If an alien landed and asked you: “What is this thing you call music?” what would you play for them? And why? Heather, Kent
Send new questions to nq@theguardian.com.
Readers reply
Gustav Holst, The Planets, of course! winelf
The Martian Hop would seem the obvious starting point. Even if they only speak Klingon, they’d still love that infectious 60s doo-wop. jno50
Klingons are mad for Queen. therealjonbob
Easy peasy – Rock Lobster by the B-52s. Beijingcalling
Forever Autumn by Justin Hayward. 2000 Light Years from Home? Or I’d play the original version of Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft. Why? Because of the melody, and because most people here on Earth only know the Carpenters’ version, so there’s no way an extraterrestrial being would be familiar with Klaatu. EddieChorepost
Play them something on the bagpipes. They would sod off, never return and leave “Danger! Keep away!” signs all around the solar system. bunkendrum
“It’s all a waste of time again / She used to mow the lawn.” All my years on this planet called Earth, the band I view as being in the genre of existential sci-fi is a band that makes life make sense. The Flaming Lips. Pick an album. penguinzero
Slim Whitman if you want them to leave. The Planets for a clue to where they’ve come from. lizzieflint
Blindness by the Fall from the Peel sessions. Two greats for the price of one. Foolishbird
Help! Help! The Globolinks! by Giancarlo Menotti? HugoFS
The first side of The Dark Side of the Moon. CaptainLobster
The video to DJ Snake: Turn Down for What. Limni
Show them an electric guitar and then tell them much of what is music in the world these days is played on this instrument – and here are two men to play some music they have written, which will show you how it’s best done. Their names are David Gilmour and Mark Knopfler. IDNumNoLongerWorks
Probably something simple like London Bridge Is Falling Down, on the basis that you can use the various elements to explain how music has rhythm and melody before moving on to more complicated works. Get them grounded in the basics before getting too intense.
I doubt any of us would have been impressed as a small child to be presented with something as challenging as Ulysses by Joyce as our initial reading book. I believe that a similar approach to how people are introduced to reading would be helpful in a case like this. d33pf1x
It all depends on where they come from: JADES-GS-z14-0 (Pierrot Lunaire by Arnold Schoenberg), WASP-94A b (anything from Angine de Poitrine), or Venus (Three Cool Cat by the Coasters). Mike5B
Angine de Poitrine, who also come from a galaxy far, far away. PingPonger
These aliens are really already here to show us what music actually is. stillife76
Planet Claire, B-52s. Gramffgul
Wouldn’t any self respecting alien have a Spotify or Apple Music subscription? 66JayAreGee
Björk – Hyperballad. She and it are barely of this world anyhow – in a good way. RicardoDiMagnifico
Or Big Time Sensuality. Proper alien foot tapper … BirtyDankers
I’d grab my accordion and play them It’s a Long Way to Tipperary. That would confuse ’em. BirtyDankers
Air on the G String (Bach, arranged by August Wilhelmj). Failing that, To Here Knows When and Soon by My Bloody Valentine. Simon01
Pachelbel’s Canon in D, I think. Something that starts extremely simple and then becomes increasingly complex. Or possibly the bit from the end of the second act of The Marriage of Figaro, where you have a duet that becomes a trio, then a quartet, then quintet, and so on.
But of course, this assumes that the alien can hear music in much the same way that we can. There’s no good reason to assume that: it quite possibly won’t be able to hear harmonies in the way that we do. It won’t necessarily be able to recognise a tempo, or be able to distinguish between different instruments, or between an instrument and a voice, or even perhaps to recognise the pitch of a sound at all. Or it may even be entirely deaf if it comes from an environment where hearing isn’t useful! 1AngryMan
My first instinct would be Bach but, to coin a phrase, I wouldn’t want the aliens to feel jealous. So, maybe one or two of Chopin’s Études instead. therealjonbob
Hmm … Despite not being a fan of either classical or opera, I feel an iconic aria is called for. Either that or Bessie Smith’s Gimme a Pigfoot. TMelly
West End Blues by Louis Armstrong. JWessex
Charli xcx – Lucky. eminentone
I’d sing until they got the idea… taffgorge
My acoustic guitar, just improvising around finger-picked chord shapes. TerryEdward
They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa! – Napoleon XIV. That would get rid of them in no time! Onesiphorus
(Take a ) Walk on the Wild Side. Gramffgul
Miles Davis: Kind of Blue. ruffriders
It really depends on the aspect of music you want to push to the forefront. If you want to impress the alien by depicting the creation of music as a great achievement of humankind, a complicated and beautiful classical piece played by a vast, skilful orchestra is ideal. However, I would much rather gather a group, take out my guitar and sing together spontaneously, possibly with an accompanying handclap rhythm. Although much great music is very exclusive, and made by extremely skilled, talented and well-practised artists, I think the music that brings the most joy is communal. artisticallyinclined
Rameau: Tendre Amour from Les Indes Galantes (conducted by William Christie). It is so hauntingly beautiful that they would probably cry. HGGirl
Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley (which I’d embed in a link, of course). hurtinthewarmup
I’d grab my trusty banjo and just start playing. This is music, I’d say. Sebastian_Rogers
I would start with Barbie Girl by Aqua, then Baby Shark and Crazy Frog, then breathe a sigh of relief just before the death ray hit. DocMesa1981
I don’t think they’re gonna wait till the end of Barbie Girl with their death rays. Mike5B
Send the Buggers Back by Half a Shilling, to make them feel welcome. Or offer Dumpy’s Rusty Nuts a small fortune for a private gig. Hectormandarin
The Beatles. SwindonNick
Jean-Michel Jarre’s album Equinoxe. rendrag
Surely Eno’s Another Green World? SanFranFerg
Given they’ve got the technology to travel light years across space, it’s overwhelmingly likely that they’ve also got the technology to understand the harmonic series (which in Earth terms is 2,000 years old) and therefore most of human music. So it really doesn’t matter – whatever we play them they’ve heard something like it before. On that basis, I’d give them a blast of Bach, because it’s great followed up with some of the classical music that is least like western harmony – Indonesia and India. SRW647
Yeah, I’ve the uneasy feeling that they would consider even our most acclaimed “high culture” music to be merely the work of children (so to speak). Simon01
It doesn’t matter. Let’s go for anything from Modern Talking. Gramffgul
Doctor Rock by Motörhead. Just to show that we do know how to have a bit of fun. bunkendrum
The Welsh national anthem, Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau, with John Redwood trying to lipsync. JimPotato
The score from Close Encounters of the Third Kind by John Williams. Because he’s a genius. Sagarmatha1953
I Lost My Heart to a Starship Trooper. Or even just Starship Trooper! slobberfest
Teenage Kicks – The Undertones – because it totally captures how it feels to be a teenager and would teach them this, as well as being an amazing song. AmandaJG
It was John Peel’s favourite song. True fact. Groundhog_Phil
I reckon the Star Wars title theme is appropriately grand. sethwoolley
I’d stick on Cardiacs: Sing to God. If that didn’t make them leave, I’d start on The Residents. unclestinky
Bach’s Concerto for Two Violins. Gom1954
It’s a Small World (After All). Savage1701
Also Sprach Zarathustra by Richard Strauss. Ralanfish
Good choice, especially if these aliens planted the monolith in 2001: A Space Odyssey. LeighT
The Beach Boys. Brian was a genius. lexicon_mistress
God Only Knows. gleebitz
Toto by Africa. Or I Ran by Flock of Seagulls. No explanation needed. Creepster
Oh, some traditional west African music. And some Gregorian chant. Bach’s Brandenburg Concertos. And the Stones’ She’s a Rainbow. Serenissima6
Pretty much anything by David Bowie. Certainly the Blackstar album. MagentaProfane
If the alien plays for you Slow Burn by Bowie as an example of what life is like where he comes from, then politely decline his offer that you visit his home planet. Micktrick
I’d play Clair de Lune for the aliens. If they were being chased by men in black, I’d play them Rick Wakeman’s two-minute version – that’s just as good as the original. I’d explain to the aliens that music can be an idea that people get from anything, which they then convert into sounds that have the magical power of making us feel emotional things when we hear them. In this case, I’d tell them Clair de Lune is about the light coming from our moon.
If by chance the alien said they had the same thing on their home planet, I’d beg them to take me back with them. Seriously, I’d be out of here like a shot. Hope the aliens have Bluetooth speakers on their ship … Micktrick
Some late period Autechre, because maybe they get it. theRotorvator
Erik Satie’s Gymnopédie No 1, because it’s the first sound that came into my head when I read the question. SlowLoris
Welcome to the Jungle! DukeApricot
The Shaggs’ My Pal Foot Foot. PunCrock
I would start playing with random objects making sounds including with my own body clapping hands, whistling, etc. Then I would ask them to make some noise themselves and slowly turn that noise into a melody. juanchomang
Arnold Schoenberg: Dreimal sieben Gedichte aus Albert Girauds – Pierrot Lunaire; Iannis Xenakis: Persepolis; Captain Beefheart and His Magic Band: Trout Mask Replica; Merzbow: Pulse Demon. I believe this would adequately prepare them for the reality of life on Earth, while also making us look more culturally sophisticated than we actually are. realmOdusk
I don’t know about the aliens, but apart from the music I know I’m sure to find out some of your alien recommendations. It might make me look a bit more culturally sophisticated than I actually am. Mike5B
Music in Twelve Parts, Parts One and Two. Philip Glass. I think they’d get it then. Minimilister
The Martian Hop would seem the obvious starting point. Even if they only speak Klingon, they’d still love that infectious 60s doo-wop. jno50
Klingons are mad for Queen. therealjonbob
Easy peasy – Rock Lobster by the B-52s. Beijingcalling
Max Richter’s Spring 1 from his 2012 recomposition of Vivaldi’s four seasons. It may give the impression that the human race is more sophisticated and intelligent, give us a little breathing space, prior to be being found out and lasered into tiny atoms. ScarletPimpernel81
If the aliens were to ask me today I’d give them this top 10: Penny Lane; Waterloo Sunset; Pretty Vacant; Nightswimming; (I Don’t Want to Go to Chelsea); Creep; Up the Junction; Famous Blue Raincoat; Another Girl, Another Planet; Moments of Pleasure.
Having said that, if the aliens were to arrive tomorrow, I’d almost certainly give them 10 entirely different songs. I’m not sure how educational the whole thing would be. Hibernica
One of John Peel’s shows from the 90s. HenryHelsinki
John Cage’s 4’33. Charismata
The essayist Lewis Thomas said: “I would vote for Bach, all of Bach, streamed out into space, over and over again. We would be bragging, of course, but it is surely excusable for us to put the best possible face on at the beginning of such an acquaintance. We can tell the harder truths later.” tjccjt
I’d play for them, on the piano, Alley Cat by Bent Fabric, because its a very catchy earworm that would have the rest of the aliens all humming it, thus contributing to intergalactic peace. And because it’s a Close Encounter of the Furred Kind.
The Stranglers’ Golden Brown. rumblestrips
Rhapsody in Blue by Gershwin, Beethoven’s Fifth and Brown Sugar by the Stones. harrietpete
