These big ones didn’t get away.
Two men were caught cheating — moments after being declared the winners of the Lake Erie Walleye Trail walleye fishing derby in Ohio — after tournament director Jason Fischer cut the “winning” fish open and discovered 10 lead weights stuffed inside.
Jacob Runyan and Chase Cominsky were about to bag nearly $30,000 in prize money, but they did catch one thing: The attention of the Cuyahoga County Prosecutor’s Office.
Headlines
— At TheOnion.com: “Roger Maris Jr. sets single-season record for most annoying son of famous player.”
— At TheNeedling.com: “Fremont troll clarifies Kraken mascot only related by marriage.”
Here — take it
The Mariners finally shed their mantle as The Team with the Longest Playoff Drought in North American Pro Sports.
Yo, Sacramento Kings: That hot potato is all yours now. Hug it with pride.
Check the fine print
Regret? That would be the Broncos not opting for the extended warranty on Russell Wilson.
Beyond 5 yards
Ex-Seahawk Bobby Wagner flattened a flare-carrying fan who ran across the field in front of the Rams’ bench Monday night.
“Hey, Siri, what’s the penalty for encroachment?”
Numbers game
Statisticians’ dilemma at the 49ers-Rams game: Credit Bobby Wagner with 10 tackles, or 11?
Withholding judgment
Munetaka Murakami of Tokyo’s Yakult Swallows hit his 56th home run, breaking the Nippon Professional Baseball season record for a Japanese-born player, set in 1964 by Sadaharu Oh.
ESPN somehow resisted the urge to cut into its regularly scheduled cut-in of Aaron Judge to show it.
Lots of stitches
Twins pitcher Simeon Woods Richardson made major league history by having the longest last name on the back of his jersey, supplanting ex-catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia.
The team seamstress is now on the 10-day injured list with RSI.
Talking the talk
— Mike Bianchi of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel: “This just in: The Miami Dolphins’ team doctors have just cleared Jonathan Isaac, Markelle Fultz, Dillon Gabriel, Kurt Busch, Greg Oden, Grant Hill and Joe Theismann to play this weekend.”
— Field Yates of ESPN, via Twitter: “And the first rookie QB to throw a touchdown pass in the 2022 NFL season: Bailey Zappe. Just as we all suspected.”
— Tim Hunter of Everett’s KRKO Radio, on “Fat Bear Week” in Alaska, when bears gorge on salmon to fill their bellies before hibernation: “So a word to the wise: If you’re going to Alaska this week, don’t dress like a salmon.”
Clarification
A couple of weeks ago, we ran an item noting that Babe Ruth was not named American League MVP in 1927, the year he hit a then-record 60 home runs.
As Seattle Times reader Mike Creeden of Mukilteo pointed out, the AL (until 1931) had a no-repeat rule for MVPs and the Babe had already won it, in 1923.
Fan down
— Eagles center Jason Kelce, via Twitter, on the fan who ran onto the field with a pink smoke bomb on MNF: “These gender reveals sure are getting outa hand.”
— Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on the MNF interloper filing a police report against Bobby Wagner: “Uh, so maybe the guy’s defense against a trespass charge is insanity?”
— Wagner, to reporters, after decking the interloper: “Saw security was having a little problem, so I helped them out.”
— Peyton Manning, on “The Manning Cast,” with advice for tackling a streaker: “If he’s totally naked … you don’t wrap up.”
Twitter patter
U.S. Senate candidate John Fetterman of Pennsylvania, via Twitter, on his football career at Albright College:
“Coach used to say: Fetterman, you have deceptive speed.
“Me: Really???
“Coach: You’re slower than you look.”
Quote marks
— Nick Canepa of The San Diego Union-Tribune, on Bucs QB Tom Brady smashing tantrum: “Brady broke two tablets vs. the Saints, tying the cherished 3,500-year-old world record set by Moses.”
— ESPN broadcaster Mark Jones, after TCU took a 54-17 lead against No. 18 Oklahoma: “TCU is running through Oklahoma like a stimulus check right now.”
— Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, on the Washington Commanders’ three-game losing streak: “This team needs a win more than the Donner Party needed to download the Uber Eats App.”
— Kevin Clark of TheRinger.com, via Twitter, watching the Broncos-Colts trade field goals, sacks and turnovers Thursday night: “Look, I’ll say it: I could use some Aaron Judge cut-ins now.”
