Rob, 34
I’ve resisted the idea of fooling around – I feared the subtext was that I wasn’t enough
If we hadn’t moved to Los Angeles, Mikey and I would never have started experimenting with non-monogamy. We bought a house in Echo Park last year and started socialising with a group of queer couples who see open relationships as a necessary form of self-care. I’m from New York, where in the gay scene non-monogamy still has a reputation for being a little chaotic, but in LA it’s completely different. It is perfectly normal for a woman to sit right next to her wife and tell a story about an encounter she had with another woman the night before. Dinner parties here often feel like group therapy sessions. Couples talk openly about who they would like to have sex with next, and what the emotional implications might be.
After about two months of dinner parties, Mikey and I created a joint dating profile and started browsing guys together online. I’m surprised at myself, because I used to be hyper-monogamous. As a gay kid, I dreamed of having a husband, because it seemed like the ultimate affirmation. I had internalised the idea that there was something wrong with me, so I fantasised about a romantic partner who, by choosing only me, would prove that I was “right”. I told Mikey I loved him within four weeks of setting eyes on him, and immediately started dropping hints that I was ready to say “I do”.
I’ve always known Mikey would be up for fooling around with another guy together, but for the last nine years of our relationship, I’ve resisted the idea. I feared the subtext was that I wasn’t enough. But our new friends in LA have made me see things differently. They talk about non-monogamy as a relationship hack – something you do for the good of your marriage, rather than simply to please yourself. Couples often go on romantic mini-breaks without their kids and have a pre-planned threesome as a way of reconnecting.
Recently, for my birthday, Mikey and I went to a spa together and had a flirtation with another guy in the steam room. He was muscular and very handsome, and I felt a little thrill when I noticed him checking me out. Mikey and I had a whispered discussion and decided to go for it. We all ended up in a bathroom stall together, kissing and touching.
The next day we organised a dinner with our LA friends and told them all about it. Everyone congratulated us – the spa day was treated like a relationship milestone. One woman said, “How incredible that your spiritual connection has facilitated the capacity to move beyond your own bodies and limitations.” The therapised language made me roll my eyes a bit, but I have to admit, I agree with her. I’ve felt lighter since my birthday; closer to Mikey and more secure.
Mikey, 35
It was wonderful seeing Rob glowing in the knowledge that he is irresistible
Rob and I are planning a family, and we hope to have a baby next year. We are having a few sexual escapades before parenting becomes our top priority. I see what we are doing as a shared adventure. We might even continue exploring after we become parents – lots of our friends in LA have kids and seem to manage it. Perhaps once a year we will leave our baby with Granny, go on a mini-break and have a little romp.
When I first met Rob, I was a bit of a party boy. I liked flirting and getting drunk, which naturally became a point of conflict between us. I think part of the reason why Rob craved a more conventional marriage is that he fears that messy, uncontrolled part of me. Rightfully so. But observing our friends in LA has made us realise that you can practise non-monogamy in a very orderly, intentional way. Everyone drives here, so there’s not the same drinking culture as there is in New York. The couples we know are a few years older than us. They’re not randomly hooking up with people on a drunken night out. They’re hiring a babysitter then going on a date with someone who has been vetted in advance, after drinking perhaps one glass of natural wine.
Callout
Our experience at the spa was spontaneous, but it also felt very safe. Spa culture is huge in LA. On “men only” days, sexual activities happen – but it feels strangely wholesome, like an extension of the wellness experience. I noticed this gorgeous guy eyeing Rob up, and encouraged him to go for it. I knew Rob wasn’t feeling great in his body at the time, and it was wonderful seeing him glowing in the knowledge that he is irresistible. I found the moment we all had in the bathroom stall extremely erotic, but I also enjoyed it in a way that wasn’t straightforwardly sexual: I was happy for my partner, pleased to see him feeling so confident.
We have one rule: neither of us is allowed to go out and have sex alone. It’s fun having a new group of LA friends whom we can apply to for wisdom. Rob had a lot of questions for the group about what to do if one of you develops love feelings for a hookup, but I never worry about that. I think it’s actually pretty difficult to fall in love with someone. Love started for me with Rob – and I don’t think it will happen to me more than once.
