Never in its proud 60-year history has an allegation of such audacious cheating been made against a competitor in the World Conker Championships (WCC) as that levelled at 82-year-old David Jakins – “King Conker” himself, no less.
As a competitor since 1977, and having finally won this year’s men’s competition, the holder of the King Conker honorary title and the “mascot” of the championships was subsequently found to have a steel conker in his pocket.
Jakins is adamant he never used it and he only carries it around as a joke, but an inquiry is under way by organisers of the world’s premier conker competition, which was staged in Southwick, Northamptonshire, on Sunday.
Had King Conker instead headed down the M1 to Peckham, south-east London, on Sunday to the alternative Peckham Conker Championship, he – and his steel conker – would have been warmly embraced.
“This is Peckham. We are a different sort here. Not nutty nerds. So we have engineered a more entertaining format: kind of ‘conkers meets Fight Club’. Our pitch is Battle Royale rules, which means there are no rules,” said Chris Quigley, 48, co-founder of the Peckham Conker Club. Indeed, cheating is positively encouraged.
There are all sorts of ways to cheat in conkers, the quintessentially British game reputedly first mentioned in the 1821 memoirs of English romantic poet Robert Southey, though snail shells were then the weapons of choice. It wasn’t until 1848 that horse chestnuts were recorded as being used, on the Isle of Wight.
Over generations every schoolchild knew how to harden their nut to gain playground advantage; oven-baked, vinegar-soaked, sock drawer aged, coated with clear nail varnish.
While the WCC may be a purist paradise, in Peckham, “anything goes”. “We’ve had epoxy resin conkers. Conkers covered in superglue. That 82-year-old with the steel conker, he’d have nailed it at Peckham,” said Quigley, who founded the club in 2017 with a few friends, but saw more than 1,000 competitors and spectators at Sunday’s championships.
Nut “pimping” (where you harden your nut), “tangles” (which involves tangling your string in your opponent’s and tugging), and “stampsies” (where you stamp on the fallen conker), are all permitted.
To spice up the conker battle, Peckham also allows special moves: Super Chopper, a “rabid helicopter-style move”; Gravity Strike, leaping high to come down on your opponent’s conker; Side Winder, a single or double side flip followed by a 45-degree gravity strike. Conkerers can get tips from the Peckham website and equip themselves with the popular Nut Sack of pre-holed conkers and a Battle Pack kit.
“There’s lots of tangling and wrestling, and trying to stamp on the other person’s conker. They wouldn’t be allowed to do that at the world championships,” said Quigley, a tech entrepreneur from Peckham.
It can get a little hairy. “For the past two years, an Italian guy called Pietro the Pummeler has won. On his route, in the semi-finals last year, he smashed a tooth. Blood everywhere and it was all pretty dramatic. And this guy, he had a lovely pearly set of white teeth. Yes, stuff happens.”
St John Burkett, spokesperson for the more sedate WCC, said: “One of the great things about conkers is how much you can cheat. But we have rules which mitigate against that.”
The 3,500 conkers for this year’s WCC were collected just two to three days beforehand and blind picked from a bag by competitors, who come from all over the world, to prevent tampering.
Could they secretly swap them? “Well, you’d have to have very good sleight of hand with the number of judges we’ve got. Two each on a podium, seven podiums. That’s 14 judges plus the chief umpire. You are watched like a hawk.” Not to mention the 2,000 eagle-eyed spectators.
He added: “In other events, anything goes. Stampsies and so on. They are the alternative championships, with different rules.” To date the WCC has raised more than £400,000 for blind and partially sighted charities.
Its rules stipulate that there must be at least 8in (20cm) of shoelace between the nut and player’s knuckle, players take three alternating strikes, any knocked-off conker that doesn’t smash can be rethreaded, more than three snags or tangles leads to disqualification, and if no conker is smashed players continue under the five-minute knockout rule until one misses.
Big conkers are not necessarily the best, since they provide a larger target. “My godfather won the championships twice, and he used to say the best conker was one that had passed through a pig,” said Burkett. The best players must have excellent hand-eye coordination, strategy and skill, no matter the size of their conker.
Keith Flett, organiser for the Campaign for Real Conkers, believes the best conkers have a sharp edge, “which can be quite effective in shattering your opponent’s [conker].” A lifelong player, he has no truck with the WCC rules. “The bottom line is it should be a fun thing to enjoy, not a spectator sport, and not something covered by all kinds of rules saying you can’t do this, or that.
“As soon as you start on that people think ‘I can’t be bothered. I’ll go and look at a screen instead.’”
The overall WCC winner this year was a woman. Women have won six out of the last 10 years.
Kelci Banschbach, 34, originally from Indianapolis, Indiana, won the women’s title to then beat Jakins in the grand final – and received a trophy, a tea towel and a coaster.
Winner of the Peckham Conker Championships, meanwhile, took home the “Golden Nut”, a horse chestnut covered in 22ct gold gilt. “Definitely the best prize in conkers,” said Quigley.
