Romantic relationships have a lot to answer for – insufferable smuggery when we’re getting it right and some of our worst haircuts (and behaviour) when they hit the skids. But good, bad or ugly, we could scarcely call ourselves human without them. Ever a wellspring of intrigue, matters of the heart are a source of endless fascination (and often frustrations) for us all. So we decided to ask readers for their stories.
And they did not disappoint. Since Intimate Details was conceived five months ago, we’ve received more than 1,000 reader responses to 15 topics, sharing anecdotes and advice on some of the most complicated issues faced in relationships, from fidelity to finances to family and much in between. While new romantic trends are on the rise (ethical non-monogamy and voluntary celibacy were some of the most responded to topics), according to readers the eternal concerns of trust and respect remain crucial.
While trawling through all the stories submitted by readers – the tirades, the wisdom, the joy – I’ve laughed, I’ve cringed, been inspired and left with my mouth agape. The topics were diverse, and there were plenty of surprises along the way, but some remarkably consistent themes emerged about what it takes to get it right – or how to survive when it doesn’t.
My findings are no revelation. They are the fundamentals of healthy human interaction. Most of us know what they are and most of us are terrible at them, at least some of the time.
Across generations and time zones, whether dealing with the fallout of infidelity or simply trying not to go nuclear over the way the dishwasher was stacked, readers often came to the same conclusion: constructive communication and staying on the same team was the difference between harmony and havoc.
Of course when it comes to our heart’s desires, our pet hates and the complex quagmires of our psyches, it isn’t that simple. When emotions run hot, productive dialogue and a sense of unity might seem elusive. Yet from nipping disagreements in the bud to navigating stark income gaps, readers with the most robust and rewarding relationships unfailingly returned to a sobering maxim: if we want to have good partners and be good partners, we have to regard our other halves as allies, not adversaries.
For most mere mortals, staying on the same page is easier said than done and most of us have learned, forgotten and learned again (here’s another reminder): communication is key.
Disappointingly it seems that telepathy and passive-aggressive quips don’t count and the collective common sense of our readers – often fortified by therapy and self-help books, and sometimes couples counselling – says that talking to one another in a civilised, open-minded fashion is the best approach.
Worse still, we actually have to know what we’re even really upset about – and then articulate it. Calmly. And we have to keep doing that, all the time, for ever. Sounds exhausting, but according to many readers whose relationships have survived emotional and physical betrayals, welcoming others into the bedroom, the void of an empty nest or an intrusive pet, that’s what it takes.
Drilling down to the core of your or your partner’s discontent – or as one eloquent reader put it, “speaking to the heart of the issue” – not only saves time. It can help peel back the layers of petty grievances to reveal the kernels of our woes. Which is to say: if you find yourself getting a divorce over cups left by the sink, a la Matthew Fray, author of This is How Your Marriage Ends, something has been lost in transmission.
Try as we might, not every relationship will work out, and that’s all part of the ride. But whether you’re playing for keeps or calling time, or have lost your appetite for constructive communication and the team has fallen apart, one piece of reader advice will always be true: “Not being jerks to each other helps. Nothing good ever comes from being a jerk.”
