Late-night hosts talked use of force against college protesters and Donald Trump’s apparent struggle to stay awake during his criminal hush-money trial.
Seth Meyers
Seth Meyers responded to police crackdowns on college pro-Palestinian protesters nationwide this week, representing an unprecedented and disproportional use of force. He particularly cited Columbia, where the NYPD responded to a small group of students in a building with a huge riot squad. In a press conference, Mayor Eric Adams bragged about the NYPD managing to have “the element of surprise”.
“Element of surprise? Did you see footage of the police approaching the school?” the Late Night host scoffed. “Usually when there are that many police together at one time, Bane is about to trick them into the Gotham City tunnels.
“As a New Yorker, I just want to say I really appreciate knowing that this is where my tax dollars are going: using drones to round up co-eds rather than, say, keeping libraries open or building affordable housing or making sure the F train isn’t a total piece of shit,” Meyers deadpanned.
“The NYPD responded with advanced technology and unprecedented force to a college protest. Columbia and city officials said they were left with no choice,” he continued. “And I mean let’s face it, it’s not like they had many alternatives. Unfortunately, there’s just no other way for a college to deal with a protest like this.”
Meyers then played a clip from Brown University, where school officials reached an agreement with protesters to hold a vote later this year on ending investments in Israel; as a response, the students would disband an encampment on school grounds. “But what about our drones? If there’s a peaceful settlement, what are we going to do with all our drones?!” Meyers mocked.
Jokes aside, Meyers concluded: “No matter how you feel about the protesters, we should spend less time arguing about college kids and more time focusing on what the protests are about.
“The story is what’s happening in Gaza,” he added. “That’s what the protests are about.”
Jimmy Kimmel
In Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel bragged about his relevance to Trump’s criminal trial in New York, after prosecutors showed texts between lawyers about Stormy Daniels’ appearance on his show in 2018. “We are part of it now. We are part of the official record of the People v Donald Trump,” Kimmel said. “Suffice it to say that when Ryan Murphy makes the nine-part mini-series about this for Fubo, I will be in it. I would assume someone like George Clooney or maybe Chris Hemsworth will be playing me.
“I don’t want to brag, but first time a late-night talkshow has been introduced into evidence in the criminal trial for a president of the United States,” he added.
While Kimmel was “pleased as punch” to be included in the trial, he expressed disappointment that his other segment with Daniels from 2018 wasn’t mentioned, when he had her pick which orange mushroom most resembled the former president’s penis.
“This is why I want to be in court. I’m sick of being out of the court. I want to be in it! Why was I not asked to testify? It’s outrageous! I’m going to start suing people,” he joked. “And I think I could keep Trump awake during the trial.”
Stephen Colbert
Thursday was a “10 out of 10” spring day in New York City, said Stephen Colbert on The Late Show. “Warm, sunny, a perfect time for Donald Trump to be stuck in a courtroom freezing his drowsy balls off.”
On Thursday, Trump’s eyes were reportedly closed at the start of testimony. But his lawyers seemed “acutely aware” of how important his consciousness is to the case, according to the New York Times, and kept glancing over at him. “Eventually, they’re just going to have to put him on a baby monitor,” said Colbert.
Thursday’s proceedings mostly saw testimony from lawyer Keith Davidson, who was asked several times to explain common internet abbreviations, including “wtf”.
“Of course, in any text about Trump, it stands for ‘wake the farter,’” Colbert quipped.
Colbert also touched on the “tragic career suicide” of the South Dakota governor and former Trump running mate hopeful Kristi Noem, after she talked about killing her 14-month-old puppy and a family goat in her new book. “I’ll be honest, I was conflicted about whether or not I should keep talking about it, because unlike Kristi Noem I don’t like beating a dead horse,” Colbert joked.
Noem went on Sean Hannity’s Fox News show to defend herself, saying the 14-month-old Cricket was “a working dog, not a puppy”.
“That’s right, she was a working dog, so Noem did not shoot her puppy. She shot her employee,” Colbert joked.
Noem went on to claim that she’s a “dog lover” and “been around hundreds of them, of course”.
“Although before she got there, it used to be thousands,” Colbert quipped.
