Through a wormhole in space-time, Crikey has obtained a preliminary report on Scott Morrison’s multiple appointments, with notes in italics from senior officials. In the last years of his government, he had himself appointed to offices including but not limited to:
Treasurer
Finance minister
Health Minister
Resources minister
Home Affairs minister
Administrator of Norfolk Island
Minister of Fisheries, Tasmania
Deputy mayor of Brisbane
Acting junior alderman, Esk shire council
Premier of the state of Victoria
Deputy leader of the federal opposition
— Mr Morrison noted that becoming opposition leader would have been bad for democracy.
Greens spokesperson, status of women
Secretary-general of Socialist Alternative
Postmaster-general, 1943 Curtin government
Philip IV of France (1268-1314)
Treasurer again
— On 9 December 2021, Mr Morrison told the governor-general that his first appointment as treasurer “hadn’t taken” and he would have to be treasurer twice.
Prime minister squared
Prime prime minister minister
Josh Frydenberg
— From 13 June to 24 October 2021, Mr Morrison became not merely treasurer, but was sworn in as Josh Frydenberg. He would generally arrive at Mr Frydenberg’s house after Mr Frydenberg (I) had left in the morning. Mr Morrison/Frydenberg (II) would then stay til lunch, doing a little vacuuming, making blinis and feeling ambivalent towards his mother.
President, Kiwanis, Punchbowl branch
Grand Poobah, Elks Lodge
Tawadros II, pope of the Coptic Orthodox Church
Centre half-forward, Sandringham VFL seconds
Scrubber, Australia 2020 Sochi Curling team, go the Numbats
Senior masseur, Canterbury Bulldogs
Director, Robert Menzies Institute
— Shown to be valid, as this office is occupied by Georgina Downer and thus regarded as vacant.
Felicity “Flick” Newman, troubled teen, Home and Away
— Mr Morrison played the role of the “firecracker with a dark secret”, usually taken by Jacqui Purvis, from February to May 2022.
Nora, Monkey Grip
— Anyone who read the novel Monkey Grip between November 2020 and February 2021 would have found that the central character, single mother Nora, was a fat, balding Christian with hairy man boobs. Thirty-seven 2020 VCE English papers are currently being remarked.
“The Man”
— On May 27 2021 Mr Morrison was sworn in by the governor-general as “The Man” in a friendship group consisting of Shane ‘The Man” Abruzzo, James Pearson-White, Barry Smith and Tyson Connolly, who had met in UNSW Business Studies in the 2010s. Mr Abruzzo ceased to be regarded by them as “The Man” from that day. Mr Morrison is still “The Man”. Mr Abruzzo was detained on May 28 2021, and executed on Christmas Island that August.
Girl You Shouldn’t Have Started Talking To At a Party; French Dude With Camera Who Says He’s a Filmmaker; Your Crypto-Supplements-PUA Cousin; Brother-in-Law Who Only Reads Books About Hitler; Manic Pixie Dream Friend On Lexapro; Your Pro-Ana Goddaughter, Convicted Con-Man Your Divorced Mother’s Currently On a Cruise With; Office Passive-Aggressive Cake Baker, and 1431 others.
— These were all Mr Morrison.
Treasurer
— By March 2022, Australia had five treasurers, four of whom were Mr Morrison.
Jenny
— Mr Morrison has been his own wife since 2003.
