‘THE TEARS YOU CRY, I’LL DRIVE THEM ALL AWAY’
When a football manager grasps for an odd metaphor, it’s often a sign things are going a bit milky. Once Pep Guardiola wailed “we are a happy flowers team, I don’t want this”, the gong bath started filling. Here was some press conference wibble to match José Mourinho’s “little horse”, Arsène Wenger’s “prettiest wife”, Lord Ferg’s “better cow”, Rafa Benítez’s “facts”, Nigel Pearson’s “ostrich” and King Louis’s “$ex masochism”. And that time another Nigel, Adkins, when asked about being under pressure at Southampton, took to poetry in reciting the verses of The Man in the Glass by Dale Wimbrow.
Neither Nigel lasted much longer after steering off piste beyond the accepted “we didn’t take our chances” script, and though nobody is suggesting Guardiola is for the off, he is not happy with Manchester City. That includes players and fans. Yes, his team might have blasted four unanswered goals past Spurs in the second half, but they had been booed off when trailing 2-0 at half-time and, lads, it’s Tottenham. “No passion, fire, desire to win from minute one,” he howled. “It’s the same from our fans.”
Having set the ears of the Gallaghers, Curly Watts, Will Greenwood and Nigel Bond burning, Guardiola poured more oil. “They were silent for 45 minutes,” he hissed. “They booed because we were losing, but maybe it’s like our team.” After that, an admiring glance at Mikel Arteta’s partner. “We have an opponent in Arsenal who have the fire,” he cooed. “Two decades without winning the Premier League.” Doubtless, underneath the wild-eyed defeatism lay an attempt to engender some mind games with Arsenal, set to play a Casemiro-less Manchester United on Sunday after plucky little City welcome Wolves. By the time Guardiola settles down for his weekly helping of Happy Valley, his team – “far away from the team we had in previous seasons” – could be just two points behind Arsenal.
Such are the standards set by a manager happy to declare his own genius. “In 14 years I won 11 league titles – that’s a lot, so that means every day I see things you do not,” he roared, before defiantly showing off his own achilles heel: “People say we don’t have success because of no [Big Cup]: bullsh!t!” Guardiola even lamented the good old days when his team duked it out with Jürgen Klopp’s Liverpool. “The way we played, in this country,” he sobbed. So rousing was his frenzy that he deflected attention from the door marked DO ONE opening wide for Antonio Conte. “I’m totally into the new situation and know that my task is to be part of this process and try to, with a team in transition to start to become solid,” Conte droned. Still, not a metaphor in sight.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Everybody will have an opinion on it but I have got experience of getting teams out of trouble from the bottom of the league. It’s an enjoyable job but I’ve had over 1,000 games. I’ve got mates in football saying to me: ‘You’re mad, you’re off your head going back in, stay out.’ But no, I want to be back in because I love it” – Mick McCarthy is back, baby, parachuted in to Championship strugglers Blackpool as their new manager.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
“If David Moyes will be sacked should West Ham lose to Everton, and Frank Lampard will be sacked if Everton lose to West Ham (yesterday’s News, Bits and Bobs, email edition), the best available exchange odds of 3.8 on a draw seem quite generous. The Disgrace Of Do One?” – Jonathan Westwood.
“Surely it would be a win-win for Moyes and Lampard to swap teams for the day. Both would be going back to a club where they achieved success, and both sets of fans would agree that their new manager couldn’t possibly be as bobbins as the old one” – Iain Plummer.
“Having seen the vultures circling my boyhood team Brighton – and snatching Marc Cucurella, Yves Bissouma and now Leandro Trossard – I have come to the conclusion that sitting on a London park bench (and being paid more for doing so) is just seen as a way to prolong one’s career” – Allan Clark.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Jonathan Westwood.
This is an extract from our daily football email … Football Daily. To subscribe to the full version, just visit this page and follow the instructions.
