Go directly to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect £200 (but remember to bring your booze!). Welcome to a weekend in Brighton.
My partner Pete and I had arrived on the Sussex coast prepared to face a stint in prison – and could not have been happier!
We were at Alcotraz Brighton: Cell Block One-Three, a theatrical cocktail bar in the city centre where guests are required to wear a range jumpsuits, drink behind bars and smuggle in some hard liquor.
The actors – from a fellow inmate to the guards and warden – were in character throughout, completely hilarious and really interactive with every guest.
We’d successfully concealed our alcohol getting into this prison and mixologists made us four different delicious drinks, or when the warden hears you talk about it, lovely chicken soup (maybe it should have been porridge).
It was the most fun evening we’d had in months (from £33.99 per person).
I’d briefly visited Brighton as a young teenager with my family while on holiday nearby, but wanted to return for a longer stay to see the Pavilion, get lost in The Lanes and check out the buzzing food scene.
We’d arrived on a Saturday morning, dropping our luggage off at our hotel – the lovely boutique Drakes, right on the seafront – and headed straight for The Lanes, a delightful warren of narrow alleyways, hidden squares, interesting shops, jewellers and plenty of places to eat and drink.
You can explore here for several hours.
In the North Laine area you will also discover plenty of street art, including Banksy’s Kissing Coppers. It’s the first of his pieces that I have seen in real life and it really does make an impact.
After an afternoon of browsing the independent stores along The Lanes (and picking up some delicious doughnuts from Urban Legend – definitely try these), it was time to head to Drakes.
We were in a luxurious split level room with a king size bed taking up most of the upper part, as well as a small settee and tea and coffee making facilities.
The bathroom was down a small staircase and had a huge shower, bath and toiletries from The White Company – and they even gave little complimentary packs for you to take home. Result!
Determined to make the most of our trip, we were straight back out after freshening up, heading to dinner and on to our evening jail activity.
Ahead of that incarceration at Alcotraz, we fortified ourselves at English’s of Brighton – a seafood restaurant and oyster bar in a trio of former fishermen’s cottages in The Lanes.
Neither of us was brave enough to try oysters for the first time, but after a recommendation from manager Fabio we opted to share a starter of shrimp croquette and crispy calamari with smoked wild garlic aioli, vodka pickled tomato and coriander. It was utterly delicious and the croquette was melt in the mouth.
For mains, I opted for Sussex ale battered fish and chips, while Pete chose the sea bass with curried cauliflower, coconut-braised beluga lentils, soy marinated egg yolk and nori tempura.
Everything was cooked to perfection and you can see why English’s is so popular.
We were up bright and early the next day and strolled to the Beach Box Spa, a unique wellness experience right on the shingle.
Settling in our sauna inside a refurbished horsebox, we let all our worries drift away helped by face masks containing all natural ingredients.
If you’re hardy enough, there’s an outdoor plunge pool to cool down in (from £8.95 per person).
Next up was Globalls, which offers UV-lit indoor games.
The dino-themed golf brought a lot of giggles and we loved the carnival games – from hook-a-duck to limbo. I won the golf and Pete won at carnival, so there was no argument that evening.
That evening was spent at the lush Chez Mal Brasserie, at Brighton’s Malmaison hotel, where we enjoyed a fabulous three-course dinner.
For starters (which could have been mains, they were huge) we had chicken karaage and a Chez Mal Cobb salad, followed by smoked haddock and spring onion fishcake and rump steak.
We rounded it off with vanilla creme brulee and sticky toffee pudding. The food was incredible – we highly recommend this place.
Barely pausing for breath, Mission: Brighton continued next morning with the Upside Down House (there’s a clue in the name) and found it fascinating – yet very confusing!
Thanks to helpful staff we got some amazing pictures hanging from the ceiling (from £5.95 per person) before checking out SEA LIFE Brighton, the oldest operating aquarium in the world, and its huge turtles Lulu and Gulliver (from £18 per person).
Before heading home, there was just time to see the fabled Royal Pavilion – a genuinely remarkable and beautiful building originally built as a seaside retreat for George, Prince of Wales, who later became Prince Regent and then King George IV in 1820.
It was designed by Regency architect John Nash and is exquisite and a must-see both inside and out (from £17 per person.
Next time we go to Brighton for the weekend – and there will be a next time – we’re going straight to jail.
Pure Prisoner Cell Block H. And H stands for Happy!
Book the trip
Rooms at Drakes Hotel in Brighton start at £80 a night on room-only. Find out more and book at drakesofbrighton.com.
You can also get more information at visitbrighton.com.
