All Drag Race fans have, at one point, imagined themselves as a guest judge on Drag Race: what fabulous outfit they would wear, the jokes they’d crack as the queens sashayed down the runway, how they would jump into action as soon as Mama Ru yelled SILENCE.
In short: no loyal Drag Race viewer would turn their contoured nose up at the opportunity to join RuPaul’s judging panel.
In lieu of my invitation to the main stage, I settled for the live show. The performance promised a night of endless extravaganza as all 12 queens from Series Two of RuPaul’s Drag Race UK joined forces, led by Queen of Scots and season 2 winner Lawrence Chaney.
Of course last thing I expected was to be disappointed. The show the live tour is based on is a hit globally, with spin-offs in Spain, Finland, Thailand and Oz. The original version, helmed by self-proclaimed ‘Supermodel of the World’ RuPaul, has even won Emmys. To quote Lawrence herself: "We all know that season 2 of Drag Race UK is the greatest season EVER."
The BBC Three show, though, is just an appetiser. You don’t have to know the series to appreciate the impressive nature of these 12 spectacular performers.
Despite finding global success and fame in the 12 months since she seized the crown, Glasgow-born Lawrence returned back home to party city where she belongs for a night of lipsyncing and death drops at the SEC Armadillo on Sunday, 6 February.
Opening with a ferocious medley of pop hits, winner Lawrence led her army of co-stars in a drag-queen strut along a giant catwalk stage before nailing what she does best - reading her sisters to absolute filth.
Proving it’s still not RuPaul’s Best Friends Race, Lawrence’s opening monologue saw her take jabs at everyone from her Season 2 pals and new winner Crystal Versace to Mama ‘fracking rich’ Ru herself.
“We know you are Scottish so don’t pretend you don’t love the C-Word,” Lawrence joked, surely referring to Ru’s beloved C.U.N.T criteria: Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent.
And there was plenty C-word business to behold, with each contestant producing their own routines in a series of jaw-dropping, high-kicking, serial costume-changing extravaganzas.
In the first half, we are introduced to the queens who exited the series first. Joe Black is fabulously funny, an old-school cabaret dame. Tea Kofi is the Alesha Dixon of drag, all quivering legs and slightly less shaky vocals. Ginny Lemon is an off-beat anti-capitalist comedy act, and Veronica Green is halfway to musical theatre. All four sing live with various degrees of success, but that’s part of the fun, right?
Then there are the lipsyncers. Dancer Asttina Mandella is statuesque and stunning, with a body designed by angels and a face like a Snapchat filter. Sister Sister is an art project; like if Grayson Perry and Lana Del Rey had a terrifyingly bonkers baby.
As we near the halfway point, my friend and I agree it's incredible to see each queen have the space and freedom to create their own routine outside of the constraints of the show. But, in the famous words of Tatianna, CHOICES.
It’s not until Cherry Valentine is carried onto the stage, reclining atop a chez lounge, that the party really gets started.
Clearly as the first eliminated queen, Cherry feels she has a lot to prove, and boy does this girl deliver. Cherry’s diva-tastic dance-off finally brings the crowd to their feet as she gyrates and grinds in full get up - a nod to both her roots and her new BBC documentary, Cherry Valentine: Gypsy Queen and Proud.
Lipsyncing to Beyonce’s Beautiful Liar and Doja Cat’s Woman, Cherry proved she was the night’s ultimate pop princess - and the biggest hit of the gig so far. Condragulations Cherry, you really popped off. You are the winner of the first half of the show.
And just when we thought we caught our breath during the interval, A’Whora burst onto the stage in a blur of neon and filthy dance moves, ready to get our hearts racing once again.
She performed a stampede of anthems including explosive versions of clubkid classics Love Inc’s You’re a Superstar, Ultra Nate’s Free and Better Off Alone by Alice Deeja. All while looking like she stepped fresh off the runway. To quote Monique Heart? Stunning.
Tayce’s look, choreography and enthusiasm were equally excellent - and if possible, even more explicit. For this set-piece, Drag UK’s answer to Naomi Campbell swooshed down a motorised walkway looking like a hypnotic hip-hop sexbot. I’m not sure her song of choice can be safely published here without getting me fired, but let’s say Queen Tayce ruled, her dancing as smooth as her 16inch weave.
Fan favourite Bimini Bon-Boulash followed. For the most famous wronged contestant on the drag planet, revenge is a dish best served loud, ideally while stomping around a stage wearing vegan-leather platform boots.
Runner-up Bimini’s visuals drew heavily from the iconic imagery of their high-fashion magazine covers, which they have snapped almost weekly since their exit from the show.
Far from just a pretty face, Bimini was the most technically dazzling of the night, performing a high-octane, high-risk acrobatic act looking like a Blondie and Kate Moss lovechild clad in leopard print. No pads, totally untucked, pure Bimini.
Dundee queen Ellie Diamond provided the evening's most bizarre set, jumping from a crate Shangela style dressed as Dr Seuss’s Cat in Hat. What a sentence. While she gets points for thinking outside the box, the performance fell flatter than a shake and go wig.
Finally, Lawrence Chaney returned to the stage. Lawrence is the god of Scottish drag. A deity with the proportions of a skittle and complexion of a beautiful clown. Lawrence’s personal brand of salacious maternal warmth and joviality is legendary: a household name in Glasgow, the face of Irn Bru and the city’s subway, half a million Instagram followers. The crowd surged towards their hometown hero, dressed as an astronaut, and I was left in the wake.
A final stampede saw all 12 contestants return to the stage to reenact their eliminations. The fast-paced, medley-heavy, musical mixtape menu injected new life into the traditional Drag Race format. Watching the queens lipsync for their life and perform the infectiously hilarious UK Hun, is something we’ve all seen before but make no mistake: this was a state-of-the-art maxi-drag spectacle from queens with enough energy and ambition to challenge Beyonce or Madonna.
10’s across the board. Lawrence may be Glasgow’s queen, but shantay you all can stay in the city as long as you like.
Series Three of RuPaul’s Drag Race UK will werk their way across the country this autumn, with performances Dundee, Edinburgh and Glasgow.
For tickets go to www.cuffeandtaylor.com
