Sex on television is no longer confined to late nights or the higher numbers of your on-screen TV guide. Recently, Amanda Holden has offered up “A Bonkers History” of sex; Sex Education returns to Netflix for one final rub of the sex-genie’s lamp; and on Channel 4, you may have been watching a group of liberated types getting together en masse in a lovely country mansion in The Great Sex Experiment. Shoving its way into this crowded bed is Sex Rated, in which people rate their own sexual abilities, before their exes come along to agree or disagree.
It’s hosted by Rylan, very much not in his Radio 2 show mode, and “Shagony Aunt” Ruby Rare, a sex educator who adds a touch of common sense to proceedings. A contestant, or participant, fills in a lengthy sex survey, then sits on the sofa with Rylan to discuss their own likes, preferences and skills. Next, two or three of their exes drop by, and reveal how they have rated that person in the same departments. You might think you’re a 10 at oral sex, but imagine the horror if your former partner declares on national television that you are a mere five.
But there is no horror, no ritual humiliation, unless, of course, that is a high scorer on your survey and you’re into it. What’s really rather sweet about Sex Rated is how frank and optimistic it aims to be. This show is all about learning, Rylan and Rare insist, and they want everyone to walk away feeling good about themselves. If that involves turning that five into a 10 via a quick lesson on a penis-shaped lollipop then, well, we’re all adults here, so why not?
It does feel a little like one of those shows where the name came first, and the concept added gradually, in steady drips. Oddly, it takes place in front of a live studio audience, who are sitting around as if it’s The Great British Bake Off: An Extra Slice. They laugh, they gasp, they applaud when someone’s ex gives them 10/10 for foreplay. In fact, the whole thing looks so much like your run-of-the-mill celebrity chatshow – a bit Graham Norton, a bit Alan Carr – that I almost forget what the focus is meant to be. They are all having such a lovely chat about how they met and how well they get along now, that it isn’t until someone says, “The best thing about him is his dick,” that I remember this isn’t just The One Show, late-night edition, even if it sometimes comes across as This Is Your (Sex) Life.
Based on this first episode, I suspect there will be two approaches to the survey. The first person here is Alexandros, 28, a musician who marks himself down in some categories, apparently so he seems humble and his exes can mark him up. In fact, he seems fairly certain that these women will have appreciated his skill in one particular area. Surreally, one of Alexandros’s exes appears with a metallic rodent’s head on and her voice disguised, and is referred to only as Anonymouse, “for career reasons”. This is fair enough, though it does threaten briefly to turn this into the Masked Shagger.
The second survey-taker is Gideon, 24, a “sales rep and part-time witch”. He basically gives himself 10 for everything, which means the only way is down. If Alexandros is faux-modest, Gideon is faux-confident, though one ex seems more of a frenemy than someone you would want to rate you on your technique. In a sign that I am perhaps not quite the target audience, an anecdote about sex in a greenhouse, during which the carrots went everywhere, left me wondering why the carrots were in the greenhouse when carrots are better kept cool? Thankfully, Rare is on hand to be educational, advising everyone not to put anything anywhere that might suck it up, unless it has a firm base.
The show is buoyed up by Rylan’s warmth and spirit. “‘Ere you go, darlin!” he trills, as he hands over a penis lollipop. “Y’all right, Mouse?” he says, greeting the woman who looks like she’s in a rodent Daft Punk tribute act. Sex Rated operates on a similar level to Naked Attraction, which is all about being open, upbeat and positive about something as universal as bodies and sex. It’s sort of silly, mostly charming, and so daft that it’s actually quite fun.
Sex Rated was shown on E4 and is now available on Channel 4.
