You sure the umps are checking pitchers’ hands for sticky stuff?
Because two batted balls defied the laws of physics and didn’t bounce last week:
— A ball hit by the Columbus Clippers’ Ernie Clement went straight down and stuck in the dirt a foot in front of home plate.
— And a line drive by the Buffalo Bisons’ Gabriel Moreno punctured the padding of the left-field wall and stuck there.
Headlines
— At Fark.com: “Ole Miss found their punter at a frat party. No word on if that guy was kicking the keg to win that roster spot.”
— At TheOnion.com: “Man feeling ancient after realizing he’s older than everyone in Little League World Series.”
Staying home
The Trail Blazers will not send their TV or radio broadcasters on road trips, instead having them announce games from home.
There you have it — the NBA season’s first non-traveling call.
Madden, Madden world
Cardinals tight end Zach Ertz named his newborn son Madden — born eight days before the newest version of the popular video game was released.
No truth to the rumor his middle name is “23.”
Need an intervention?
If you’re complaining about your team’s first-week showing in a preseason fantasy football league … you might have a gambling problem.
He’ll get time now
A thief stole the $70,000 watch of FC Barcelona’s Robert Lewandowski but was apprehended a short distance away.
As for the perp, there goes his clean rap sheet.
New college try
With NIL deals in place, shouldn’t the NCAA replace the term “student-athlete” with “athlete-entrepreneur?”
Who’s your caddie?
One of the U.S. Amateur‘s threesome featured Mark Costanza, Hazen Newman and Campbell Kremer.
Only thing better would be Jerry Seinfeld on their bags.
Peaking early
The Ravens ran their preseason win streak to 21 with a 23-10 win over the Titans.
Can’t wait for the team to announce its “Mr. August” award.
Phone tagged
Rodolfo Castro has been fined and suspended for one game for playing with a cellphone in his back pocket.
Baseball traditionalists applauded it, while proponents cried “bad call!”
Talking the talk
— Tim Hunter of Everett’s KRKO Radio, on thousands of cases of Wild Cherry Capri Sun being voluntarily recalled: “Question: If there are no Capri Suns, do we have to cancel soccer season?”
— Comedy writer Paul Lander, after Nebraska football coach Scott Frost claimed his offensive lineman vomit 15-20 times per practice: “No word how often the QB hurls.”
— Sam Farmer of the L.A. Times, via Twitter, on the significance of Aug. 16: “Elvis, Aretha and Babe Ruth died on this day. A king, a queen and a sultan.”
Legging it out
If Seahawks punter Michael Dickson, who has punted 15 times for a 47.5-yard average in the first two preseason games, keeps up that pace for the regular season, he’d kick footballs a total of 6,060 yards.
Or 3.4 miles.
Quote marks
— David Whitley of the Gainesville (Fla.) Sun, on the Pirates’ Rodolfo Castro having his cellphone fly out of his back pocket while sliding into third: “It was the most embarrassing MLB moment since a 24-ounce vial of Dianabol and six syringes fell out Barry Bonds’ pocket as he beat out an infield single in 2002.”
— Mike Bianchi of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel, on Florida’s new $85 million, 140,000-square-foot football facility: “I’m not saying (it) is plush and palatial, but LIV Golf just offered the Gators $200 million to buy it.”
— Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, after 38-year-old Packers QB Aaron Rodgers ripped the team’s young receivers for dropped passes and bad route-running: “How long until he screams at them to get off his lawn?”
— Dave Fabrizi, via Facebook, on MLB’s playoff schedule ending with a possible Game 7 of the World Series on Nov. 5: “If they happen to have a rainout, the game might be shown at halftime of the Bills-Jets game on Nov. 6. I can hardly wait.”
Letting Steve cook
Spurrier’s Gridiron Grille, ex-Florida football coach Steve Spurrier’s year-old restaurant in Gainesville, is already ranked as the fifth-busiest in the state.
With 311,696 dinners served, 128,962 cocktails sold, 38,644 bottles of wine uncorked and 57,788 beers poured, passing the food and drink is not a problem.
Quote, end quote
— Curtis Rogers of ROOT Sports, via Twitter, after the Angels’ Keystone Kops defensive performance in the ninth inning against the Mariners: “Haven’t seen a breakdown in Anaheim like that since nearly everyday on Space Mountain.”
— Red Sox broadcaster Dennis Eckersley, on the Pirates’ low-budget roster: “You talk about a no-name lineup … This is a hodgepodge of nothingness.”
— RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on Gisele Bündchen, wife of Bucs QB Tom Brady, gracing the front of British Vogue: “Even Brady can’t beat that coverage.”
