There won’t be historians in the future, only conspiracy theorists, but if there were you might expect them to pinpoint the downfall of civilisation to last week, when Heinz announced it had put spaghetti carbonara in a can (spoiler: it’s a disaster).
Heinz says this is all Gen Z’s fault, because the lazy sods can’t be bothered to cook. According to an independent survey Heinz quote, a third of Gen Z require their food to be both fast and convenient — which is apparently untrue for millennials, Xers and boomers.
Mind you, if headlines are to be believed, it’s not just cooking Gen Z can’t be bothered with. When it comes to work, they’re anti-office, don’t buy into the nine-to-five, and will happily Zoom interview for a new role while “working” from home for someone else. Socially, they’re off the booze, and (weird this) think smoking might be bad for you. Dating’s out — and, if TikTok’s voluntary celibates are to be believed, so is shagging.
Of course it is — Gen Z don’t ever meet each other in real life, as alongside the bars, they’ve given up on clubs. Instead, they’re stuck inside, but not watching the telly — they switched that off years ago. The cinema? Hard to know, but given they have precisely three movie stars — Timothée Chalamet, Zendaya and Tom Holland, that’s it — films must be on the verge of going dark. They’ve chucked out ankle socks, side partings have had the chop and tucked-in shirts are close on criminal.
They’ve chucked out ankle socks and side partings have had the chop. What’s left? Do they do anything at all? I’d go on, but it’s guff, isn’t it? It’s just the generation wars
They can’t even be bothered with the “dling” on the end of “middling”. What’s left? Do they do anything at all? I’d go on, but it’s guff, isn’t it? It’s just the generation wars. Things change: Gen Z might not believe it, but millennials were the woke ones once. And credit where it’s due, it was Boomers who invented the teenager.
Gen Z deserve a little commendation. The wealth gap is only worsening; the best chance of being well-off these days relies on having rich parents. Countless traditional job roles are already closing, and AI isn’t going to help (well, unless you’re in coding). Owning a house? It ain’t gonna happen.
Gen Z is exposed to more toxicity, largely online, than most of those older than them can fathom. And yet, in the face of all of that, Gen Z are the ones pushing for a healthier planet. As far as I can tell, homophobia baffles most of them. They take their mental health seriously. They’re respectful of disabilities. They’re better at boundaries, professionally and personally.
Hell, I’m even impressed by all the TikTok dances — as far as I remember, we basically chose between the Macarena and the Cha Cha Slide. In all this gloom, they keep on keeping on. So I’m done with the gripes about what they’re not doing, and will raise a pint to what they are. Sure, they won’t raise one back, but it’s the thought.
Maybe Raygun really is the best breakdancer Down Under?
Breakdancer Rachael Gunn, who was robbed of a gold at the Olympics after scoring no marks at all, yesterday apologised to the breaking community at large. Well, sort of.
In her first interview since her routine, which famously included kangaroo hopping in lieu of any recognisable moves, “Raygun” told Aussie show The Project that she was “very sorry for the backlash that the community has experienced”, adding, “but I can’t control how people react.”
The B-girl went on to defend her performance (“gave my all”) and even her eligibility to compete saying, “I think my record speaks to that”, when asked if she believed she was Australia’s top female breakdancer.
This is my favourite part — you don’t just end up at the Olympics by mistake; there are trials, competitions. Raygun really is the best they’ve got — and better yet, she’s also the world’s most famous breakdancer, ever. Maybe it isn’t a sport after all?
