The dating world is brutal, with ghosting and bad date stories rife among young people using apps – and that's before you add in a disability that directly impacts your ability to communicate.
Lily Azeez, was born with severe hearing loss but never let it stop her excelling at school, university, and in her career. However, dating was a whole different beast with potential matches being outright discriminatory or ableist towards her.
For Sign Language Week, March 13 to March 19, Lily has opened up about navigating the dating scene when you have a disability but assures people that there is hope.
"Many people discriminated against me for being deaf," the 25-year-old told The Mirror. "I've had people walk past me in the street and call me elephant ears because my hearing aids push my ears out."
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This is just the tip of the iceberg for Lily, who has even had people try and take her hearing aids from her. She recalled: "I've had people mouth words instead of speaking to make me think that my hearing aids weren't working."
Despite negative experiences, Lily had a "very healthy dating life" and downloaded Tinder as soon as she started university to meet people.
"I never let my disability get in the way!" she said, adding: "I have a bunch of disabilities and I managed to get through school and university, so I just brazenly assumed I'd get through dating too!
"While it's really easy to get upset when people are rude or ignorant to your disabilities and needs, it's so important to remember that they're not the people you're looking for."
She recalled a particularly bad match, saying: "He called me and was annoyed I couldn't hear him." Lily had already informed him of her hearing impairment, including it on her profile and telling him directly – so a phone call wasn't the best way to communicate.
The man then mumbled throughout their date before "obnoxiously shouting" at Lily when she asked him to speak up.
"When I told him that he just needed to speak clearly, he told me I sounded too much like his nan and I needed to back off," said Lily, "I understand being anxious or not knowing, but acting like that on a first date where you're on your best behaviour? No thanks."
Lily was aware that being deaf may impact her dates, so she wrote it clearly in her bio on Tinder, but this didn't stop ableist men telling her they were only dating her "out of pity" or to "tick a disabled person off their list."
When she was growing up, Lily was told not to use sign language and focus on lip reading – which isolated her from both the deaf and the hearing communities.
Tinder is hoping to bridge this language barrier by working with Deaf Action to encourage people to learn sign language, even if it's just dating small talk. It has released videos and stills with common questions for daters to learn, so nobody feels unable to find love.
Lily said: "I found that for every ableist person, there were three or four lovely people who were open minded, who asked respectful questions and who were happy to work with me and learn how to navigate my deafness with our everyday life."
This included Ashiq Azeez, who she matched with in 2019 and fell in love at first swipe, with Lily getting "butterflies" on their first date. The pair from Kent are soon to be married and moved in together around Christmas 2021. They also have a son.
Ashiq said he never had any second thoughts because of Lily's disability, but it did make him "more considerate" about things they do, such as choosing a booth seat in restaurants to help her hear him.
"I also consider if films have subtitles, and if they don't, I call the cinema and request this. I also don't pick noisy environments so it's more enjoyable for both of us," he added.
"Don't assume you know how to manage any disability, and don't assume you know how it feels," said Ashiq, "For instance, I didn't even know that they couldn't get wet, so we need to look at the weather and always be prepared for rain, no matter what.
"Ultimately, don't think that you can deal with it or there are solutions that they haven't thought of. You're along for the ride now, ask questions and be kind."
"When I was dating," Lily said, "I struggled with finding a balance between being open about my disabilities and making the whole conversation about me and my disabilities."
She believes now she has found that balance with Ashiq, who added: "If I was to go back in time, I'd be less anxious about being with someone who is disabled.
"I researched all of her disabilities and convinced myself of all the worst-case scenarios, and when I met her, she was a capable self-sufficient woman who didn't need me to save her or look after her."
Lily added: "I would encourage others not to be too serious when dating, to have confidence to just be you - do your thing and put yourself out there. I think it’s great that Tinder is encouraging deaf awareness - I have learnt a bit of baby sign to empower our son."
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