THE BOURNEMOUTH ULTIMATUM
The Fiver wasn’t particularly shocked when Dundee United announced they’d defenestrated Jack Ross and thrown all his stuff into the Tay. True, his time in charge at Tannadice had started, exactly one month ago, with promise, as his 10-man team came within a minute of securing an opening-day league win at 1965 champions Kilmarnock, then went on to beat AZ Alkmaar 1-0 in Tin Pot. But things quickly spiralled out of control after that, United losing their next five straight, to the cumulative score of 24-1. Having been gubbed at home 3-0 by St Mirren and then 9-0 by the Queen’s Celtic, a quick extrapolation of the trend suggested Hibs would rack up 81 goals when they visit a week Saturday. That’s positively Sierra Leonean, and the end was inevitable, Ross’s 72-day reign falling just short of Jim McLean’s club record by 21 years, three months and six days. Oh Jack! We hardly knew ye!
Neither were we that surprised when news filtered through of Bournemouth bundling Scott Parker out of the window and flinging his gear in the Stour. True, his record at Dean Court has been on the face of it decent, winning promotion, albeit in spirit-sappingly dull style, then starting the new Premier League campaign by outsmarting Steven Gerrard, which is admittedly not the highest of bars, but he did clear it. However Bournemouth’s next three fixtures, in which they were widely expected to harvest zero points, harvested zero points. All well and good, though there are various ways of losing to the likes of Manchester City, Arsenal and Liverpool, and plenty of them are a damn sight more palatable than doing so by the aggregate tune of 16-0. Oh Scotty!
Thing is, nine-goal shellackings, such as the one Bournemouth suffered at Anfield, aren’t, in and of themselves, necessarily enough to get someone the sack. Just ask Ralph Hasenhüttl, whose talent for emerging unscathed from piles of rubble, dusting himself down and carrying on as though nothing has happened is matched historically only by Joliet Jake Blues. He’s still in situ at Southampton, having taken his medicine humbly and moved on. Nowadays, instead of shipping nine against Leicester and Manchester United, his team are either beating or losing unluckily to them. It is possible to survive, if not necessarily to thrive. Not a single garment or Saints-branded cap was dispatched into the Solent.
Parker however chose to react to humiliating defeat in bellicose fashion. He told post-rout interviewers that he was “not surprised” at the result, claimed his side are “ill-equipped at this level”, and implied that more thrashings were inevitable unless signings were made. It wasn’t the first time Parker had attempted a shot across his board’s bows, and club owner Maxim Demin gave a considered return that was 10% statement, 90% salvo. “In order for us to keep progressing as a team and a club as a whole, it is unconditional that we are aligned in our strategy to run the club sustainably,” he fumed while filling out Parker’s P45. “We must also show belief in and respect for one another.” The danger, kids, right there, of washing one’s dirty linen in public. Meanwhile, with no little irony, all of Parker’s cardies, shirts and ties continued to bob serenely towards the English Channel.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“After months of maximum effort, the decision to not allow domestic/international streaming of matches of Wrexham and the other clubs in the league is truly baffling. Depriving every team the chance to expand the fanbase while adding to league revenue benefits everyone. This is a spotlight and a chance and we ask [the league] to take it” – Ryan Reynolds takes the National League to task over its broadcast rules. Because obviously.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
It’s David Squires on … the transfer window’s panicked finale.
FIVER LETTERS
“On the continuing subject of postponements (Fiver letters passim), a few years ago my son made the trip from his Swansea home to visit us in Essex, and we booked a minibus to see Leyton Orient play Hartlepool. After a tortuous journey into east London, we found that kick-off had been delayed due to an accident on the M11, which was preventing the visitors from getting to the ground from their hotel. We repaired to the bar, got a pint, and shortly learned the match was off. Back on the bus and my lad returned home the next day. His round trip over the weekend was 540 miles or, as he put it: ‘A long way to go for a pint of warm beer’” – Mark Waters.
“I’m surprised no one has mentioned the 1965 Big Cup quarter-final between Liverpool and Cologne yet. It had been snowing quite heavily before the game, but not enough to postpone it (yet). Anfield was packed, and I took up my usual spec in the middle of the Kop. It stopped snowing and the players came out for a warm-up but headed back inside when it started snowing again. From memory they came out a second time, but eventually the game was called off as snow had blanketed the pitch and a blizzard was raging. Some of the people on the Kop immediately invaded the pitch and started pelting the people in the Kemlyn Road stand with snowballs. Eventually tickets were produced and distributed to the turnstile operators for the rearranged game. You had to climb over the turnstiles on your way out to get one. This was the round that we eventually won with a toss of the coin at a neutral venue (Rotterdam) after the teams were tied 0-0 after two legs, and 2-2 in Rotterdam” – John Milce.
“This thing about the postponement of games has gotten extremely boring. Stop it!” – Antonio Vives.
“With their signing of the crafty Brazilian winger from Ajax, Manchester United are arguably entering their Cleopatra phase, because their adversaries will be out to mark Antony” – Peter Oh [you were saying, Antonio … – Fiver Ed].
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Mark Waters.
DUE DILIGENCE CORNER
9 June: “Stake.com is an ambitious organisation with impressive growth plans and we’re all very excited to enter into a partnership with them at this stage in their journey” – Everton extol their club-record, multi-year partnership with the casino and sports betting platform.
28 August: Everton tell their club-record, multi-year partner – a casino and sports betting platform – to stop using the club’s imagery in an international promotion offering a $10 free bet to anyone who wagers $5,000 in a week. “They’ve just took the money and run,” said Ben Melvin, a recovering gambling addict and lifelong Toffee.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Ajax have managed to squeeze €100m out of Manchester United for Antony.
Chelsea have loaned Callum Hudson-Odoi to Leverkusen. “I’m keen to get to know the club, the fans and the Bundesliga,” he cheered.
And Newcastle boss Eddie Howe still doesn’t know if he can give record signing Alexander Isak his debut at Liverpool on Wednesday. “I think [the cut-off is] 75 minutes before kick-off,” he sighed. “We don’t know, so it could go down to the wire.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Dele Alli and the perception of “squandered talent”. By Jonathan Liew.
Andy Brassell on Union Berlin. And Nicky Bandini on Lazio.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
