I always thought that if you subjected people to psychological or physical torture, then you have to go to prison. Isn’t it sort of one of the rules of torture? Drastically illegal, right on the edges of being a war crime, no? Yet Channel 4 has created a psychological punishment hangar and locked Love Island’s Chloe Burrows in there with Chris Eubank, and apparently this isn’t in direct convention of international law, or anything. As long as Danny Dyer’s on board to do the hosting, you can do anything you want to a celebrity if their agent can get their fee up high enough. Join us next summer for ITV’s inevitable Celebrity Soup, where they boil Joey Essex in a big pot of aromatics and serve him to unsuspecting guests at a Towie reunion show.
Before that, though, Scared of the Dark (daily from Sunday 16 April, 9pm). Eight of your finest reality TV show celebrities are driven to an enormous aircraft hangar where all light has been completely blotted out, and they have to stay there for a week. There are challenges, obviously. They have to find their items in the dark without being too afraid of an air horn. There is a lot of sudden, terrified screaming. They are served their food cut into neat cubes so they don’t really know what they are eating (a genius move – whoever had the idea that led to me watching Max George eat a cube of chicken in pitch darkness while going “yeah it’s beef”, please pat yourself on the back).
