Rockstar hornswoggles lapsed GTAO players with $3 million welcome-back offer that actually requires you to spend money to get most of it

A man holding a gun drives a boat as money flies out the back in GTA Online.

I regard GTA Online the same way I regard the Seven Years' War: I only know it at a distance, it sounds like a living nightmare, and whenever I learn something new about it I'm sure glad I'm not there.

Maybe I'm not the only one, because Rockstar is giving away $3,000,000 to any lapsed player who returns to its loving bosom. If you're currently playing then you're already hooked, and Rockstar has nothing for you but scorn.