SCHADENFREUDE AND PETROHUBRIS
The knockout stage of Big Cup begins this evening, and thoughts naturally turn to Barcelona. They’re not in it, of course, but that’s exactly why everyone’s thinking about them. Barça shipped three goals on three occasions in the groups, and so now they’ve got a battle on to make the last 16 of Big Vase instead. Looking on the bright side, at least the likes of Bayern Munich, Roma and Liverpool can’t get at them from where they are now – though let’s hang fire on confidently declaring this new environment a humiliation-free safe space until we see what Napoli do to them in that Vase play-off game.
There is one player still in Big Cup who, if you cut him, would bleed blaugrana. Yes, it’s Lionel Messi, now plying his trade with all the other good-time charlies at PSG. Only the fiercely partisan, or those without a grasp of the fundamentals of broad-brush slapstick, would fail to find great humour in the GOAT suffering yet another 8-2 hiding on the biggest stage in club football. Nothing personal, you understand, but with the petroclubs having long gained the upper hand, we have to take our fun where we can get it, and if that means Messi once again watching in impotent despair from afar as ball after ball whistles into the net up the other end, each goal taking an oil-fuelled superclub further away from that elusive holy grail, then so be it. Take a hit for Team Humanity, Leo.
But, truth be told, such delicious waves of bittersweet schadenfreude are unlikely to wash over us and cleanse the soul. For a start, PSG face Real Madrid in their Round of Arsenal tie, so any satisfaction derived by the pricking of petrohubris would be almost completely offset by the identity of their conquerors. It’s not exactly a romantic David-Goliath match-up, is it? Also, Real have only scored one goal in their last three games, their attack so blunt of late that Carlo Ancelotti has been forced to recall Golf’s Gareth Bale, so they’re unlikely to rout PSG tonight. Also also, there’s a fair chance Messi, Neymar and Kylian Mbappé will run up a cricket score themselves. Should they put on a show for the ages, The Fiver reserves the right to perform a brazen about-turn, and rhapsodise over them tomorrow when we’re feeling less mean.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I felt isolated and alone … I had never experienced it before. I had no way to describe my feelings and I felt paralysed and upset … from the Middlesex FA I have had no support” – 12-year-old Sathi Balaguru, whose family have spoken out over a lack of action after he was racially abused during a nine-a-side game in London.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires tackles the Kurt Zouma saga, with apologies to Dr Seuss. It’s good stuff.
FIVER LETTERS
“Oh, Sad and Lonely Fiver on Valentine’s Day [Monday’s last line]. A ready meal for two, now for one? Well, at least you get the joy of sharing it with *shuffles through TV listings of Big Paper* West Brom 0-0 Blackburn? Better luck next year” – Mike Wilner.
“Re: Williams’ letter [yesterday’s Fiver]. Why are Formula One teams now writing in and winning letter o’ the day? Are you making these up?” – McLaren [aka Antony Train].
“Perhaps somebody should explain to Brian Ross, who did not win prizeless letter of the day yesterday, both the concept of a joke and the purpose of question marks” – Ian Copestake [Yowza! – Reader Beef Ed].
“There was a Ronny Rosenthal-esque miss from The Fiver yesterday, by not starting the first News/Bit/Bob with ‘Sixty-three-year-old Ralf Rangnick…’ “– Jim Hearson.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Mike Wilner.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Emiliano Sala’s mother, Mercedes Taffarel, has told an inquest that her son felt “pressure” from both Nantes and Cardiff to complete his fateful transfer quickly. Sala died in January 2019 when his plane crashed into the English Channel.
James Vaughan has been appointed Tranmere’s sporting director at the age of 33, after retiring from playing at the end of last season. “James is young, modern and dynamic,” cheered manager Micky Mellon.
In a busy day of League Two comings and goings, Michael Flynn has been appointed the new Walsall head coach, while Derek Adams has been shown the fabled D.M.D.O. at Bradford City.
Transfer doyen Fabrizio Romano reckons Manchester City are in line to beat Arsenal to sign 17-year-old Brazilian winger Sávio from Atlético Mineiro, while Liverpool will offer James Milner, 57, a new one-year deal.
With City and Liverpool in Big Cup action this week, Trent Alexander-Arnold has weighed in on his side’s European success. “Obviously not making any digs but you look at Manchester City’s amazing team and they haven’t been able to lift [Big Cup],” the full-back trilled, trowel in hand.
Arsenal’s Leah Williamson will captain England at the upcoming four-team Arnold Clark Cup. The Lionesses kick off against Canada at the Riverside on Thursday, before further games against Spain at Carrow Road on Sunday and then Germany at Molineux on 23 February.
Bad news for Fifa: a survey by the international players’ union, Fifpro, has found that 75% of male players want to keep the World Cup every four years, thanks very much.
Good news for fans of the Queen’s Celtic and Pope’s O’Rangers: away supporters will be allowed at the last two Old Firm derbies of the season, although at a reduced allocation of 900 tickets each.
And Ralf Rangnick, 64 in June, has said Manchester United’s main target is snaffling that sweet, sweet fourth Big Cup spot. ‘This is the highest possible achievement we can get,’’ sighed the s£xagenarian.
STILL WANT MORE?
Paris Saint-Germain are in a mess before tonight’s meeting with Real Madrid but with Kylian Mbappé anything is possible, writes Adam White.
How have Sporting succeeded in overcoming their troubles to land a Big Cup meeting with Manchester City? David Hytner takes a look.
‘What they think is what we think, to go through’: Carlo Ancelotti plays a straight bat before Real Madrid’s showdown in Paris.
There was romance and heartbreak in the Catalan derby, reports a loved-up Sid Lowe.
Don’t forget to give Monday’s Football Weekly a spin.
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