Remember the Alamo — but you can add IUPUI, for good measure.
Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis entered last week’s Horizon League men’s basketball tournament with just five players, a 3-25 record and as 23 1/2-point underdogs. The outnumbered Jaguars fought valiantly but lost, 69-58, to Oakland.
On the plus side, in true Alamo tradition, at least they covered the spread.
Headlines
— From The New Yorker’s Borowitz Report: “Manufacturers of performance-enhancing drugs impose sanctions on Russia.”
— At TheOnion.com: “MLB owners propose CBA that offers players college credit in lieu of salary.”
This guy’s funny
“The concern about our fans is at the very top of our consideration list,” said MLB commissioner Rob Manfred.
Hey, if this baseball thing doesn’t pan out, he’s got a good start on stand-up comedy.
To the penalty box
The wife of a Connecticut high-school girls hockey coach was arrested after she allegedly assaulted a student from a rival school during a game, WTNH-TV reported.
Forget two minutes for roughing — what’s the penalty for third-degree assault?
Saving face
Definition of a moral dilemma: You’re an anti-masker AND a major league catcher.
Real fake news
World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc., pulled the plug on the WWE Network in Russia, ending its partnership with Russian broadcaster Match TV
Nikolai Volkoff, in his grave, must be doing 200 RPMs.
Take a chance on me
Seattle’s Roosevelt High School is staging the ABBA musical “Mamma Mia!” with help from 10 members of the football team, who answered the call after not enough boys tried out for the show.
Just call it the second Music City Miracle.
Own-goal times 3
New Zealand’s Meikayla Moore got a reverse hat trick of sorts — three own goals — in a 5-0 loss to the United States on Feb. 20.
If nothing else, she’s a shoo-in to win this year’s Plaxico Burress Award.
Getting his kicks at 14
Midfielder Maximo Carrizo made MLS history when he signed a contract with New York City FC on his 14th birthday.
And to think, the typical 14-year-old thinks they’re the cat’s meow when they level up in Elden Ring.
Job rush is on
America added 678,000 jobs in February, smashing forecasts.
“Save some quarterbacks for April,” said the Carolina Panthers.
It’s not cheap now
That’s the ticket, if you like profit margins.
An unused ticket for Michael Jordan’s NBA debut on Oct. 26, 1984 — purchase price: $8.50 — just sold at auction for $468,000.
Happy day
March 20 is the International Day of Happiness.
At least we can hope the baseball negotiations are over by then.
Combine overkill
A word of caution over the kerfuffle over Kenny Pickett’s hand measuring just 8 1/2 inches — or smaller than any current NFL quarterback: Joe Burrow, whose hand checked in at 9 inches two years ago, was led to tweet “considering retirement after I was informed the football will be slipping out of my tiny hands.”
Burrow went No. 1 in the draft and started in Super Bowl LVI last month.
Sneaky Fastball Dept.
Baseball owners attempted to “sneak things” into their offer during one 16 1/2-hour negotiation session, Blue Jays union rep Ross Stripling claimed.
It’s MLB’s first and only high cheese reported this season.
Subsequent engagement
Just-retired Bucs guard Ali Marpet proposed to Maeghan Kane, less than two months after his team lost its bid for back-to-back Super Bowl titles.
So he’ll get a ring this year after all.
Hold that line
The University’s of Minnesota’s Daniel Faalele checked in at the NFL scouting combine at 6-foot-8 and 384 pounds, making him the biggest prospect there since at least 2003.
He’s projected to play right tackle — or even guard and tackle at once.
Talking the talk
— Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on tough decisions looming when it comes to filling out March Madness brackets: “Which for many casual basketball fans (is) their favorite colors or mascots.”
— Liberty University’s Malik Willis, on whether he should be the first QB taken in the NFL draft: “I don’t make those decisions. … I hate that for me.”
— ESPN’s Bill Walton, to The Oregonian, on positive influences in his life: “My wife, Lori, is always right, 30-plus years of marriage. She’s always right. Like John Wooden. He was right. I just didn’t know it.”
It’s a stretch
Something to sing along to while MLB’s labor mess drags on, from Tim Hunter of Everett’s KRKO Radio:
Take me out to the ballgame.
Wait, so where is the crowd?
No one with peanuts or Crackerjack.
Will … the ballplayers ever come back?
So, it’s poop, poop, poop, there’s a strike on
If they don’t return it’s a shame.
For it’s one too-really-long strike
At the old ballgame!
Quote marks
— Bob Molinaro in the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot: “Lent is the season for giving up things. Or possibly in the case of the Lakers, just giving up.”
— RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on the top six college basketball teams all losing last Saturday: “A six-pack hasn’t fallen so dramatically since I tried carrying a case of beer on my bicycle.”
— Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on why the NFL’s COVID protocols weren’t necessary for Jets wide receivers: “They can’t catch anything.”
