A psychologist has revealed the most damaging insults couples often use in arguments and shared the number one phrase that will ‘destroy’ any relationship.
Unfortunately, Many of us know what it's like to be in an unhealthy relationship. But more often than not, we don't know exactly why it's so unhealthy in the first place. Sometimes our relationship issues can be fixed with tips and tricks to spice up your relationship, but other times it feels as though it's the right time to walk away.
Well, according to Dr. Cortney S. Warren, PhD, a board-certified psychologist and author of Letting Go of Your Ex, most unhealthy relationships are fuelled by poor communication skills - and one type of communication in particular is more unhealthy than others.
"As a Harvard-trained psychologist who has spent 20 years working with couples, I’ve found that the most damaging way to communicate with your partner is with contempt," she told CNBC.
"Contempt is the belief that a person is beneath you, worthless, or deserving of scorn and ridicule. When someone feels contempt for their partner, they feel justified in humiliating, embarrassing, or hurting them."
The worst phrase for showing off this contempt, that is bound to destroy any relationship, is “I wish we’d never met,” says Dr Warren. She also highlights the phrases, "You’ve ruined my life. You’re a nuisance. I don’t care about what you think or how you feel. You’re pathetic. You’re not worth my time. You owe me. I’ve put up with you for years. If we didn’t have kids, I would have left you by now. You disgust me. No one else would want you.”
If any of those are make a regular appearance in arguments you have with your partner, or they're insinuated through dramatic non-verbal gestures such as eye-rolls, the expert says, "It can ultimately ruin the foundation of a healthy romantic connection and lead to lower relationship satisfaction."
So what's to be done? "If you find that you feel some contempt for your partner, there are ways to fight it so that it doesn’t hurt your relationship," promises Dr Warren. "The biggest piece of advice I give to people is to try to find gratitude. There is always something to be learned from discord in our relationships. Look for something positive that you can take away from every interaction, even if the process is unsettling."
In more practical terms, she recommends to learn how to argue 'productively.'
"When you’re feeling triggered or emotionally upset, take a moment before you say anything. Choose your words carefully and aim to communicate with respect and kindness, not harm. Take responsibility. This includes acknowledging your choices, your patterns, and your engagement in dysfunction. Sincerely say you’re sorry when you do something hurtful or mean-spirited.
"Learn to argue productively. You and your partner are a team. The goal is to communicate in ways that acknowledge your commitment, desire to connect, and mutual respect for one another. Tap into your love for your partner. When you want to criticise or change them, remember why you got together in the first place before giving constructive feedback."
Get more relationship advice from our family news homepage, with articles like 6 phrases for de-escalating conflict in your relationship, explained by psychologists, and boundaries in relationships; having them is more important than our parents ever realised, here’s how we can set them and keep them, as well as these 4 behaviours can spell disaster for any relationship.
