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Crikey
Crikey
Comment
Guy Rundle

Scott and the spinning Jenny, Josh, prime prime minister and king of the world

Through a wormhole in space-time, Crikey has obtained a preliminary report on Scott Morrison’s multiple appointments, with notes in italics from senior officials. In the last years of his government, he had himself appointed to offices including but not limited to:

Treasurer

Finance minister

Health Minister

Resources minister

Home Affairs minister

Administrator of Norfolk Island

Minister of Fisheries, Tasmania

Deputy mayor of Brisbane

Acting junior alderman, Esk shire council

Premier of the state of Victoria

Deputy leader of the federal opposition
Mr Morrison noted that becoming opposition leader would have been bad for democracy.

Greens spokesperson, status of women

Secretary-general of Socialist Alternative

Postmaster-general, 1943 Curtin government

Philip IV of France (1268-1314)

Treasurer again
— On 9 December 2021, Mr Morrison told the governor-general that his first appointment as treasurer “hadn’t taken” and he would have to be treasurer twice.

Prime minister squared

Prime prime minister minister

Josh Frydenberg
— From 13 June to 24 October 2021, Mr Morrison became not merely treasurer, but was sworn in as Josh Frydenberg. He would generally arrive at Mr Frydenberg’s house after Mr Frydenberg (I) had left in the morning. Mr Morrison/Frydenberg (II) would then stay til lunch, doing a little vacuuming, making blinis and feeling ambivalent towards his mother.

President, Kiwanis, Punchbowl branch

Grand Poobah, Elks Lodge

Tawadros II, pope of the Coptic Orthodox Church

Centre half-forward, Sandringham VFL seconds

Scrubber, Australia 2020 Sochi Curling team, go the Numbats

Senior masseur, Canterbury Bulldogs

Director, Robert Menzies Institute
— Shown to be valid, as this office is occupied by Georgina Downer and thus regarded as vacant.

Felicity “Flick” Newman, troubled teen, Home and Away
Mr Morrison played the role of the “firecracker with a dark secret”, usually taken by Jacqui Purvis, from February to May 2022.

Nora, Monkey Grip
Anyone who read the novel Monkey Grip between November 2020 and February 2021 would have found that the central character, single mother Nora, was a fat, balding Christian with hairy man boobs. Thirty-seven 2020 VCE English papers are currently being remarked.

“The Man”
On May 27 2021 Mr Morrison was sworn in by the governor-general as “The Man” in a friendship group consisting of Shane ‘The Man” Abruzzo, James Pearson-White, Barry Smith and Tyson Connolly, who had met in UNSW Business Studies in the 2010s. Mr Abruzzo ceased to be regarded by them as “The Man” from that day. Mr Morrison is still “The Man”. Mr Abruzzo was detained on May 28 2021, and executed on Christmas Island that August.

Girl You Shouldn’t Have Started Talking To At a Party; French Dude With Camera Who Says He’s a Filmmaker; Your Crypto-Supplements-PUA Cousin; Brother-in-Law Who Only Reads Books About Hitler; Manic Pixie Dream Friend On Lexapro; Your Pro-Ana Goddaughter, Convicted Con-Man Your Divorced Mother’s Currently On a Cruise With; Office Passive-Aggressive Cake Baker, and 1431 others.
These were all Mr Morrison.

Treasurer
By March 2022, Australia had five treasurers, four of whom were Mr Morrison.

Jenny
Mr Morrison has been his own wife since 2003.

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