The first I knew of Rebekah Vardy was when she appeared after more dots than anybody has ever used before, in the whodunnit denouement of Wagatha Christie. “It’s .......... Rebekah Vardy’s account,” read Coleen Rooney’s bombshell statement, instantly transforming her frenemy into a household name.
Turns out no PR is bad PR though, because seven years and a long-running legal feud later, villain of the piece Vardy has a primetime TV show on ITV1. I probably wouldn’t hold your breath for flowers or chocolates though, Col, even if reviewers hadn’t given The Vardys such a kicking.
During her days in court, Ms Vardy gave us a few memorable, memeable quotes. Some were unintentionally amusing, such as when she began her testimony with the irritating millennial conversation tic, “If I’m being honest …” prompting Rooney’s lawyer to retort, “I would hope you’re being honest, since you’re in the witness box at the high court.” But other zingers were deliberate, such as the unforgettable, undeniable, “That would be like arguing with a pigeon. You can tell it that you are right and it is wrong, but it’s still going to shit in your hair.” Now, on her reality TV offering, Vardy has proved that worldie was no fluke: she’s the queen of the one-liner. Take this, for example, on her husband, Jamie: “He’s like my rock … and just like any rock, you occasionally get the urge to pick it up and throw it through the window.” Private chef’s kiss.
We hear so much about Victoria Beckham being funny, but in three decades, has she ever provided a single lol? Even more eyebrow raising than a phone full of incriminating evidence falling into the sea, but true: Rebekah Vardy is the Dorothy Parker of footballers’ wives. A wag in both senses indeed.
• Polly Hudson is a freelance writer
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