Remember those weekends without staring into the abyss of pitchside monitors, scrutinizing football and footballers? Sure, there was the occasional glaring boo-boo from officials which cost a title-challenge here, a career-defining error there. Still, in general, it felt easier than this.
This had been one of the quieter VAR-influenced weekends until Monday, when Tottenham and Chelsea decided to break into all out chaos. Ange Postecoglou was reflective, Mikel Arteta apoplectic and unforgiving this week. Gary O’Neil struck the same tone last week. It leaves you longing for a simpler time. We should still be able to laugh at soccer and all its prevailing lunacy. We should revel in its eternal possibility. So in that spirit, here is a look at the real winners and losers from Matchweek 11.
The ‘well done boys, good process’ award
An award inception, the first of its kind. There are just too many nominees for the inaugural gong for VAR incompetence. A close third was Manchester United’s early disallowed goal versus Fulham. Not least because it was the right call so, you know, well done boys, good process. But the incessant replays, sending the referee to the screen for a ‘subjective’ view of an ‘objective’ call, seemingly to absolve all involved of ultimate responsibility.
In second place, we have Stuart Attwell during Arsenal v Newcastle. Once again, we find ourselves in subjective limbo regarding a potential foul by Joelinton on Gabriel. Not least because VAR fate will ensure a similar decision will have the opposite outcome next week and we’ll once again ponder thresholds, consistency and process (bad process, boys). That and the fact it was easier to give a throw-in for the ball going out of play.
Nobody can look beyond Chelsea-Spurs for this week’s top prize. There’s an interesting lineage with VAR in matches, in that when it starts to dictate a game, it doesn’t stop. Does that say something about quality, discipline, or every now and again does a certain fixture just go bat-bleep crazy? There were five disallowed goals in this game, with Tottenham making nine fewer fouls than Chelsea but ending up with nine men. There were five VAR checks inside 41 minutes. In some ways, you felt for the official in the middle of the bedlam. Michael Oliver looked like a man who had to solve the world’s problems while undoubtedly receiving new information in his ear about missed incidents, knowing full well that somewhere in the stadium Gary Neville was making funny noises.
A lot of process, even for a relatively quiet weekend, boys.
The Kai Havertz buy one, get three free award
Well-known enforcer Kai Havertz takes out Dan Burn. Sees yellow for his sins. You think that was right call, or was this a red? pic.twitter.com/MRexSzCR37
— Men in Blazers (@MenInBlazers) November 4, 2023
Havertz got himself booked for a heavy challenge on Dan Burn – a tackle that could have easily been a red. Burns’ teammates were incensed, with three Newcastle players receiving cautions in the aftermath. Three bookings for the price of one? Just tremendous 4D chess from the German international.
Player of the week award
Pedro Neto, who was nowhere near a football pitch this weekend but showed his value to Wolves – and the increasing importance of those like him to teams outside the top six. It’s also notable that Lucas Paquetá was absent from West Ham’s defeat to Brentford after showcasing an ability to keep the ball away from Arsenal players in a phone box during Wednesday night’s Carabao Cup win.
But this was Neto’s week, who is out with a hamstring injury until after the November international break. Wolves succumbed to Sheffield United at Bramall Lane on Saturday, scoring just once despite registering an expected goal (xG) tally of 1.83. More damning was that the player deemed to have the highest on-ball-value for Wolves was Rayan Aït-Nouri, which tells you everything you need to know. Neto has been one of the most potent creators anywhere in Europe this season. Among Europe’s top-five leagues, he ranks in the 97th percentile or above (per 90 minutes) in *deep breath*: assists; expected assists; shot-creating actions; progressive carries; successful take-ons; touches in the opposing box; progressive passes received; non-penalty expected goals and assists. He also just so happens to land in the first percentile in tackles, blocks, interceptions and all the defensive stuff.
If numbers aren’t your thing, know this: Neto is a throwback winger. He’s dangerous on the ball and spends his time without it wondering when it will return to him next. Wolves have impressed with their pressing structure this season. But without Neto, O’Neil’s team lack a genuine creator.
The Frank Vernon Fall Guy award
Hear me out. There’s a lot to be said for the question of value for money around Manchester United’s second most expensive-ever signing, Antony. His end product is in question and his output streaky. Does he know it’s legal to go past a player?
Watching him against Fulham, however, did leave you feeling that every commentator, pundit and passing viewer is becoming fixated on his lack of defensive input and desire. This always comes down to instruction. If there’s a marauding full-back on the opposing side, does Erik ten Hag want Antony facing his own goal, or would it not be wiser to have him on the other side of a turnover?
The Brazilian topped United’s counter pressures at Craven Cottage on Saturday with eight. He has the third-highest number of blocked passes on United’s roster, behind only Casemiro and Bruno Fernandes. Antony is struggling for form, but I’m not sure berating him for not tracking Timothy Castagne to his defensive corner flag is proportionate criticism.
Stat of the week
This has to go to the shot ratio at Turf Moor, where Burnley registered 18 attempts on goal to Crystal Palace’s four and still managed to lose 2-0. To dig a little deeper, Vincent Kompany’s side attempted five shots on target to Palace’s three, and the xG was virtually even between them: 1.64 to 1.44, according to StatsBomb. Times are not fun for anyone at Burnley. Kompany has to find a path to get to January with the team’s heads above the relegation waters, before delving into the transfer market. What Burnley are fielding now won’t get Kompany goals or stop his team from conceding them, despite what the numbers say.
The infuriating FPL hipster transfer of the week award
You all know the person in the group chat who gives you a heads-up about a transfer deadline two minutes before it closes, when the fantasy app is frozen and you’re in the middle of a call? The guy who tells you what model of New Balance you’re wearing and how they’ll never match the Teddy Santis 990V3 Made in USA green olive. You know, the guy who ambles through life serenely walking an anxious sighthound, never without a flat white in hand. That guy, he transferred Jérémy Doku and his 22 points to his team this week.
Xg defying goal of the week
Step forward Mohammed Kudus and his 0.06 xG registered bicycle kick from about 12 yards out which flew into the top corner of the Brentford goal.
Mohamed Kudus is a STAR 🤩
— Premier League USA (@PLinUSA) November 4, 2023
What a finish for @WestHam_US!
🎥: @NBCSportsSoccer | #BREWHU
pic.twitter.com/LZDqizZM0G
I love that flair has become another feature of the David Moyes renaissance. Something you would never put together, like marshmallows and pumpkin (get out of here with that), or the time Christian Benteke did something similar at Old Trafford for Liverpool.
The buy a ticket, lose the raffle award
Darwin Núñez registered five shots in 23 minutes of Liverpool’s draw with Luton Town. By the end of the fixture, he’d finished with nine attempts and one miss that was so defying in logic that the residents of Kenilworth Road watching from their bedroom window could scarcely believe their eyes.
You can use any verb you like to describe Núñez’s swashbuckling play. He can be a figure of fun, but as has been proven, if you poke The Bear he can usually make you look foolish or become a pantomime character. Some love him. Some hate him. If nothing else, he’s box office.
The ‘BoJack Horseman never won an Emmy, and it’s kinda perfect’ award
Perhaps Aston Villa being somewhere between the eighth- and fifth-best team in the Premier League means that once in a while you walk into a counter-punching Nottingham Forest and lose 2-0. Villa dominated possession and had the lion’s share of shots, with three on target. Unai Emery’s team had accumulated 22 points in 10 games heading into the Forest game. They have won 20 Premier League games in 2023, with only Manchester City winning more. Most Villa fans will say they’re nowhere near a title challenge, despite their calendar form. Perhaps, then, Villa being rolled in Nottingham is something that has to happen every once in a while.
The anti-hero award
“I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser,” sings Taylor Swift in Anti-Hero. There’s value in the concept that wisdom isn’t fun – that it’s much better to employ a sense of cognitive dissonance to the world for your own sense of wellbeing.
Postecoglou is a wise man who understands soccer more than most, so his decision to defend the halfway line with nine men on Monday night will probably have a deeper, more nuanced meaning than a shrug of the shoulders and a puff of Angeball, isn’t it?
📸 - Ange Postecoglou has instructed Spurs to keep their high line when possible, despite playing with 9 men. pic.twitter.com/3YBAudmKA3
— 𝐀𝐅𝐂 𝐀𝐉𝐀𝐗 💎 (@TheEuropeanLad) November 6, 2023
But this looked like something bordering on the farcical. Like a machiavellian defense versus attack Monday morning training drill, set up by a frantic Pep Guardiola after being caught by a counterattack while 5-0 up in the 80th minute of a weekend game. There’s something admirable about sticking with your identity even in the face of a defeat. But there’s a distinction between what’s wise and what’s laudable. Tottenham got older, I’m just not sure they got wiser.
