Seth Meyers
Late-night hosts continued to break down Republicans’ impeachment inquiry into Joe Biden, which has two major problems, according to Seth Meyers: “One, they don’t have any evidence. And two, they can’t even say what the crime is.
“I’m no lawyer,” the Late Night host continued, “but I’ve watched a lot of CSI and I’ve never seen an episode where David Caruso says, ‘You’re under arrest … for nothing.’”
Even under friendly questioning, Republicans couldn’t come up with an answer. Meyers pointed to Representative James Comer, chair of the House oversight committee, who appeared on Fox News and said the crime was “exchanging policy for money”. But asked which policy by host Steve Doocy, Comer could only offer “well, we’re going to get into that.”
“Are you? What are you waiting for?” Meyers wondered. “Are you trying to keep us in suspense? These guys all sound like old-time radio announcers at the end of a 1940s detective show.
“You know your case is weak when Steve Doocy backs you into a corner,” he added. “That’s like losing a rap battle with Ned Flanders.
“So Republicans can’t say what crime they’re supposedly investigating, and they also can’t say what evidence they have,” he continued. “Again, that’s not me saying that.” That’s other Republicans, including Senator Chuck Grassley, Representative Ken Buck, and Representative Michael McCall, who said: “We don’t have the evidence now, but we may find it later.”
“That’s not how it works!” Meyers retorted. “You find the evidence first, and then you move forward with impeachment. You’re doing it backwards! Did you guys accidentally read the constitution upside down?”
Stephen Colbert
On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert took aim at the South Carolina congressman Ralph Norman, who insisted to Congress that “the evidence, I think, as things come out will finally show what the trail is.”
Colbert mocked his logic: “Once we show what the trail is, it will lead us to a series of breadcrumbs and the breadcrumbs, that will direct us right to a hint, and then the hint will suggest a map, which will finally bring us to a riddle inside a conundrum, and smothered in an enigma sauce.”
Norman also insisted: “You cannot just say you’re innocent and not have to prove it.”
“Yes! Yes, you literally can!” Colbert exclaimed. “That is important, it’s called innocent until proven guilty. This guy doesn’t understand the law at all.”
And in other congressional news, House Republicans used precious remaining time to pass a bill allowing whole milk to be served in schools. On the House floor, Representative Virginia Foxx argued the nutrients in whole milk “provided the fuel that Santa needs to travel the whole globe in one night. Protein helps build and repair Santa’s muscles … it’s not just the magic of the season that helps Santa deliver presents worldwide, it’s also the fortifying nutrients of whole milk.”
“Nobody tell her, she doesn’t know,” Colbert reacted. “Um, yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.”
Jimmy Kimmel
And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel spent his final monologue of 2023 mocking Donald Trump’s campaign appearances. At an event in Coralville, Iowa, Trump tried to issue a stark warning about what would happen to the US economy if Biden served another term: “We’ll have a depression the likes of which I don’t think anybody has ever seen.”
Three hours earlier, the Dow Jones Industrial Average set a record high. “When it went above 30,000 in 2020 when he was president, he was patting himself on the back like a monkey eating bugs off his shoulder blades,” Kimmel noted. “Now we’re headed toward a depression.
“That’s our Trump – if it’s hot he says it’s cold, if it’s black he says it’s white, if it’s a funeral he sings Happy Birthday,” he added.
Trump asked his supporters to name one thing that has gotten better under Biden. “I don’t know, I can think of a lot, but I think maybe number one is we’re drinking less bleach?” Kimmel mused.
