Florida author and columnist Carl Hiaasen always said it’s tough to write good fiction about Florida — because nothing you can imagine is more absurd than this state’s reality.
Well, meet Randy Fine — a walking, talking, sweating and cussing version of absurdity.
Randy loves to talk about God, his faith and how children need good role models.
Randy also likes to call people names — like “whore,” “pervert” and “groomer.”
Randy made headlines again last weekend with another too-stupid-for-fiction story when the Republican state rep from Brevard County appeared to threaten funding for Special Olympics.
Why? Because organizers of a fundraiser at a local Chick-fil-A didn’t invite him to attend. Instead, they invited one of Randy’s sworn enemies, a school board member Randy hates with a white-hot, absurdist passion.
So Randy did what any responsible, faith-promoting person would do — called that woman a “whore” and said funding for the Special Olympics was now in jeopardy.
“I’m not going to jack sh*t that that whore is at,” Randy said of Brevard School Board member Jennifer Jenkins. “Jenkins just put your project and special Olympics funding on the veto list.”
That’s all according to Randy’s hometown paper, Florida Today, which ran this story: “Florida Rep. Randy Fine threatened Special Olympics funding over school board member feud, texts show.”
Yes, he put all that in texts. Because of course he did.
You could maybe write all this off as just another absurd Florida story. Except Randy’s not just another cog in Florida’s legislative cringe-show. He’s a leader; a point-man for both Gov. Ron DeSantis and House Speaker Chris Sprowls.
Randy was the guy chosen to lead last week’s legislative attack on Disney … in the name of protecting family values. (As long as your family doesn’t need services from the Special Olympics and Randy doesn’t think your mom’s a “whore.”)
By now you might be saying: But Scott, maybe the governor and House Speaker didn’t know Randy was an embarrassment before last week.
Sure they did. Randy was also the policy genius who once proposed shutting down the entire University of Central Florida after the school ticked him off. That was three years ago.
Randy was also the guy who claimed Brevard County school members were perpetrating “child abuse” on a little girl with Down syndrome — only to have the police department reveal that the stepfather who made the abuse claims had lied to cops and staged photos.
Randy recently boasted on Facebook that, when asked what pronouns he preferred, he responded: “they are: You / Are / A / Fu&$ng / Moron/”
This is the guy who says Mickey Mouse is a bad influence. The guy Florida Republicans have chosen to represent their brand.
As for the latest case, Fine says he’s really the victim here and told Florida Today that his comments about vetoes were never meant to be a threat.
You can read the texts for yourself and decide.
In one, Fine tells John Dittmore, a councilman from West Melbourne whose police department was hosting the fundraiser for the Special Olympics, that funding for the Special Olympics and a city flood-prevention project are in trouble.
“Jenkins just put your project and special Olympics funding on the veto list.”
Dittmore tries to deflect a bit. Randy reiterates: “Seriously though, this does put your project on the veto list. Very dumb move”
Randy then registers dissatisfaction over not being invited to the Chick-fil-A: “It is a slap in the face given I got you all money.”
Actually, taxpayers provided the money, which Florida Today identified as $1 million in the state budget for the Special Olympics and $460,000 for a flood-risk reduction project meant to help 500 homes in West Melbourne.
Dittmore then tries to soothe Randy by inviting him to the event as well.
Randy: “I’m not going to jack sh*t that that whore is at.”
Dittmore asks if that’s actually a condition.
“Yes. I’m not doing anything involving that whore,” Randy responds. (For those losing count, that’s two “whore” references from the distinguished gentleman from Brevard.) “You guys will need to raise a lot of money given that’s who you want to honor, not the person who got you money in the budget.”
You can see why Randy didn’t want these texts released. In fact, Dittmore told Florida Today that Randy was so livid about a city attorney releasing them — as Florida’s public-records law requires — that Randy suggested the attorney be fired. Randy said that wasn’t true.
Most people would be embarrassed by all this. Not Randy. He took to Facebook to crow: “Last week, I spearheaded the charge to hold Disney accountable for trying to force their California values on Florida. This week, national leftists at MSNBC and The Daily Beast are attacking me. I must be doing something right.”
Yes, poor, poor Randy, the “whore”-calling martyr who demands party invitations. Also the guy legislative leaders chose to lead the funding committee for public education.
You might expect Randy’s fellow lawmakers to have a problem with his behavior. I doubt they do.
The last Republican punished by his party peers was respected Tampa Bay Sen. Jeff Brandes, whose crime was warning his caucus against passing all sorts of unconstitutional laws last session. Multiple federal judges would later say Brandes was right. But as punishment for speaking the truth and defending the Constitution, GOP leaders stripped Brandes of a committee chairmanship.
Maybe you’re thinking: Wait, so the guy who speaks the truth gets punished while the guy who calls a female public official a “whore” stays front and center? That’s absurd.
Maybe too much so for fiction. But not for Florida.
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