A Nottingham woman who spent three years visiting her boyfriend in prison to rebuild their relationship has told of her life haunted by addiction and an absent mother. Lisa Selby thought she had another chance at feeling loved and accepted when she met Elliot through an alcohol recovery programme.
Similarly to Ms Selby's mum Helen, Elliot was charismatic, intelligent, creative and addicted to heroin. "I did not get the chance to do anything with Helen. I wanted to help Elliot to not end up the same way", she added.
In a real life modern love story, the couple lived a "magical romance, where he would be playing the guitar and I would be writing songs with him, smoking and looking over the rooftops". But when Elliot was incarcerated after being caught couriering drugs to fund his addiction, she set up an Instagram account to document their heart-rending journey.
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"I started recording him before he went to prison", she said. "He said he wanted to show me that he had control over the way he used paraphernalia.
"And I wanted to show him what I had to sit with sober. I was just hoping that it might make a difference.
"He said this footage was powerful. We often discussed it, and he said he wanted it to be out there because it was an important part of his journey. I did not have a social media account, none of this was meant to be for a film.
"It was a way of me processing what was going on, and to look back on it later, because I could not take notes when there were too many notes to take."
But now she has decided to share her video diary with the world, discussing addiction and heartbreak. Co-directors Rebecca Lloyd-Evans, Lisa Selby, Alex Fry and producer Natasha Dack Ojumu have worked together on creating the film. This raw, personal film was written by Ms Selby and Josie Cole.
It has been assembled from videos Ms Selby shot over the years - some of it on her iPhone, and other footage being raw footage found on hard drives. Now a senior lecturer in Fine Arts at Nottingham Trent University (NTU), she said she is not just the subject of the film, but also a co-director who has control and ownership throughout the process of filmmaking.
It has been a tough time for the lecturer and artist, who has worked on this film while going through an IVF treatment. "I have felt so alone at times trying to support someone in addiction", Ms Selby added.
"I felt like everyone had a mum and I did not when I was a child. And then I have not been able to be a mum. All of those things made me feel very alone."
In a search of finding out who her mother was, Ms Selby filmed a conversation she had with Helen. She has never spoken with her mum before, and the conversation happened shortly after Helen's breast cancer diagnosis.
"She had been addicted to heroin all my life, and I suppose I never spoke with her about anything before that time because I knew she was too vulnerable", she added. "I never called her my mum because she was never around - and I think she did not want to be called mum, I think that it sets an anchor to her freedom", said Ms Selby recalling the childhood haunted by her mum's drug addiction.
When she was just 10 months old, her mother Helen simply dropped her off at the babysitter's house - and never came back. Interviewing her mum was like "having a neighbour visiting and having a cup of tea, not really getting to know very much", Ms Selby said. "She was always in party mode.
"She came from a strict catholic upbringing from Belfast, she had a lot of money. And my dad and I were living on a council estate."
She knew about her mum's addiction straight away, but kept it a secret from her friends at school. "They told me they just presumed she was dead", Ms Selby recalled. "I think I might have even told everyone because it was easier that way.
"And I just lived a fantasy of her in my head - that she was just like a glamorous person who was just having fun and being happy. But something about it made me shudder at the same time."
The chilling and emotional documentary Blue Bag Life will be screened at the Broadway Cinema in Nottingham on Wednesday, April 26 at 6.15pm. The film is also available to watch online. Ms Selby also documents stories of drug and drink addiction on her Instagram, at @bluebaglife.
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