A Canadian woman has shared the deeply creepy voice messages she claims she received via Facebook from a man she didn’t match with on Bumble. The sheer audacity men have will never cease to amaze me.
Kelsey King took to Twitter with a heap of screenshots showing the alleged messages sent via FB. This was before the whole voice messaging situation kicked off, and while the texts were undoubtedly cooked, they were nothing compared to the obscure verbal ramblings that were to follow.
“Kelsayyyyyyy!!!!,” the bloke began.
“I mean uh … K. Shit. Mayhaps that was a taaaad overly enthusiastic for a stranger danger message on a sunny Friday morning.
“My bad. Let’s go with … uh … I can explain??! Fuck ya!! That works. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.”
Much to unpack, mayhaps.
Kelsey responded by asking the dude if she knew him, which is exactly what anyone would do in that situation.
“Oh hey!! No we don’t know each other. Sincere apologies for the subterfuge,” he responded.
“If you give me the tiniest bit of room I’d be happy to explain! I reckon that said explanation will bring laughs and smiles.
“PS not trying to rope you into a pyramid scheme to sell fancy Tupperware … yet.”
Oh no. Pack it in, brother. Anyone who uses the word “subterfuge” in their attempts to woo a person must go back to the drawing board. I don’t make the rules.
Kelsey told him to “explain away” and this is where the voice messages come into the picture.
Now this, dear reader, is a truly cringe yet horrific ride — I’m talking more than 10 minutes of rampant verbal diarrhoea. Buckle up ‘cos this is going to be a tragic, bumpy ride.
“Good morning, don’t mind me. I fucking hate texting. I think we’re all better without it, so I usually use one of these when I can,” he said.
“I don’t know if you’ve ever seen that Key & Peele skit, but that’s how I feel about texting. I could go on. Anyway, I just want you to know right off the bat, I fully accept how fucking weird this is. I’m sorry.
“But like I said, I think if you give me a second, you’ll probably end up laughing. And not that you need my permission, but feel free to just laugh directly at me for being a fucking idiot, for I am surely about to embarrass myself right now.”
We’re only 30 second into this epilogue. I told you to strap in!
After another 30 seconds or so of complete and utter waffling, the bloke said: “Here goes nothing. I’m a fucking idiot. Enjoy.
“So, I was minding my own business last week on ye ol’ Bumble, everyone’s favourite online dating app … punch me in the fucking face, don’t even get me started on online dating.
“And I came across your bio and I let out a very emasculine [sic] noise. I mean, it was not … is that a word? I don’t know, it’s the kind of day I’m having, buddy. But it was not … I honestly thought this chick’s made up. My first thought was that my mum paid you to write that bio just to make my day better, and I was curious just to, like, ask you how much.”
I … don’t want to know what that “very emasculine” noise sounded like.
“But the more I read I was like, holy fuck, this person is my kind of weird. And I just figured I’d say howdy and then if I talk to myself like an asshole for a couple of minutes, you’d probably feel the same as me,” he continued.
“Now I’m not going to pretend to know the depths of your soul from a couple of cursory sentences and some photos, but I am a very good judge of character.
“I’m a keen studier of, like, personality and psychology, and you know I’m in the trenches of online dating for a couple of years, so I definitely know how to identify the kind of person where I’m like, ‘eh, if nothing else the world would be better if we were friends’.”
Two minutes in. Breathe in, breathe out. Readjust your posture, roll your shoulders.
“So hear me out: first of all, I never fucking see that shrug emoji, no one else uses it. It’s typed into my phone — if I type shrug with two ‘Gs’ it just shows up. Same thing on my laptop, like I’ll use it in work emails, fuck it,” he said.
“So right away I’m like, interesting. I don’t get it though — she’s cute. For how pretty she is, she should be boring. Why does she seem kind of strange in a good way?”
Aaaaaaaand there we have it. The misogyny had to come out at some point, i.e., the ridiculous assumption that attractive women are vapid and dull centrepieces whose only purpose in life is to look good.
As if it couldn’t get worse, mans kept carrying on like a pork chop for another eight minutes. EIGHT. MINUTES. You simply have to listen to it to believe it.
1/3 pic.twitter.com/Om7dPqpPWu
— post rut clarity🌻 (@quelsee) June 16, 2023
2/3 pic.twitter.com/Xz2DsSL0J2
— post rut clarity🌻 (@quelsee) June 16, 2023
3/3 pic.twitter.com/VQ7HcX8urK
— post rut clarity🌻 (@quelsee) June 16, 2023
After the gasbagging stopped, Kelsey asked the bloke how he found her on Facebook.
“Oh I honestly just typed in Kelsey and I guess I got lucky,” he replied.
“I figured cause you put live music we might have friends in common or something.
“I blame [Mark] Zuckerberg.”
Yeah, I’m not sure ye ol’ Facebook creator is responsible for this one.
Finding someone’s personal social media profiles after not matching on a dating app, followed by sending them more than 10 minutes’ worth of voice messages, is a massive invasion of privacy.
But get this — another Twitter user reached out to Kelsey claiming this dude pulled the same trick with her.
UPDATE: This is not the first time Ryan Andrews has done this. He pulled the same thing with @aly_sf in summer of 2021. Shared with permission.
— post rut clarity🌻 (@quelsee) June 18, 2023
Are there any other women in Southwestern Ontario/the GTA this man has invaded and harassed in this way? Please dm me if it has! pic.twitter.com/au0tcgMocp
Three things are certain in life: death, taxes and entitled men thinking they can get what they want by overstepping boundaries.
Image credit: iStock / bymuratdeniz
The post Peep The Fkd Voice Msgs A Woman Claims She Copped Via FB From A Man She Didn’t Match W/ On Bumble appeared first on PEDESTRIAN.TV .
