One of my big personal fears is that, one day, I’ll accidentally go on Instagram Live while I’m in the toilet. We don’t need to go too deep into why. It is better to focus on what will happen when I do: a small assembled crowd start to interrogate my peeing technique; I become distracted, gazing at myself in the mirror, taking my shirt off and telling myself truths, as my account starts to go viral; when I turn back to my phone, penis fully out, Doja Cat is absolutely cooking me in the comments section. Then there’s the aftermath: friends will pretend they didn’t see it but they did; editors will find themselves less and less likely to email; my girlfriend, after watching a recap video on the LadBible Facebook page (how is this legal?), will leave me. All told, I think the worst thing in the world to possibly happen to me would be “Have 1.2 million people watch me wee”.
Oh, sorry – where was I? Ah, yes: Red Rose on BBC Three launches this Monday at 10pm, and it’s about the terrifying possibilities of looking at your phone. We’re in Bolton, and I’m glad we are – everyone has a very satisfying, “Hiyaluv, two chip barm please, yeah it’s warm today intit?” accent – and we’re following seven teenagers called, and it does feel unbelievable that I’m saying this, Wren, Roch, Taz, Noah, Ashley, Antony and Pavlov. Everyone’s just done their final GCSE and has a glug of sherry, a snog in a phonebox and a fraught am-I-invited-or-not? party about it, and all they really have to worry about is whether they can get a job this summer, whether their shoes are cool, and whether their childhood friendship is going to last a lifetime or not. And then someone downloads “Red Rose”.
