My husband and I have been married for 20 years, but our sex life has hardly ever been fulfilling for me. After a lot of analysing and some therapy, I have realised I think this is because I only enjoy sex when I feel cared for. Small acts of love, such as an unexpected hug or him saying something flattering, really turn me on; I enjoy sex a lot on the days this has happened. But he does not show his love in this way as often as I would like. I have told him this is what I need, but he says we need to have sex more often for him to be able to behave lovingly towards me. I am sad and angry that he will not consider these little acts of love, so I no longer “give in” to sex when I know I won’t enjoy it, as I used to. I would like to have more sex, but I just don’t enjoy sex with my husband when it feels loveless.
I once saw a cartoon that spoke the truth about a common difference in the way many men and women feel about lovemaking. It depicted two opposing groups of protesters. The placards of an all-female faction read: “NO LOVE NO SEX!” while those of the all-male faction read “NO SEX NO LOVE!” These sentiments frequently underlie conflicts that arise within certain relationships. While this is certainly not true for all men and women, simply understanding it as a common gender-based tendency may help you and your husband to come to terms with it and join forces in finding a way to break this impasse. Sometimes couples use sex as a weapon in a power struggle that is really more about seeking control within their relationship. Discuss this calmly, ask his opinion, listen to each other … and be cooperative partners in trying to work it out.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
