Elsie Hewitt is opening up about the guilt she’s felt as a mother after deciding not to breastfeed her daughter.
The 29-year-old model, who welcomed her first child, Scottie Rose, with boyfriend Pete Davidson, 32, in December, wrote an essay for Elle about feeding her daughter formula. She described “exploring of the moral hierarchy around breastfeeding” and feeling the “quiet shame” that’s associated with formula feeding, as breastfeeding has been considered “the gold standard” for mothers.
Hewitt wrote that her unplanned pregnancy came after “many years of feeling disconnected” from her body and living through “years of chronic pain” prior to receiving a stage 4 endometriosis diagnosis.
She said that when she decided how she’d feed her baby, she thought about her mental and physical health, including her recovery from major uterine surgery for her endometriosis, as well as the “two benign cysts in [her] breast that cause [her] discomfort.”
“There is inherent guilt in choosing not to breastfeed. My body is biologically programmed to nourish my baby, and opting out of that can feel like going against something ancient, instinctual, and profoundly beautiful,” she wrote.
“That guilt doesn’t disappear simply because formula is safe, healthy, and nutritionally complete. I still have to remind myself—and sometimes literally ask to be told—that being mentally and emotionally okay is not separate from being a good mother.”
Although her family, friends, and comedian boyfriend told her that she could decide if she wanted to breastfeed or not, she still felt some “guilt and pressure.”
“Whenever people asked whether I planned to breastfeed, I felt a flicker of hesitation or embarrassment, even when nothing judgmental was said. Truthfully, I still can’t always tell whether those feelings come from others or from me,” she wrote.
Hewitt explained that despite not breastfeeding, there is still an undeniable connection between her and her daughter.
“There is already a visceral, kinetic bond between me and my baby—formed through carrying her, birthing her, and sharing a body for nearly a year,” she wrote. “That bond is sacred and grows through presence, not depletion.”
In December, Hewitt announced on Instagram that she and the Saturday Night Live alum had welcomed their first child. “My best work yet, i am absolutely overflowing with love and gratitude and disbelief,” she wrote, while posting several photos of her and Davidson with the then-newborn. She also included a message from her boyfriend: “Wu tang forever.”
Their baby’s first name, Scottie, appears to be a poignant tribute to Davidson’s father Scott, a New York City firefighter who tragically died during the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks at the World Trade Center.
