Seth Meyers
Late-night hosts relished several details from the House ethics report on the disgraced congressman George Santos, which found that he misspent campaign funds on Botox, lavish trips to Atlantic City, designer goods and “smaller purchases” on OnlyFans, among other things.
“It’s quite a list – Botox, Atlantic City, OnlyFans and designer goods. Is he a congressman or a lesser Kardashian?” Seth Meyers wondered on Thursday’s Late Night. “He’s got the shopping list of a 98-year-old oil tycoon’s 20-year-old wife.”
The report has led even Santos’s few remaining Republican supporters to desert him. “He alienated his only fans by spending money on OnlyFans,” Meyers quipped.
The host also found it funny that any reporter would describe the report as “shocking”, as many tried. “It’s damning and brazen. Is it shocking? He pretended he was a star volleyball player for Baruch College, and wore a stolen scarf to a Stop the Steal rally. Anything you do or say after that is no longer shocking,” he said.
In other news, a judge in New York threatened Donald Trump with jail time for disparaging the court in defiance of a gag order, “so Trump thought it would be a good idea to file a motion for a mistrial in which he badmouthed the court staff”, Meyers laughed. “That’s like telling your wife, ‘I couldn’t have had an affair with your sister, I was busy having an affair with your mom!’
“How does Trump keep finding these crackpot lawyers who are willing to file all these ridiculous motions for him?” he wondered. “I’m starting to think our law schools are a little too loose when it comes to handing out degrees.”
Stephen Colbert
“If there are any fans of stupidity and corruption out there, you have joined us on the right night,” said Stephen Colbert on The Late Show, hours after the House ethics report on Santos revealed that the disgraced New York congressman “sought to fraudulently exploit every aspect of his House candidacy for his own personal financial profit” and “brought severe discredit upon the House”.
“That is not easy to do,” said Colbert. “Because these days, the dignity of the House is slightly below a Golden Corral that just ran out of steak.”
The report was “loaded with horrible, inexcusable, totally juicy details”, Colbert noted, including that fact that Santos spent campaign finances on designer goods and Botox.
In response to the report, Santos said he had “no concerns” or “any premeditated feelings on this”.
“No premeditated feelings, exactly what a sociopath wouldn’t say,” Colbert laughed – “‘Today we bid farewell to grandma, and let me just say to all of you I have not had a chance to Google the correct emotional reaction, but rest assured, like all of you, I am … angry? It’s hard to tell because of all the Botox.’”
Santos announced that he will not seek re-election for a second term. “I know, I’m so happy too,” Colbert said to cheers. “Thank God I won’t have endless content for my show any more.”
Jimmy Kimmel
And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel responded to an angry letter from Donald Trump’s Media and Technology Group, which demanded an apology and retraction of Kimmel’s jokes earlier in the week about Truth Social losing $73m.
The letter calls the figure “defamatory” and cites an SEC filing from June 2023 stating that the company actually lost $31.6m since its launch. “In other words, in fairness, Truth Social isn’t a colossal failure. It’s only an abysmal failure,” Kimmel said. “And I would like to do the right thing and congratulate our balloon animal former president and his company on only losing $31.6 million. For you, that’s pretty good! That’s one of your best performances yet.
“Demanding a retraction for reporting on the value of his company incorrectly is pretty darn hilarious considering the fact that he is on trial right now for reporting the value of his company incorrectly,” he added. “Maybe he should sue himself.
“From the bottom of my heart, I want to say: Donald Trump and everyone at TMTG, I’m deeply sorry you’re so bad at running companies, I guess,” he joked.
