Camel Wrestling Festival was staged in Selcuk, Turkey, earlier this month.
Which begs the question: Just how do you coerce a camel into wearing a singlet?
Anticipation mounts
The Washington Football Team is revealing its new name on Groundhog Day.
Maybe they’re trying to limit themselves to only six more weeks of bad football.
Somebody’s perfect
Just think of him as Don Larsen in a helmet.
QB Josh Allen and the Bills pitched the first perfect offensive game in NFL history — all touchdowns and no field goals, punts or turnovers — in their 47-17 playoff romp over the Patriots.
Let’s not be Frank
The NFL fined Buccaneers coach Bruce Arians $50,000 for slapping one of his players on the helmet last Sunday.
Somewhere, Frank Kush is saying, “You can get fined for that?”
Wink, Wink
In a move that shocked the industry, Wink Martindale is out as:
a) defensive coordinator of the Baltimore Ravens (2022)
b) host of Tic-Tac-Dough (1985)
You’re … out
Baseball’s eight-owner executive council has rejected the Rays’ bid to divide their home games between Tampa and Montreal.
No word on whether it was a split decision.
Talking the talk
— Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, via Twitter, after the 49ers ripped off 75 quick yards on seven plays for a TD on their opening drive against the Cowboys: “That was a cattle drive on steroids.”
— Nick Canepa of The San Diego Union-Tribune, on the Broncos firing their coach: “Vic Fangio’s problem was that John Elway couldn’t find a quarterback at a family reunion.”
Cold, then hot
Golden State ought to host a commemorative Yo-Yo Night.
The Warriors made history this month, trailing the Bucks by 39 at halftime and then leading the Bulls by 31 at the half just 24 hours later — a 70-point swing.
Quote, end quote
— RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on the Bills calling timeout before a field-goal attempt by the Pats’ Nick Folk in their wild-card playoff game: “It was minus-6 degrees with wind chill — do you really need to ice the kicker?”
— Comedy writer Brad Dickson, after Nebraska football coach Scott Frost tested positive for COVID-19: “He’s supposed to quarantine for five days, but due to his poor clock management skills will probably be out and about in three days.”
— Collin Harmon of Phoenix’s KNXV-TV, via Twitter, on the Cowboys’ questionable ending: “Mike McCarthy is kicking FGs down by 16 and calling QB sneaks without timeouts and hardly any time left. And people wonder why Aaron Rodgers only has one Super Bowl.”
I can top that
The Giants’ Daniel Jones runs a quarterback sneak on third-and-nine in the second quarter?
Cowboys QB Dak Prescott, down six with 14 seconds left in a playoff game: Hold my beer.
Quote marks
— Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, via Twitter, after Browns QB Baker Mayfield announced his shoulder surgery was a success: “He should be back to pitching products in a couple months.”
— Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, unable to resist after NBC revealed its broadcasters will call the Winter Olympics from a studio in Connecticut instead of Beijing because of COVID-19: “Will the color commentary be only remotely interesting?”
— Former Auburn basketball coach Sonny Smith: “I told Charles (Barkley) that he made me what I am today. He said, ‘What is that?’ I said out of coaching.”
