A reverend who realised he was gay after years of being married to his wife 'lost his job' after coming out.
From an outsider's perspective, Reverend Andrew Fitchet had a perfect life. He was a well-liked minister at his church, worked as a councillor serving his local community and owned a house he shared with his wife, baby boy, and their Labrador.
But he always felt there was something missing in his life - before realising he identified as gay.
The 32-year-old came out to his supportive wife and ended up losing his job as minister because of his sexuality - but says he would do it all over again as he is now the happiest he has ever been and finally 'free'.
Speaking to Manchester Evening News, he said: “My life before looked idyllic. It was a happy marriage in many ways, but there was something which wasn’t right - something wasn’t clicking and things just weren't as you hoped they would be.”
The couple married when he was 22 and his wife was 19. They met at an evangelical church, where it was encouraged they were to marry young. “We felt good about it at the time but I didn’t really know who I was at that age,” Andy explained. “I didn’t marry knowing I was gay at all.”
It wasn’t until three years later in 2015, just before their baby son was born, that he came to realise his sexuality. He had sought professional help from a counsellor over his worry about becoming a father.
His dad wasn’t in the picture, and neither was his dad, so he wanted to break the cycle. But his therapist was more interested in delving into Andy's past.
“I had a bit of an existential crisis of not knowing how to be a dad,” he said. “But with two years of counselling, I came to a realisation that the feelings and thoughts that I had as a teen were more than feelings and actually part of who I was and my identity.”
After leading a carol service in December 2016, Andy ended up with severe flu in bed. He spent 10 days thinking about how his life had been a lie and tried to convince himself he was bi-sexual.
“I said out loud, ‘no you are gay’, and when I heard myself I just cried for hours,” Andy recalled. “I knew everything was going to change, my life was great, why would I want to ruin it? So I just hid.”
The following August in 2017, Andy’s wife noticed he had become distant and disengaged. She questioned if he was having an affair.
“I remember saying ‘no I’m not but the truth is much worse. I’m gay’. She gave me a big hug and said it must be really painful for you," Andy, who is now enjoying being single and dating, said.
“It was one of the most freeing but traumatic experiences of my life because I knew I was hurting the person I loved the most, but I had to recognise I would hurt her more in the long run if I continued to hide and pretended.” Asked how he didn’t realise sooner that he was homosexual, Andy replied, laughing: “I just thought everyone thought Zac Efron was hot, why wouldn’t they?
"I thought it was normal. I hadn’t equated that I found men more attractive than women, and I loved my wife - I think that was part of the confusion. I wasn’t attracted to her in the same way, but I loved her to pieces, which keeps you going for long enough.”
Despite the support from his family, Andy says his workplace felt otherwise. He told the local Baptist church where he worked as a minister that he was gay and after two weeks of deliberations, they decided he could no longer work there.
All Baptist churches are independent charities and decide on individual matters themselves. The Baptist Union doesn’t have an official stance on same-sex marriage, as it’s up to each local church to decide. Andy claims one member of the church told him: “Do we want to be known as the church with a gay minister? I don’t”. Ironically, the day he was fired was National Coming Out Day on October 11.
He tried to go for other posts within the wider church but was been rejected primarily on the basis of his sexuality, he argues. After a series of job rejections, he secured a position at a Methodist church, which had recently voted in favour of same-sex marriages.
“It’s frustrating that being honest with myself prevents me from doing the role that I did previously, but it’s so freeing being who you are, I wouldn’t trade going back,” says Andy, who co-directs charity Affirm - a support network within the Baptist Union of Great Britain whose aim is to push for change and acceptance
“If I got married, I would lose my accreditation as a minister. Sometimes I question 'is it 2022?' We’re still having to have those discussions and we’ve seen a huge rise in the last few years in attacks on LGBT+ people.
"Sometimes it feels like we’re going backwards but I think the general trajectory is in the right direction.” Speaking of Dame Kelly Holmes coming out as gay in the past week, Andy says he hopes society gets to a point where it isn’t necessary to proclaim your sexuality.
“My son is taught in school that LGBT+ relationships are equal, valid, and are as worthy. What he sees at home is affirmed in what he is taught at school,” Andy said, before fondly recalling a special moment with his seven-year-old, with whom he has 50/50 custody of with his ex-wife.
"Last year, my son came out of school and said ‘daddy did you know there are 193 countries in the world? Did you know you can only get married in 20 of them? That’s wrong. You should be able to get married in all of them.’"
Andy added: "There has been a generational shift and I am hopeful for the future, but it requires brave people to stand up and fight.” For those who are experiencing similar thoughts to what Andy went through, his advice is to reach out and talk to someone.
“Coming out and being honest with yourself is nowhere near as bad as you think it’s going to be," he said. "If people are in the church or a similar role, I can’t promise it’s plain sailing, but would I do it again? Yes and time and time and time again.
“It’s the most freeing thing in the world to be fully who you are. Life is about living life to the full and if you’re hiding, that is not an abundant life.”
Andy previously shared his story with LGBTQ+ activist Calum McFabulous, aka Calum McDermott, from Manchester. Calum, who is a producer for Gaydio - the world's biggest radio station of its kind - is campaigning for awareness of and support for "questioning lads" this Pride month.
He says he has spoken with many men who appear to be straight, some in heterosexual relationships, but are in fact queer. "These guys struggle immensely with their mental health - they're essentially trapped, afraid of coming out and need support," Calum said.
"I believe that if the 'closet' still exists and there are lads who think that ‘being’ or ‘appearing’ straight is preferable to living truthfully, that is a huge issue and is still reflective of toxicity within society... it's a cycle that needs to be broken.
"For the LGBTQ+ community, coming out experiences can be similar whilst others differ. Each is valid, and whilst we still live in a world where being LGBTQ+ isn’t completely normalised everywhere, coming out deserves support and recognition.
"This is the reason Pride Month and Pride festivals still exist. In an ideal world, no one would have to come out, but since fear surrounding being LGBTQ+ and prejudice against being LGBTQ+ still exits, celebrations of queerness and solidarity with the community needs to continue."
Calum says his own experience of coming to terms with his sexuality led to self-hatred in being 'different'. "Now that I’ve found my confidence and I identify as a gay, queer man, I want to be part of the representation I didn’t have as a child," he added.
"For those questioning who they are, please know there is always someone to speak to and there is always help. Remember that there is always a future beyond the present you’re living right now.
"Authenticity feels like a breath of fresh air and people who truly love you, will love you, regardless of you are and who you’re attracted to." If you need help and support, you can call Samaritans on 116 123 or the LGBT Foundation on 0345 3 30 30 30.
The Baptists Union has been approached for a comment.
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