The other day, I witnessed something very troubling: a small, quivering chihuahua dolled up in a snout-to-paw vision of designer finery, gobbling a special “dog ice cream” while its owner watched proudly, poised with a wet-wipe.
Snugly seated at a picnic bench on a level with its human counterparts, the poor beast seemed just as confused as I was by the scene. Then, behind the pup, I saw a labrador in a pair of snazzy dog booties, drinking the abomination popularly known as a “puppuccino”. The horror! What on earth happened to letting dogs be dogs?!
I don’t judge the poor beasts who are forced to spend their days paraded around in swaddling robes like a newborn babe; I pity them
Despite my objections, it is officially big business. If you would like to buy your furry friend a tiny bottle of imitation prosecco, a monstrous pink macaroon made out of solidified yogurt or a dog craft beer with a horrifying name like “Bottom Sniffer” you are in luck. According to market analysis by Mordor Intelligence, the pet food market grew by 13.5 per cent between 2017 and 2021, and is forecast to get bigger still.
Alongside the usual high street staples — Pret coffee shops, a boarded-up old branch of Wilkos, the beloved London corner shop — I’ve also noticed a disturbing uptick in what I would call the “bougie dog shop”. As I watched an unhappy terrier pass one while struggling to escape the humiliating confines of its lacy dog-pram, I mulled existential questions. Is it considered normal to douse your dog in pooch perfume with names like Orange Blossom Summer Spritz (RRP £8.95)? Do dogs care if their winter jacket has a Carhartt logo on the side? And most importantly, what is the world coming to?
I should say right now that I have nothing against dogs, and apart from unmuzzled XL bullies roaming wild, I really like most of them. I don’t judge the poor beasts who are forced to spend their days trussed up in expensive outfits and paraded around in swaddling robes like a newborn babe; I pity them.
Anthropomorphising dogs by giving them ridiculously human names like Clive or Bill, and teaching them to shake your hand in a business-like fashion is inherently funny, because it highlights that dogs are nothing like us. But treating your pet like an actual toddler all of the time? Please, just let them get back to what they do best: rolling around in cow-pats, antagonising local squirrels and yapping at their own reflection.
