The court system, your friends, and even well-meaning therapists will often tell you to “co-parent.” They emphasize communication, compromise, and putting the kids first. While this sounds great in theory, psychologists who specialize in high-conflict personalities warn that trying to co-parent with a narcissist is actually a trap. Unfortunately, you cannot cooperate with someone whose primary goal is to destroy you or win at all costs. Understanding why the standard advice fails is the first step to protecting yourself and your children. Here is the reality of the situation.
1. They Don’t Co-Parent; They Counter-Parent
Co-parenting assumes two rational adults are working toward a shared goal: the well-being of the child. However, a narcissist does not share this goal. Their objective is control, supply, and winning. If you say “X” is good for the child, they will likely do “Y” simply to spite you. Instead of partnering with you, they parent in opposition. For example, they might undermine your rules, feed the kids junk food if you value nutrition, and let them stay up late if you value sleep. Every interaction becomes an opportunity to prove they are the “fun” parent while painting you as the “controlling” one.
2. Children are Pawns, Not People
This is the most painful truth to accept. To a narcissist, children are merely extensions of themselves or tools to hurt you. Regrettably, they don’t see the child’s separate emotional needs. Instead, they use the children as spies, messengers, or emotional buffers. They might even buy the child expensive gifts to win favor or withdraw affection when the child expresses love for you. Sadly, the child’s feelings are irrelevant. Only the child’s utility to the narcissist matters.
3. Communication is a Weapon
Open communication is the hallmark of healthy co-parenting. With a narcissist, however, open communication is an open wound. They use texts and emails to gaslight, harass, and confuse you. Furthermore, they will twist your words, rewrite history, and send a barrage of abusive messages buried in “concern” for the kids. Therefore, trying to reason with them or explain your point of view is useless. It just gives them more ammunition. They feed off your emotional reaction, regardless of whether it is negative or positive.
4. Rules Apply to You, Not Them
Narcissists expect you to follow the court order to the minute. If you are five minutes late, they threaten legal action. Yet, they will drop the kids off late, miss weekends, or refuse to pay support, and act like it is no big deal. This double standard is maddening. They believe they are above the rules. Consequently, trying to get them to “be fair” is a waste of energy because they do not value fairness; they value dominance.
5. The Solution: Parallel Parenting
Since co-parenting is impossible, psychologists recommend “Parallel Parenting.” This means you disengage completely. Stop trying to coordinate households. You run your house your way; they run their house their way. Additionally, communicate only in writing and strictly about logistics. Use a court-monitored app like OurFamilyWizard. Furthermore, avoid swapping weekends or hosting joint birthday parties. Build a firewall between your lives to minimize conflict.
6. The “Gray Rock” Method
When you must interact, become a “Gray Rock.” Be boring, uninteresting, and unresponsive to emotional bait. If they send a long, angry email, reply only to the factual part: “Pick up is at 5:00 PM.” By starving them of the drama they crave, they eventually get bored and turn their focus elsewhere. Ultimately, this protects your nervous system from their chaos.
7. Protecting the Kids’ Reality
You cannot change what happens at the other house, but you can make your home a safe harbor. Validate your children’s feelings. If they come home confused by the gaslighting, say, “I know that was hard,” or “In this house, we tell the truth.” Moreover, you don’t need to bash the ex; just model health. Your consistency and empathy will eventually be the lifeline your children grab onto as they grow up and see the truth for themselves.
Stop Trying to Fix It
You cannot have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person, even for the sake of the kids. Therefore, let go of the fantasy of the friendly divorce. Accept the reality of the parallel path. It is less pretty, but it is infinitely more peaceful. Have you tried parallel parenting? Share your tips for keeping boundaries strong in the comments.
Have you tried parallel parenting? Share your tips for keeping boundaries strong in the comments.
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The post Psychologists Reveal: Why You Can’t “Co-Parent” with a Narcissist appeared first on Budget and the Bees.
