“That was the last individual race of my career. And I couldn’t have picked a better way to end it,” Ross Murdoch stated emphatically in the minutes after winning bronze in the 50m breaststroke at the Commonwealth Games earlier this year.
There seemed no doubt in his mind that his elite swimming career, which had spanned a decade and had seen him become a household name after winning gold at Glasgow 2014, was over.
But, just as Steve Redgrave failed to stick to his “if you ever see me in a boat again, shoot me” proclamation all those years ago, Murdoch is dogged with uncertainty that he has hung up his goggles for good.
Despite his conviction that Birmingham 2022 was his hurrah - and his three bronze medals would have been a nice way to finish things – he admits he is finding it almost impossible to close the door on a swimming career that has given him so much.
“I’m not saying I don’t want to compete for Scotland again – I absolutely would love to and if it’s possible, it might happen,” the 28-year-old says.
“But I do know that at some point, we’ve all got to wise up and get a real job so it’s about whether you can make that work together.
“Even at the time at the Commonwealth Games, there was part of me thinking why am I saying it like this?!
“I know it’ll be very, very difficult to make a team again and I won’t be competing again for a while because I’ve not been in the pool for a few weeks and I’m not training seriously.
“But looking at my swimming career, it was the best times of my life and I don’t want to fully let go.”
Murdoch had, in fact, retired last December. His love for the sport was gone and he didn’t swim for eleven weeks.
However, during that time, he realised he still had something to give and returned to training at Stirling University, where he has been based since he left school as a teenager, and went to Birmingham 2022 with little pressure upon his shoulders which, in no small part, contributed to his success which saw his major championship medal count rise to 15.
However, having battled mental health challenges during that first retirement, Murdoch admits he is somewhat apprehensive about the impending loss of identity and structure that inevitably comes with retirement from elite sport and so the safety net of a potential comeback is an extreme comfort to the Balloch native.
“What’s unique to athletes is you retire so young and you lose your identity at such a young age. Part of the issue is letting go and accepting your new identity and it takes time to come to terms with that. So perhaps it’s a safety mechanism thinking I might be back. I definitely feel a lot more prepared for it this time than last year, though,” he says.
“Now, I’m enjoying doing my own thing and over the next year, finding my feet. And if I feel like I still want to swim, I probably will have a crack. I want to keep it open in my own mind – I don’t want to deal in absolutes.
“In Birmingham, ending it there was what was expected of me. It seemed like a good timeline – I was finishing university and then if I finished swimming, especially after winning three medals, it’d be a real poetic ending.
“But not having that structure and routine is really difficult at times.
“It’s hard because as an athlete, you’re so used to being told what to do and where to be and so not having that is going to be difficult for me to get used to.
“For me, I’d rather have a job and be stressed about that instead of just floating along with nothing to do. I’ve just bought decking oil to get my decking ready for winter – that shows I’m really scraping the barrel for tasks to keep me busy.”
Murdoch may not have the routine of daily training sessions any longer but as he strives to remain occupied, he has become involved with the charity, Sported, which is working to help community sports groups as well as individuals who are affected by the cost of living crisis.
Murdoch is someone who has experienced first-hand the powerful benefits sport can bring and is desperate to ensure those positives are felt by as many people as possible.
And whether he returns as an elite swimmer or not, he will never forget the positive impact sport has had on his life.
“This charity isn’t about producing the next high-performance athlete, this is about keeping people active. There’s a much wider world out there than just elite sport so you need to look at the bigger picture,” he says.
“It’s about making sure as many people as possible have access to sport and with the cost of living crisis, it’s going to make things even more difficult.
“I wasn’t particularly well-off growing up and sport gave me absolutely everything.
“I look back on myself as a kid and although I was never diagnosed, did I have ADHD? Probably. I couldn’t sit still, couldn’t think straight in class, was scared of that social interaction and so sport gave me everything.
“It wasn’t just the opportunity for social mobility but it was the chance for me to grow into the man I am today.
“I wasn’t an educated kid but sport let me become a functioning member of society and I now have a Masters degree so how far I’ve come.
“So I’m really passionate about what sport can do for people. It’s not always easy but with hard work, you can get so much out of it and amazing things can happen.
“Sport gave me an identity and it’s about giving other people that opportunity too.”
