The brat Winter Girl
She didn’t just enjoy Charlie XCX’s brat summer, Melinda took it to heart and is now living a life of total chaos. Doesn’t eat any of the Christmas lunch, instead preferring granulated sustenance: ket and mdma. By the end of the night, she’s alternating between punching senior men or simulating self-pleasure across the buffet table. By way of explanation she keeps saying “brat girl winter” and everyone seems to accept it.
The Football Addict
The Christmas party coincides with a vital Champions League tie, so Bobby is distracted for the whole evening. Any casual hellos his way result in a 30 minute lecture on the pros and cons of the high press. Permanently stood at the bar refreshing his phone for the latest live news of the game, he eventually finds an illegal stream of the game and later quite happily holds his phone in front of his face while dancing to Three Lions.
The Happy Leaver
The day before the party, Pete announced he has a new job and is now swaggering around the event with the smug confidence of a man set free. His colleagues, who previously thought of him as a bit useless, now regard him with awe, wanting to know every detail of how he pulled off his exit, in the manner of prisoners of war trying to find out where the secret escape tunnel is. Seemingly now impervious to the debilitating effects of alcohol, he will leave early and dignified, not so much a man as a god.
The Once-a-Year Smoker
Hasn’t had a fag since the last Christmas party but now Cynthia is outside all night with one permanently glued to her mouth. Everyone thinks she’s gone home but she’s simply flirting with the cool kids in the street. Will look cool doing so for half an hour before the colour drains from her face and she spends the rest of the evening vomming.
The New Dad Unleashed
He’s just had a child but still wants to show he’s the party animal of old. Ian will spend most of the evening drinking shots and texting lies to his partner at home. By 7.30pm will be sound asleep in the corner. When he awakes to a phonefull of messages and missed calls, the guilt will visibly shrink him by a good foot.
The Anti-Woke Bloke
Has been sitting on all sorts of awful opinions for the last few years but now Trump and Musk are lording it up, he feels emboldened to let it all out at the party. Wearing a Union Jack tie he spends the evening hailing Gregg Wallace and Nigel Farage, eating all the sausage rolls and saying things like, ‘I suppose the PC brigade would call that sexist,’ and ‘Call that a pint of beer?’ and ‘If you’re not trans, you can’t get promoted in this place.’ Later seen doing lewd moves to Sweet Caroline on the dancefloor, livestreamed by the Gen Z-ers.
The Bonkers Xmas Jumper Wearer
Each year, Bernard goes wild at the party, and always has a new ‘crazy’ Christmas jumper with lights on and that plays jingle bells. ‘On one’ all night, he’ll be the first to wear his cracker party hat, will pretend breadsticks are walrus tusks and take to the dancefloor a good hour before anyone else. Things take a turn for the worse when he sticks two balloons up his jumper to pretend he has breasts, only to then be groped by Anti-Woke Bloke in a giddy alliance which will be the end of both of them at the company.
The Born-Again Christian
Nobody knows exactly what triggered it – perhaps simply exposure to Russell Brand’s Rumble account – but Shirley has now found God, and is extremely (sinfully?) proud of it. Even though last year she was loads of drunken fun, now she won’t touch a drop and prefers to sit primly with a secret smile on her face that must be to do with being so very holy all of a sudden. Will leave when Slade comes on and she is struck by the vulgarity of hedonism and is spun out by obsessively musing on the Santa/Satan thing.
The HR Director
Susan is desperate to be part of the team and spends her whole time trying to convince everyone that she’s not actually spying on their behaviour and that there are no consequences for anyone at the party. This is not strictly true, as evidenced when she drinks all the wine, pulls a moonie out of the pub window, which is witnessed by a child, and is relieved of her duties the following day.
The Serious Dancer
Tim is a Strictly fan and has been taking Salsa lessons all year. This mild-mannered analyst surprised everyone when he turned up in a rhinestone suit, but it soon becomes clear why: this dancefloor is about to be set on fire. When he at last starts to strut his stuff, all swivelling hips and whipping arms, admiration quickly gives way to alarm when, buoyed by the attention, he morphs from a sophisticated salsa into down and dirty Magic Mike filth. The shirt comes off. The hand goes down the trousers. Everybody slowly backs away.
The Last to Leave
Some people just can’t seem to go home when they’ve been drinking and Melinda is one of them. While most of the office drifts away when the free drink is gone and, yknow, the venue closes, she’s dragging anyone she can on with her, first to a bar, then a club, then a secret illegal bar, then an illegal rave that she thinks is just getting going in Elephant & Castle and toddles off by herself to find it, even though the one she’s thinking of happened in 1996. She doesn’t come back into work for three days.
